A Car, An Apartment, A COVID Vaccine Shot

My work picture! Taken by Jenny Nguyen

For over an year, my alarm clock has been set to start my day at 7am (if I chose to wake up that early hehe). Wake up for my 8am statistics lectures in the beginning of Spring 2020 semester. Wake up to study for midterms in the quiet mornings when I moved back home in April 2020. Wake up for my online commencement in May 2020. Wake up to ride the bus for my first full time job as a medical assistant. Wake up in a hotel room, waiting for my COVID test results after I was forcefully relocated in fear of having COVID. Wake up in a new apartment in Berkeley after I moved twice, because my previous roommates were afraid that I as a medical assistant will spread COVID to them even though I tested negative and obtained the vaccine. Wake up to drive my first used car to work and later to get my Moderna vaccine shot. 

Wake up...because I am learning how precious time is. This thought popped up when I stumbled upon a prompt from NPR (National Public Radio), which asked how our relationship with time has changed during the pandemic. I muzzled on this question and reflected on how has changed within one year. 

One year ago, I was having a blast in my last spring semester. I was hanging out with my friends, classmates, professors, church, and more through spontaneous movie nights, spicy noodle challenges, dinner nights, hiking trips, and the best of all: late night talks. I never realized I took for granted the ability to physically meet people. When my university notified everyone that all activities were online, time became distorted while I interacted with my peers who are constrained into tiny, digital boxes on Zoom. My 7am alarm clock quickly became a reminder of what my old routine was like before the pandemic, and a part of me did not want to accept the reality we were living in. After watching my college's online commencement, I felt my time in undergrad was cut short as if we were on a very long spring break instead of capping it off with a celebration full of tears of joy and warm embraces from my friends, family and professors. Time later on became divided into large blocks at my new full time job. I wish someone told me adulting was this difficult. It is a struggle to wake up in the mornings and stay awake from 6:30 am to 11:30 PM without caffeine. By December 2020, I pretty much settled in my new post undergrad life. However, I have this superstition that my life is too peaceful, something bad would happen.

And...

Sadly the superstition still holds up. I want to shake off this negative view I have and share my story with a clear mind, hence why it took me a month or two to feel comfortable sharing about what has happened to me. I have hinted at this earlier, but yes I did came into contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19 before Christmas 2020. Thank God my test came out negative at the time, but it was not an easy ordeal to go through. Telling everyone including my coworkers, landlords, housemates, family, friends, church and more about this news is not a fun thing to share. While I understand that everyone is afraid and concern for their health as well as the health of those who interacted with them, I wish there were more words and actions of kindness instead of fear. 

From the moment I received the news that a friend I have seen recently had tested positive for COVID-19 to the moment I received the negative test results has not been fun. Because I work in a medical office that serves predominantly senior citizens, I was afraid I was possibly link to many people's illness and deaths including our beloved patients and colleagues. The fear greatly left me sleepless. It was the first time I cried for hours, from 10pm-4am. I slept/fainted around 4am-6am then cried more 6am-10am. I started quarantining myself in my single room in a house of four people (two landlords, housemate and me) and wore my N95 mask when I left my room and used the bathroom. I checked my phone and answered texts and emails to update everyone I came into physical contact. Some harsh words were delivered to me from a few people whom I told the news, especially when they were visiting friends, family and loved ones during the holiday season. Some kind words reassured me momentarily before the fear overtook me again. 

I admit my faith was really small, smaller than a mustard seed. Even now, I feel ashamed of not having much faith in my situation and not checking in my friend who tested positive. After my landlord took me to get the drive through COVID test, I felt it was the last time I would ride in their car. I was right. Later that day, my friend who tested positive for COVID and I remotely watched a Christmas movie called It's a Wonderful Life the night after the news. I finally felt a sense of peace again. I slept for 10 hours...only to wake up the next morning to be informed that I have to move out by 4pm, 5pm according to my landlords because I cannot fully quarantine myself from everyone in the house I lived in. They said they had given the same instruction to the other housemate (who has a car, I don't have a car). Then they offered to drive me to the hotel or Bart station around my departure time. My heart sunk and I really wished I signed a physical lease with the landlord when I heard this plead, since I knew this request was not allowed legally. Yet, I felt so drained and distraught that I complied with it, especially when I internalized that I was a liability, a threat, a burden. I shared this news with my friends and colleagues who all said this request is not allowed under California's tenant laws... but I felt so powerless. With the help of a friend, I found a local hotel and I packed what I could carry...since I had a sinking feeling I would have not have a ride judging on the odd request from my landlord. When I finished packing, I was told 15 minutes before 5pm via text that my landlords could not drive me and requested me to order a Lyft/Uber instead. I laughed in my head while I read the Lyft/Uber policies that I should not order a ride if I believe I tested positive for COVID-19. I texted back to one of the landlords that I can't order a ride and that my only option is to walk 1 hour at dark to the hotel.

Did anyone stop me? No. Was I in the right mind? No. 

I picked up my backpack, 2 bags of luggage and a plastic bag of chicken noodle soup and walked for one hour from Richmond, CA to Pinole, CA from 5pm-6pm. The moment I walked away from the house, I felt angry and really hoped someone would stop me, but I knew no one would. Only one of the landlord knew about that I was walking while everyone else assumed I got a car ride or something. While I was walking towards the hotel, I debated if I would be better off sleeping in a local park with cats or at an abandoned building. I had to remind myself that I already booked a hotel room, so I have to get to the hotel no matter what. I noticed immediately that many drivers, including a bus driver from the C3 Costa Community WestCat, all stopped and stared at me in shock while I crossed the main streets. People who are waiting at the bus stops did the same thing. After all, it is not normal to see a women with luggage walking at night. Did I mentioned that at a highway intersection, I had to wait for all the cars to make their right turns, leaving me the choice to run across the highway intersection in the dark? Of course, I ran out of time when I was halfway across the intersection when the ongoing traffic light turned green, but no one moved their car since I bet the drivers all thought who's this crazy person? 

Even so, I knew God is protecting me throughout this ordeal. I'm thankful that no one ran over me with their cars and trucks nor was I mugged or worse. I am also thankful for being greeted kindly by a nice gentleman who is facing homelessness during my walk. Even without explanation, I felt understood by him and was comforted by him. Ha, I did not realized I could have been this close to not having a home.  

When I arrived at the hotel check in window, I just cried and felt overwhelmed. I checked into my hotel room and felt paranoid that the hotel room may have SARS-COVID-2 lingering in the air. I just simply sat on a table for an hour, then disinfected the room for an hour, then took a shower, then ate a can of chicken noodle soup since it was all I can bring with me on my walk, then video called my friends while I frantically checked for my COVID test results. I reserved this hotel room from December 21 to 24 in case the COVID test results comes out late...or worse. The next three days was a period of waiting, painful waiting yet hopeful waiting. My church later found out about my situation, and they prayed for me and provided me dinner the next day. My high school friends also got me snacks and water while I slept, watched Natsume Yujin-Cho, video called friends, ate dinner and snacks, drew and read the bible. It was strange to attend my high school friend's engagement announcement call while I sat in the hotel, thinking when is my COVID test result coming out. I also checked in my housemate to see how he was doing, but I was surprised he was still living in the house and going to work as if nothing has happened. Something felt wrong, since it seemed like he was not order to move to another location to quarantine like me, even though we shared the same bathroom and are equally exposed. He also did not know that I walked over to the hotel and empathized with me. I did not tell my family about my situation, because I already made them so worried about the COVID test. When I got finally got the negative COVID test result on Dec 23 evening, I cried tears of joy and relief while I shared the news with everyone. I thought I could go back to my original housing situation and go back to normal...

Remember I wrote earlier that I booked the hotel room to Dec 24 in case something worse has happen? 

Well, in hindsight I should have chose my words with more consideration. I texted one of the landlords, who is aware I walked to the hotel, if I can return to the house...but I heard no reply for a couple of minutes, which seemed really odd to me. I then called and asked if it was possible to be compensated for the hotel expenses and for a ride. Granted, I should have not said this...since they lashed out at me for asking such a request and other things. I just simply listened as they said they were afraid of someone in their house getting from COVID. However, the lashing got worse when they said I should pay for their sick leave cost of $6000k if they got sick (even they worked from home while I work minimum wage as an in-person medical assistant), that my family is not responsible of me, that I have to stay at the hotel and cool our heads etc. I apologized for upsetting them, but it was already too late.

After they hung up on me, I called my father and told my family the truth while I looked at sublets in Berkeley. My family confirmed with me that I have to move out, since it became clear I am not wanted at the house even when I tested negative for COVID and that it is illegal to temporarily evict a tenant due to a health issue and not another tenant with the same level of risk. My church also heard this news and graciously covered my hotel expenses as well supported me in finding a new place. My wonderful father, who works 24/7 as a self employer to support my family, reorganized his work schedule to drive an hour over to Pinole to pick me up on Dec 24. Funny in how I saw one of my patients at the hotel while I waited for my father. After my dad picked me up, he drove over my old place and explained I was moving out to both landlords and to do a prorated refund and deposit return. It became clear that the one who lashed out at me did not tell the other landlord the entire story including the part in which I walked to the hotel for an hour in the dark. I have to admit it was very satisfying to hear the other landlord said, "I see [Deborah]'s point" while the one who lashed at me let out a huge sigh of regret. After I said goodbye to everyone, I moved back home and celebrated my brother's birthday and Christmas while sleeping in another room to complete my quarantine. Still, I had a new dilemma, commuting from my hometown to Pinole, which is 1 hour one way. I only had one week of work off, and I spent it waiting for my COVID test result in an unideal manner. My dad decided it was time for me to get an used car, so we started car searching. Meanwhile I was frantically looking for a new place in Berkeley. Luckily, I only had to Lyft once to Pinole on Monday and then moved into a new apartment in Berkeley in an apartment the next day. Still it was not easy to inform my colleagues, but I really hope everyone had a better holiday week than me. When I moved in to the new place in Berkeley, I thought I finally settled in! 

ha.

nah.

Apparently, my roommates in the apartment were not aware I work as a medical assistant, even though I brought it up to the person in charge of the sublease. In short, I was asked to move out after I moved in for a week, but I got a full refund, so hey that's better than my last place. Luckily, I found another place for a cheaper cost, bigger space, and with my Christian fellowship friends. Plus I bought my first used car with my savings. While my dad drove the car for some repairs for two weeks, my lovely, kind coworkers drove me to work and back until my car was ready. I practiced driving around in my hometown, and I drove my car up to Berkeley. Frankly, I prefer to not drive in the rain and missed 2, 3 exits on the highway and almost get rear ended, but I will get better with practice.

Things have settled down for now...finally. 

I survived the first week of driving to work by myself. I started teaching a UCB class that I took as an undergrad with my colleagues. I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine on Jan 25, 2021 and waiting for my second one on Feb 27, 2021. I'm getting along with my apartment mates, and I'll start preparing for the MCAT and med/pod school app process.

But honestly, it's all thanks to God helping me with this process. I know there is the saying that everything happens for a reason, but it makes me curious to know the reason is. What I do know, that I have much more room to grow in terms of my faith and my confidence in God as well investing in myself and my support system. I am indebted to everyone who has supported me through such a stressful time. And for those who had no idea what I was going through, I'm doing much better now. Of course, life has its way in making sure I'm on my tippy-toes, but it is nice to have a break from the chaos.

I just want to share my story with you all to remember to be kind and loving towards one and another, even yourself. I know this pandemic does not bring the best out of everyone, but it is a good reminder to continue on loving others and ourselves. 

My Diploma ;)

My DIPLOMA. MY DIPLOMA. 

I never imagined that yesterday November 30 during my mundane lunch breaks I would find an email announcing my diploma is coming. I was so excited to the point I told my coworker who also went to Cal, but I quickly forgot about the email once my lunch break ended and the rush of patients came in.

After I checked my email tonight (December 1, 2020), I finally found the email again. How funny that it seemed like a week ago for me when it was only a day, but when I downloaded my diploma....I never imagined (well maybe I did back when I daydreamed of graduating back when I was a freshman in college) that I would cried, squealed, clasped my hands to my face and stare at my digital diploma on my 5 year old laptop covered in stickers that I collected throughout senior year of college. I was so proud and relieved when I stared at the text "COLLEGE OF NATURAL RESOURCES" after bracing myself the fear it would be marked as Rausser, whom I do not know nor wish to name my college after him since I believe my college should not be labeled under a person's name since college belonged to all of us. The little text of "DISTINCTION" reminded me that despite after going through a tumultuous spring semester and jam packed online summer semester at home, the hard work, the suffering, the nights full of learning and talking with my classmates, professors, GSIs, friends, family, church and God were all well spent. 

I know it's only a few pixels on my screen, a digital file on my aging computer, but when I shared it with my family...I can't helped myself in being proud and wrapping up my time at Cal this year, our year as class of 2020. My mom was also so happy to hear this news as well, and that made my day. I let her know that my physical one is coming in the mail in the next few weeks. I didn't imagined myself writing a blog post on it, since I haven't touched my blog in a few months ever since I started working. I still wished I was a student and to have those fun senior memories, to have commencements and simply walk and cry with my classmates and friends, but I can at least savor these special moments. 

Thank you everyone for believing in me. 

GO BEARS! CONGRATS CLASS OF 2020!

Liberation is Free Indeed

 Hello everyone! 

I want to share with you all a very cool book written by a friend Nikole Lim called Liberation is Here. Her book talks about her stories as a freelance filmmaker intertwining with the stories of some brilliant women who are sexual assault survivors in Kenya and Zambia. Inspired by their stories, Nikole co-founded Freely in Hope, "a nonprofit organization seeking to restore dignity to survivors of sexual violence by providing educational opportunities and platforms for women to fulfill their dreams." 

Book order: 

https://www.ivpress.com/liberation-is-here

Book launch party:

https://www.freelyinhope.org/events/launchparty/

Freely in Hope: 

https://www.freelyinhope.org

Cover taken by Nikole Lim

I first met her and a scholar from Freely in Hope in my church Christian Layman Church, and I was struck by how God's presence is very powerful through the two women. So, when I saw that Nikole was writing a book about it on Inter varsity Press, I quickly ordered it in May and was so eager to receive it in August. Granted, I only read the first chapter and wanted to write down so many ideas flowing in my head only to move to my new place for work. I'm hoping that as I catch up on work, I can take the time to read the book and share my thoughts down here. 

Chapter 1 

8/15-9/19

I actually re-read it, since when I first got the book back in August 13. I just graduated from UC Berkeley and I wanted to relax and enjoy a good book. When the lightning storms were coming in that night, I was reading the book in my family's storage room. Man the first chapter had a lot packed in. The chapter title, "She Reminds Me of You" resonated with a lot of my conviction to help people who may be in similar situations as me if we swapped places, similar to what the author Nikole Lim had felt from her dear grandfather. I enjoyed reading about her upbringing and her thoughts as a young Asian American women growing up in the Bay Area as well her passion to tell stories and photography. I can definitely relate to her, and it's funny how I'm currently in the city she grew up in for my new job. 

Chapter 2

8/15-9/19

I read it right after chapter 1 and I'm revisiting it with admiration. It opens up about Nekesa and her story situated in Kenya and how it later intertwined with Nikole's. I have to admit even though it's been a month since I last read it, I still remember some of the details in the chapter and could felt a glimpse of the feelings during Nekesa's stories; and those feelings still leave me feeling in awe of her. I don't wanna spoil everything since a summary can't do justice to her story nor was this blog meant to be a summary of the book. But let's just say, it gives me hope; hpe that despite the world we live in is not just,  it can be just through Jesus. 

Chapter 3-13

8/20

I feel like I can't put this book down once I picked it up again.

There are moments in the book in which I felt the raw emotions, especially when I share the "cinematic imagination" mentioned in one of the chapters. Reading Nikole's and the scholars' stories made a conviction in me to seriously consider of Christian medical missionary or at least a career focused on global public health. I know it seems weird to add that in, but there are turning points mentioned in these chapters that me admire these brilliant women despite all the difficulties that they have to face. There seems to be an assumption or pressure to not showcase the difficulties in order to keep the "strong, independent women" image when in reality, we are all struggling at times. I feel that struggle and I bet many people do too. And the book displays the struggle incredibly, vividly well while entwining God's grace and His gospel among the women's lives. I think I can demonstrate a little bit by sharing some of my favorite quotes from the book so far:

"I am no longer a victim, but a survivor." She continued with Hope on her lap, "My dream is to help other girls see this within themselves- that's why I want to study social work. I want to help survivors know that they are no longer victims too. I want them to see me and say, 'If she can make it, then I can also make it." Her eyes welled up. (pg 52)

"Telling your story is the first step to healing," she concluded (pg 64)

"It seems the work of justice cannot be fulfilled in the absence of suffering." (pg 103)

She said, "Do you know what stopped me from taking my life? After I cut myself, I realized that my blood was the blood of Jesus. Because he loves me, I need to love myself and others. I'll see you when we finally meet with God one day." (pg 45)

"My dream is to be doctor so that I can be an example to other girls and show them that women can be influential and save lives. We don't have to stay at home to serve men--- we can be outstanding in any occupation we choose" (pg 59)

"It seems that unfair things in our lives pave the way for good things to come. We must stay strong, persevering as we wait for it. Without faith, there is so much in this world to fear. In fear, there is no joy in living. Joy is what keeps me going. I don't have to be uptight, life is too short not to laugh" (pg 108)

Chapter 14-19

8/20-8/24

The ending kindled and stoke the flames of hope within men as I hope the same for you.

I think overall the last couple of chapters show how much the women have grown as well how sexual assaults and trafficking are internationally involved. It also showed me how to handle with anger towards unjust actions and transform it through healing and justice, rather than lashing out and hurting others. Overall, it's a wonderful book and I really recommend it. I want to share a couple of my favorite quotes once one more time.

"I now know why why you were so angry as a child. You knew that all was not well with the world, but you didn't now how to respond. And so you would react in tantrums and yelling, fighting and screaming. but somehow, you've been able to channel your anger towards something meaningful-towards justice" (pg 133)

"Mom, just love me. You've taught me  everything I need to know. I have to fight this one on my own" (pg 132)

"Don't give up on me. Even beautiful things can break if they're overused and mistreated. I break a lot, but I am strong. I know my purpose. That is what keeps me going. This hope is the water, the bond that keeps rejoining the broke but beautiful pieces of me." (pg 156)

If you have read the book, please do let me know what you think. Also feel encouraged to donate to their organization to support them. 

Book order: 

https://www.ivpress.com/liberation-is-here

Book launch party:

https://www.freelyinhope.org/events/launchparty/

Freely in Hope: 

https://www.freelyinhope.org

It's Hard...Yet God is Still Sovereign

August 28, 2020 Friday 10:16pm

 Hello everyone! 

I hope you are all doing well in this crazy time that we are living in. I finally updated the font type to Proxima Nova to give this blog post a new fresh look. I admit I am likely not going to post anytime soon this year other than near the end of the year. I have been busy, and I know Facebook is a quick way to showcase updates of everyone's lives, but I feel more comfortable sharing about my thoughts on my blog even though I'm not sure how my information will be used later on. Granted, that is the the same for Facebook and other social media platforms.

Anyway, I will write up an update on my life so far from my last blog post and what I have learned so far during this transition. As a heads up, this blog post is a long bumpy train of thought.

June 2020 

My last semester at UC Berkeley was fun. Even though I initially did not plan to take summer classes at UC Berkeley again since Taiwan Study Abroad is my main goal, I enjoyed the 5 online courses that I took, which is around 9 semester units. Before you start to think I'm crazy, I know a friend who took over 30 units this semester, so I'm relatively less crazy than him...or at least I think I am. Anyway, I took Environmental Health Science for my major, Epidemiology (my first and only grad class), Beginner Piano, Intro to CRISPR, and SPUR Independent Research. If you're familiar with UCB's summer schedule, I had a class each Session from A to E. In other words, my classes' start dates were two weeks apart. Only Session A classes end before Session D classes start in July. Granted, I only needed to take one class to graduate, but I want to take fun courses at UCB especially piano because I want to make the most of my last semester and knock off my buckle list classes. I am luckily to have my two gifted friends to teach me the techniques and skills involved in playing piano. I started reading sheet music and practicing my favorite piano piece, Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence by Ryuichi Sakamoto. Even though the piece is pretty advanced for me, I'm determined to at least memorize the piece through practice! I have watched many videos from a YouTube channel called TwoSetViolin created by two violinists who encouraged people to practice and make funny, informative videos about music. They really helped appreciate classical music and encouraged me to not give up practicing piano and guitar, which at times serve as my way to de-stress. 

Stress...man, I haven't handled it well when I moved back home to be honest. I felt exhausted from cleaning my parents' storage room from March to May to ensure I have a place to study effectively when school switched from in-person to online instruction. The prolonged cleaning left me with intense wrist pain that lasted a couple of weeks. Moreover, I started looking to use my dental and vision insurance coverage before they end in July 31 as well switching over to a new medical insurance. Meanwhile, I looked into buying a car for my potential job in UCSF, but I never knew used hybrid cars are expensive! Overall, it was a long process of figuring things out that I took for granted as a college student.

Sigh...It was hard to adjust my routine with my family's routine, especially with the financial stress that my family is facing. I love my family, but I longed for the freedom I had in living away from them during my time in college. Even though I have friends who tell me that I'm an adult, I learned that I need to respect my parents more because they are my parents. It reminded me of one of God's Ten Commandments: Honor your father and  your mother. After all, they're not going to always be around me later on in life. I also learned after talking about my family situation to older women in my church that my parents are also adjusting to having me move back home. It's hard for them to not see me as a child and to recognize I am an adult, even though I want to be seen an adult. In other words, my family and I were entering this transition of me moving from college to post grad, from me being a dorky college student to a college graduate seeking full time work. 

Transition.....those are the wonky time periods that I struggle a lot with. I felt like I could not take a break and that I had to know all of the answers immediately to make the "right" decision or else I screw up my life. I am grateful that my Christian fellowship Intervarsity gave us graduating seniors a parting book called After College: Navigating Transitions, Relationships and Faith by Erica Young Reitz. The book was a quick read for me, but it really asked me to question my assumptions about my post-grad life. I always thought that transitioning life from college to college graduate was going to be smooth, because I had a set plan to graduate normally, study abroad in Taiwan, work/volunteer at the Wu lab in Stanford, take the MCAT and apply for medical/podiatry school. However, plans change. I admit I was very disappointed that my transition as well my friends' transitions were very bumpy, especially when my friends could not find jobs. When I hear about their potential backup plans, I never thought about how difficult it is to apply for jobs because I assumed that we would graduate in a good economy, not during this lock-down stagnant economy. Even so, reading the book reminded me that God is still sovereign. I feel I keep repeating the phrase "God is still sovereign" to help me calm down as I juggle the possibility of pursuing Masters of Public Health, missionary trips, moving to a job site, commuting, da da la da. I just wonder how long will I continue struggling during this transition period. 

July 2020

There were some great moments this month.

I got to connect with my professor from Environmental Health Science and made new friends. I graduated by completing my last major requirement class! I started working on my independent research project with ArcGISPro. I practiced driving on the highway after a 4 year hiatus. I got connected to my church's women bible study and young adult home group. I got ClearConnect aligners to correct my teeth alignment from my incredibly sweet dentist. I got my family a compost bin using the gift money I got from participating in the Safe Campus study with UCB and received a negative COVID testing. I got the Gilman Scholarship! As for my family and friends, we started getting closer again during shelter in place. We started watching Lord of the Rings series so that I can be caught up on the references and not give up reading the book series. 

There were also some not so great moments. 

I lost my medical scribe job offer and forfeited my UCSF job, so I had no backup of what to do after I finished my classes. I got terrified of driving on the highway when I didn't make three smooth lane changes, but no one got hurt. I relived the loss of not being able to go to Taiwan when I received the Gilman Scholarship. I got into an argument about paying for the aligners that it became my main financial responsibility, even though $3.2k was a lot for me to pay. I felt so lost. . . and just cried in what I should do because I realized I'm not sure what I want anymore. I talked to my friends, advisors, and counselors on what I should do and most of the times I was looking for someone to tell me what to do who is not myself. So many "I" statements are being used here, because I felt I didn't know who I am during this period of confusion. I make one plan; it changes the next plan so I make another plan...and it changes the next day. There were many nights of me looking up virtual study programs to use the Gilman Scholarship while I filled out job applications and programs such as the AmeriCorp, prepared for job interviews, studied for my summer classes, and wondered what God wants me to do. I then realized that God is still sovereign despite of my confusion and that there is only so much I can control in my life...and it's best for me to release that control over to God because He knows what is best for me. 

Overall, it was a hectic month. I often kept up with my 4 high school friends and meet up in person (gasp, I know but I got later tested negative for COVID in early Aug so don't worry). It was relaxing to watch Lord of the Rings and having boardgames nights with them. I do admit there were times I would hang out with them to escape my home and to distract myself from my rambling, tumbling thoughts that seeped my energy and sleep away for a couple of nights. Near the end of July, I was more settled down and returned to my chill self after I decided to pursue a virtual internship with the backing of the Gilman Scholarship in my hometown.

But of course, plans can change the next day.

August 2020

Finals. My last finals at Berkeley. 

I was so excited to finish studying and taking my finals. I passed my piano final with flying colors, especially when I memorized the pieces and yet mess up twice during my performance due to my nervousness. I also was excited to finish my research project, which involved me analyzing residential pools belonging to owners who violated EBMUD's excessive water policy during the CA drought season in 2015-2016. I bumped into so many technical difficulties when I tried to deep learning marked pool images on ArcGISPro that the technical support reported an official defect to the developers and forwarded my notes to them. The CRISPR course was also fun to sit in and listen to the different applications of CRISPR ranging from ethics, plants, regulations, etc. And last of all, my graduate epidemiology course in which I got to connect with the graduate student instructors and classmates. The funny thing is that when I took the final, it was when the heatwave was starting to build up, so I took my exam online in a hot room for 4 hours. Right after I finished my exam on August 13, I just went to my friends' house and chill there. It was relieving to be free of school for once and I believed I can sleep in, at least for a week before I started go back into job searching.

Nah. What is rest these days?

Remember what I said before?

 PLANS CAN CHANGE THE NEXT DAY!

August 14, 2020 10:39am I woke up to a phone call, wondering if it's a job offer. It was my professor from my eye decal that I took Spring 2019. I was surprised that he had my number and remembered I applied for a position in his medical fellowship at his clinic in March. He informed me that there is an open spot in the fellowship and that he wanted me to join after getting approval from everyone in his clinic and fellowship. I was in stupor because I thought it was already pretty late to be accepted. I originally was on the waitlist in April and assumed the fellows were already decided by then. I already dismissed the possibility of me joining the fellowship because I thought I was not qualified and I was unwilling to move near Pinole. But at the moment, it felt everything slowed down while I was talking with my professor. I moved up from my bed to my desk to grab any available notepad and pencil and slowly walked to the hallway in disbelief, because earlier I was offered and rejected a job offer within a week from another medical clinic. I didn't want to get my hopes up and be crushed again. He then told me that he really wanted me to join the medical fellowship and is sad to hear I was waitlisted. He added on that he really want to help me to get into medical school and help me with my hope of being a medical missionary, which is something in the back of my head that I want to do but know that I'm likely not going to be paid nor be approved by my parents or potential husband. Honestly, I remembered telling my professor about it back in Spring 2019 and thought, "Oh? How do I know if God wants me to be one while I'm also envisioning myself in a suburban home in the Bay area with children and my future husband. I am likely going to give up that lifestyle, but I don't know if I'm ready. But I really enjoyed working in another country with people who need the medical assistance and public health intervention. But how do I know I'm not acting out of vanity?" After that quick flashback to the phone call, I said, "I'll talk to my parents about the possibility of commuting and moving that weekend", and that I will get back to him about my decision over the weekend. After we ended the call, I simply sat the carpeted floor of my house and looked at what I wrote down on my notepad, but all I got was a heavy decision resting on my shoulders. I went downstairs and talked to my dad, and he immediately said no as I expected because Pinole is too far from our hometown and I'm too inexperienced in driving by myself on the highway. I squatted down and told him there are no other jobs available and I would benefit from this medical fellowship to have a higher chance to get in medical school, which is not easy to get in. He understood, but he was worried I would not be able to be financially independent. Then start the housing-commuting option search in which I asked my friends. I often joke myself as a leech, since I'm using my friends as sources of info and help a bit more than I give at times sadly (ex. food). Later on I mentioned about this position to my friend in church and asked if I should take it. She then wondered if it was the same doctor whom she brought her friend to as my professor. I remembered thinking in my head at that moment, "God, you usually tell me to do something if there is a serendipitous connection or something repeats without me ever mentioning it. If it is the same doctor, I'll take it but I'm scared." She then confirmed it was the same doctor. So I texted my professor yes on Sunday. That Sunday night, my mom and I also slept downstairs on the couches since it was too hot upstairs due to the heart wave. That night I decided to pack my 3.5 years of stuff from college, but I overestimated that I had a lot of junk. It was odd to sleep around the boxes that I brought from college and to think I am unpacking and repacking things again.

On the following Sunday morning (Aug 16, 2020), after a blistering heat wave, my mom and I woke up to a thunderstorm. Of course, since one of my dreams is to take a picture of the lightning and I could not sleep, I spent two hours taking pictures of it outside. Yes, outside in the middle of thunderstorm even though I am unwise to stand between two metal objects near trees in my backyard...so I moved to front of the house to take pictures instead. I admit it was beautiful to see the lightning, and sunset except when the lightning was really close to me and later caused Taiwanese hot humid weather and then the CA fires. I had to shut myself in my room because my asthma flared up again.

Lightning!

Gracie!

    Quercus agrifolia at sunset

Then the next day, I got the acceptance from the medical fellowship on Monday afternoon. The manager called first me if I can start working, and I said Sept 2nd. She agreed and forwarded me the contact info of a coworker who can help me with the commute until I find a place. Then my professor called me if I can start working on Tuesday August 18. I said no immediately because I have no ride set up and he suggested Thursday August 20...and I timidly said yes. 

After a long chain of asking and replying, I decided to move to Richmond on August 23 Sunday and bus to work. Thinking about paying my own rent, my ClearConnect bill, my internship fees until I get reimbursed, etc etc etc, I felt overwhelmed and the whole time I was scared. During my first week of training, I questioned myself do I want to be a doctor, how can I learn so much info, will I crash during work from waking up at 6:45am everyday, etc etc etc. I appreciate my fellow coworkers being supportive and nice to me, but I feel stretched thinly when I'm scheduled for a main position next Friday instead of two weeks from today after handling my family's business for 2 hours or more when I get back from work from Aug 20 to 26. But I'm taking the time to learn the in's and out's of the clinic and working on being as professional and efficient as I can be quickly. I'm also learning to cherish my free time, such as catching up with friends or writing up this blog post or crashing my Christian fellowship's club meeting to see how everyone was doing even though I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep without caffeine. Even so, I rather talk with my friend, especially one who's curious about who is God and Jesus than sleep because I don't want to let these precious moments slip away. But even so, I know I need to sleep. 

Overall, I want to write down my thoughts and process them out since I have been holding them inside my head for such a long time. It is exciting to be in a new area and scary, especially when I saw a really bad car accident on San Pablo Avenue on Aug 28 on the way back from work. I guess in a way, this blog post is for me to also encourage whoever reads this to also talk to me, since I'm worn thin. It's Aug 29 1 am right now, so I spent around 2 hours and 15 minutes writing this all out. 

I also want to add one more note about my thoughts on how 2020 is not giving us a break and my general thoughts about 2020. I remembered talking to my pastor back in Feb 2020 that the last thing I heard from God was, "This world is going to end." Of course, my immediate thought is that Jesus is coming back and I hope my non Christian friends can be saved. Now looking back, I'm thinking it could also mean that the normal life we have has already ended and the life won't be the same after this pandemic. Also back in Jan, I remembered waking up from a dream of my cats dying as I cried out with tears from the grief, even though I was not worried about their death. It seemed really out of the blue, so I brought it up at the morning prayer meeting with my fellowship that there was one word that was very clear: grief; that there will be great grief this year. Yet despite this negative foreshadowing, in the beginning of 2020, my church and I sang a song called, "Jesus at the Centre" by Darlene Zschech. Despite all the crazy things that are happening, the phrase, "Jesus be the center of it all" resonated with me about this year with a simple message: God is still sovereign. 

So to blame on 2020 makes me think we haven't fully recognized where we are at now. And blaming on the year seemed to be a popular complaint, especially with the memes around 2016. I really do feel that events like these are going to happen more often ( or at least more reported), and we should really think about what matters to us in life because there is no guarantee we live to old age. Granted, these are pretty morbid thoughts that I'm sharing, but they are important thoughts to consider. I guess that is what I really miss from in person interactions: deep conversations without the fear of someone listening in and to be in the same space as someone. 

I hope you all are doing well and please keep in touch with me! I am very lucky to have a full time job where still many of my graduated friends don't have jobs. Also, I wish you luck for those in school and/or having similar struggles as me. Taking life one step at a time is really helpful during this crazy transition.

Keep Moving Forward

May 14, 2020 Thursday

I finished my last spring semester finals last night. After cramming in a semester's worth of information and chunking it on my final exam, I felt relieved to be done...and sad. 

This Saturday was supposed to be my commencement for the Class of 2020 at UC Berkeley (as well my high school friend's birthday). 

This Sunday was also the commencement for College of Natural Resources (CNR)'s Class of 2020, and I think next Monday was supposed to be for the department graduation for Molecular Environmental Biology majors. 

However, it'll be the Blockery University's commencement this Saturday (which is still pretty cool, don't get me wrong. I just need to find a compatible laptop to launch Minecraft) and a virtual CNR commencement this Monday. And it looks like in person meetings will be at a halt for the next couple of months. 

When I came back home, I was walking around the neighborhood with my neighborhood friend, and we overheard a gentleman's conversation on the phone. He was expressing his sadness for the class of 2020, and I was reminded that we couldn't have a normal graduation or even the security of knowing what may comes next when our after graduation plans also came to a halt. Honestly, I kept pushing away this feeling of loss to focus on schoolwork and senior farewells. However, whenever I see a post on Facebook from my school talking about the loss we have, I couldn't help but cry because I was looking forward to this year so much...even when I graduated high school. 

The dreams of having senior hangouts, participating in graduation ceremonies, studying with friends in late night sessions, hiking trips, ...going to Taiwan for the first time to see my family's roots......

And now that finals are over, I could let those feelings I pushed away sink in as I still wondered on what I should do this summer and after graduation. Which summer classes should I take and drop? Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again? Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when? Should I pursue podiatry or medical school? What do I want to? 

Eventually, I will have to answer those questions and I hope that God will help me guide in answering them because I really need guidance and a reminder that what is important is that we're still alive and that people are fighting for others to be alive. Looking back to times when people couldn't graduate or attend their ceremonies because of unforeseen circumstances, drafting, etc. reminds me that we are still fortunate enough to be alive and still experience some closure for our academic achievements. 

Earlier this month, I was caught in an argument with a friend of mine who wished the lockdown to be lifted up immediately for economical reasons, while I argued that it shouldn't for epidemiological reasons. Our argument eventually came down to having a life but not being able to enjoy it for a while or risking one's life to enjoy life, and I personally said I rather have a life because situations like the pandemic is not permanent. The effects of it may be permanent, but the decision of how we wish to live our lives and how important our life is are up to us. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling along, but I am planning to go back to Berkeley to grab the last of my belongings and move out of my co-op as well take graduation pictures with my friends and cherish our last time together in undergrad. 

May 27, 2020 Tuesday

Wow, I really did have a cluttered mind earlier in this earlier post. I realized that over the years I am treating this website as a journal entry than a photography blog. I think it mainly comes from the fear of my photographs being used without my permission and the desire to share my jumbled thoughts and reflections on what I'm going through. I would say at the moment, my thoughts are clearer than two weeks ago, especially when some of my earlier questions have been answered. So...what happened in the last two weeks?

I officially moved out of Berkeley (Thank God) and now at home (Help me God). I also got to meet up with friends, walk around campus, and take graduation pictures. I celebrated graduation with my friend as we watched the live stream Minecraft commencement and agreed that we will show up for our physical commencement. I read The Book Thief in 3 days and cried at the one scene and compared it to the movie adaptation. I hiked Grizzly Peak with my high school friend to fulfill his 4 year promise that he'll take me hiking around Berkeley if I choose to go to Berkeley back when we were in high school. I ate a farewell dinner with residents in my co-op. I visited SF for my job interview with my friends, got the job, and survived a potential car accident in Berkeley in a friend's car (curse the evil speeding black truck driving past pedestrians crossing a street in a busy intersection). Needless to say, it was an eventful week. 

Now at home, I am taking summer classes and cleaning out my family's house and recycling my dad's old work files from 20 years ago. I stumbled on some jewels of my parents' life such as my dad's driver licence booklet in Taiwan and my mom's pencil pouch. I also stumbled on papers that were peed on when a raccoon sneaked in the house :( Earlier before summer school started, my friends and I hung out at one of their homes where we played Undertale. It was fun playing through the battles and puzzles. We laughed at the funny side scenes, notably Undyne's cooking lesson and the date with Papyrus. Maybe I should draw out fan art for them?

Anyway, I have to admit that God is amazing in helping me answer my questions that have been swarming my mind earlier. I sadly admit that I haven't been dutiful keeping up on connecting with God without accountability with my fellowship and my church. Not having a physical interaction with other people really affects me in a way that I had not expected, which leads me to turn to online social media, Youtube and email for something new. Hopefully, I will be less online and more intentional with my relationship with God and my family. 

To answer those previous questions, 

Which summer classes should I take and drop? 

I added Epidemiology (my only grad class) and dropped Pro-typing and Fabrication. I'm likely drop to independent research as an academic credit because I do not have $419 on me, but I can still do the research. 

Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again? 

Oh, boy. On May 25, I submitted my withdrawal and it was processed on Tuesday morning. Then the UCEAP announced all the year long and fall study abroad programs are suspended...so yes, the program was cancelled on me again and I forfeited my UCEAP Promise scholarship.

Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when? 

I am joining the Raffai Lab with Anh Phu and Martin Ng in August after I finish my summer classes and walk out with my degree. 

Should I pursue podiatry or medical school? 

I don't know, but I at least narrow down to those two. I thought about grad school and talked with my grad friends and professors, and it seems like I'm not as interested in the grad school life. I also thought about MD-PhD and realized that I may not want to be the head of my own lab with a specific research topic in mind....but I don't know. I still like the two options of med or pod school. 

What do I want to? 

I want to sleep, not melt in this heat, hang out with friends, pass my classes, graduate, drive on the highway with a car and covered by car insurance, and have a place to study at my house. 

As for now, I want to keep chugging along and enter the post-grad life, so wish me and the class of 2020 luck!

Now, graduation pictures!!!

Pictures taken by my good friend Navin Utain whom I met at CalSo

:)

Navin Utain and I near one of the Memorial Seals

View of the bay from Grizzly Peak

And of course, my cats! Here's Christina.

Felicia and Christina

Gracie

Hidden in the Hills

Hello everyone! I realized that today is Saturday and that Spring Break is relatively over or indefinitely continued until the end of the semester. I also realized it was 4 years ago that I was rejected from UCB today :P hehehe
I want to share my first essay for my class, Art of Scientific Writing (IB 101), which is a small fun class that I highly recommend. The reason I want to share this essay now is because I feel reminiscent of my childhood as I cleaned out my family's old stuff in our storage room. I also am excited by how springtime is bringing a lot of life in this crazy time we are in. I hope you all enjoy reading it.

My earliest and fondest memories of my childhood home in Fremont, California is when I snuck outside to run up the verdant hills that nuzzled the end of my court. I do not recall when I first strolled up those hills, but I vividly remember feeling joyful when I walked through the enveloping, dense grass. The world seemed bright and boundless just like the hills. I pretended that I was an explorer searching for adventure and a path to Mission Peak, Fremont’s iconic summit and hiking spot. I often daydreamed what it would be like to climb up from the hills to Mission Peak and go paragliding while I watched paragliders floating down from the peak in streams of colors. I also wondered what caused the geologic scar-like feature on Mission Peak. Is Mission Peak secretly an extinct volcano that caved in one side? Why does the scar look flat but so linear? Little did I know that I was looking at Mission Peak’s landslide scars caused by the 1998 El Niño rains and uplifting forces from the Calaveras and Hayward Faults. I also did not know that these geologic forces created the hills that spurred my imagination and later became my source of comfort when I moved houses in 2004. 
Moving to a new neighborhood was difficult for me because I was thrown into an unknown territory. I relocated to a house adjacent to three public schools ten miles away from my old home. The hills that once were so close to me were now an unreachable backdrop from my new house. I was grateful to see them in the far distance, but I felt trapped, especially when I was bullied in elementary school. I found my solace in Mission Creek, a local creek in front of my new house. To my amazement, there was always a symphony in the creek. At night, there were owls hooting and frogs ribbiting. In the morning, scrub jays squawked and mourning doves cooed their sad songs. My sense of curiosity was rekindled and grew in Mission Creek, especially when my science teacher taught natural history lessons at the creek. Unfortunately, I started to lose my curiosity once my elementary school removed the field science program due to budget cuts and liabilities. Observing birds through binoculars was replaced by detailed drawings of birds in textbooks. During high school, I was discouraged to question the textbooks to maximize my grades, not my understanding of the material. When I went to UC Berkeley, I asked myself multiple times why I was interested in science whenever I lost my interest in courses full of mindless memorization. Frustration arose when I was instructed to memorize amino acids and chemical reactions because I felt I was graded based on accuracy, not out of interest. I knew it was time for me to go back to my roots. 

When I came back to visit my old neighborhood fifteen years later, I walked to the hills as if I was under a trance. The grass was still a green, wavy sea rustling with life but was marked with barbed wire to deter nearby cattle and trespassers. Of course, I climbed over the wires and walked higher and higher until I could see both my old neighborhood and my current one on top of the hill. I soon discovered they were connected to each other because Mission Peak and the hills are the watershed that channel springwater to Mission Creek. I cried from the love this place had given me when I realized that these three key places are always there to beckon me home, especially the hills. These places compel me to explore the world with eyes of wonder and never let systematic barriers extinguish my curiosity and love for nature. 

Source of the springwater!

Go outside to explore nature more! I'll teach you some plants :D

Thoughts of class of 2020/2021?

School is online... (March 10, 2020)
For the rest of the semester? (March 13, 2020)
....

2 weeks later, I'm back home for spring break and still preparing back up classes for summer and potentially the fall semester if my summer classes once again goes up into the flames of unforeseen circumstances. My original plans for the semester were  a). attend the remainder of my classes in person b). walk in May in my commencement with the class of 2020 and c). attend my summer abroad program in Taiwan. Alas, none of them are happening...and I think the worse part is not being able to say goodbye to people who may not return for personal reasons. I remembered when I first learned that classes will be online up to Spring break, I was a little relieved to catch some sleeping time and schoolwork after I pushed them off last week, which was the first week of March. That week ,before any news of online classes or any viral outbreaks, was rough after I realized that my summer abroad program can be canceled.


Monday, March 2nd:
I hastily meet up with my study abroad adviser to talk about my backup study abroad program, which is applying for Fall 2020 at National Taiwan University. I learned that I need to apply for the FASFA today since today was the deadline for FASFA in California. Meanwhile ,I rushed to finish my Gilman Scholarship  essays for my summer abroad program, which was due tomorrow. I later skipped one of my classes to meet with the study abroad financial adviser about the fall program cost and then rushed to my major adviser to talk about my eligibility to do a fall program and moving my expected graduation date, which is possible since I'm a spring admit on my 7th semester and the College of Natural Resources guarantees me 8 semesters for my undergrad. I later called my dad for some tax information when I filled out the FASFA, explained why I need to make a backup, and how it is not my fault for expecting a pandemic to cancel my program and postponing my graduation. I also accidentally submitted my Gilman scholarship application empty-handed and emailed the organization to re-open my application...and I felt so sad that my dream to go to Taiwan was being crushed. I have no energy to go to my Christian fellowship meeting that night, since all I wanted to do was cry in my room.

Tuesday, March 3rd:
I woke up, thinking it's the due date for the scholarship and I was relieved to know my application was re-opened. I spent the next few hours drafting my essays in my room and in my ecological genetics class. I also went to submit my ballot for the primaries in one of the student dorms. I must have been so tired to almost out my ballot in the trash can next to the voting place signage, but luckily I looked instead to realize it was indeed a trash can. After waiting 30 minutes to see if I could get a presidential ballot without forfeiting my hometown ballot, I learned I cannot at all unless I am in my hometown, so I just submitted my ballot and bought lunch. I felt hopeful and relaxed to eat outside, and then I realized I forgot to do one of my homework assignments for my Art of Scientific Writing course that is due today...so I hastily did it in class and got the research book Waste by Kate O'Neil, who is my Global Theme Housing program professor back in my freshman year. I needed for my assignment. I felt sheepish of my half-finished outline for my midterm paper while my dear professor looked at my outline. I'm thankful he reassured me that it was good when deep down I felt that I disappointed him. Meanwhile, my classmates got news that Berkeley has a first confirmed case of the Coronavirus-2019. Everyone was scared that it was already on campus and glad we had no class on Thursday to support graduate students's wage increases in light of their living costs and tuition. Back in my co-op, I quickly typed up my Gilman scholarship essays and completed my Visual Communication and Design project. To see my work presented in design class later that night made me confirmed that it was a rush job but it was full of potential for me to work on a later day. After I got back from class at 7pm, I ate some dinner and have one of my dear friends helped me edited my scholarship essays. After I sent in my application, I felt relieved...but I knew I have to complete my Berkeley study abroad application for the fall semester and other scholarship essays for the fall, which I received tonight...and it's due on Thursday....Thank God my group project midterm for Principles of Drug Action was completed on Sunday since it was due on Wednesday.

Wednesday, March 4th:
After looking at the fall program's course list, I realized I need to have the courses approved by my college's adviser and let my major adviser know what I am planning, so I sent out an email to them at 1:30am. I then went to bed and woke up at 8am for my Public Health Biostatistics course... but I was too tired to go and instead waited to submit my online participation quiz. After going to another class, I later met up with the study abroad peer adviser about applying for the fall semester and then talked to a Peace Corp recruiter, since I'm interested in the program but unsure if I should join. When I got back home, I quickly wrote my essays for study abroad. After finishing them, I felt exhausted and realized I still have to redesign my design project and complete my essay outline...

Thursday, March 5th:
I submitted my two applications for the National Taiwan University's Fall program for my study abroad adviser and later met with my major adviser about what has happened. It was wonderful to talk with her and to confide in her my hectic week as well keeping on track to graduate. I later on met with my study abroad adviser who told me the potential costs of both programs and that by May 1st, I need to withdraw from the Fall program to avoid necessary and expensive costs. I was winding down and getting back to school work while the graduate student protest was going on that day. I later started on my scholarship essay for the UCEAP promise award and have my friends edited it as well.

Friday, March 6th:
I got an email that I'm accepted in the Fall Taiwan program! I got a verification email about my summer program and how I need to take the next pre-departure requirements. Things felt calmer. I enjoyed my tap dancing class even though I was confused on the steps. I later went to an orchestra concert with my dear friend and comforted him when the concert didn't meet his expectations. I randomly ran into a dear friend of mine who also was sad by the concert but happy to run into me. Overall it was fun and I wished to have more moments like these. If only I knew how fleeting it was going to be.

Monday,  March 9th:
I woke up 5 minutes too late for my public health stats quiz. I was distraught and turned my attention to my design innovation guest speaker class. (If you have been keeping track, I'm in 7 classes this semester:D ) I was happy to submitted my UCEAP promise scholarship essay and to enjoy my Monday. I really related to the guest speaker from his time at UC Berkeley, post undergrad, grad school, and all these cool amazing things he had done. I also got to have a wonderful time with Christian fellowship as we discussed logistics coming up and share each other's personality types. Even so, we got an email that starting tomorrow up to Spring break, all classes except small person class sizes are online. In light of this news, I spent the night writing my midterm paper about electronic waste and thinking how I can sleep in.

Tuesday, March 10th:
Everyone was not as proactive during their first day on online classes. I'm definitely one of them. It was odd to have the whole day free up, so I decided to think about 3D printing, laser cutting, drawing, designing, sleeping in, cleaning my room and hanging out with friends. After all, I assumed this next two weeks will be the only time we have online classes, right? Plus the idea of sitting in front of a computer does not spark joy into me, since I enjoy going outside. I later hung out with my dear friend and tried out late night food at the dining commons for the first time. I never thought that it would be the last time I get to hang out with her this semester.

Friday, March 13th:
There is a news report that we have our 1st confirmed case of the virus in our student community. The panic is increased as the student was in a large student gathering. The idea of social distancing is heightened as my friends keep posting memes about the virus. After hearing about this news, I decided to go hang out with some friends that night and serendipitously helped another friend with her car. It was a fun spontaneous night where I got to watched Officespace and learn how to play guitar. I later learned that night  the Jacobs Makerspace was closed up to Spring break, leaving me sad that I cannot continue 3D printing, which I did for the first time on March 11th.

The next few days I got lazy, but I continued practicing guitar and having my co-op friends teach me their tips. The days were fill with cooking, work, washing dishes and pots in my co-op and hanging out with friends for the last time. There were jokes on how the Zoom stocks will rise while the airplane stocks will plummet...which did happened.

Monday, March 16th:
I'm cleaning dishes while my co-op friend said classes are all online. I asked him that it has to be a joke, and when he showed me the email, I was devastated...There was also news of a lock down coming. I knew that people would be trying to move out of their apartment and dormitory quickly before it was too late to go back home. Commencement was also postponed, and it felt like we couldn't do anything other than practice public health guidelines of staying away from each other and being sanitary.

Thursday, March 19th:
I was on a Zoom lecture with my Art of Scientist Writing class when I learned that my summer abroad program was cancelled once Taiwan closed its borders to all international travel. I was heartbroken and cried from the news while my co-op friends, my professor and my classmates reassured me. I asked my biostats professor to move my midterm for biostats from tomorrow to April 1st, since there were two options. Either way, I felt I didn't know what to do other than sign up for summer classes.

Wednesday, March 25th:
I'm back home for spring break and told my family the plans I have. I already enrolled in summer classes, but there are also rumors that it may be cancelled or moved completely online. Some of the courses I signed up are in person labs, so I'm again skeptical if it will happened while a part of me remains hopeful and excited. I also contacted the study abroad program about the fall program and that there is a chance it could also be cancelled if this pandemic worsens. Also there is a chance that I could potentially have my degree in Spring 2021 if I go on this program.

I guess I'm trying to regain some routine and keeping myself busy and not glued to the computer screen. I already have some work piled up like my biostats midterm, midterm paper, tap dancing homework, posters and ecological genetics proposal due next week. I also started gardening and continuing drawing and reading a book called Braiding Sweetgrass.

I'm trying to pray more and read my Bible more, since I feel I'm once again slipping away. I am grateful to be home with my family, my cats, my friends, food and the California weather. I am grateful to have my Christian fellowship community and my church family as well. There is still a future to look forward in this crazy times, so I will continue to have hope and ground myself in you, God. I haven't really taken the time to set my thought down since I was so focused on the plans I have in mind and that losing them once again revealed my faith in you is still fragile instead of steadfast. Help us all in these times as well remind us to shine your light for others who need you as well.

In the meantime, enjoy an infographic I made.