Wrap up Class of 2016

Final Moments as a High School Senior

Even though I'm a bit late on this post, I have been wanting to share this with you guys and keep it as a memento of what has been going through my mind as I graduated with my friends and classmates. By the way, it's pretty long, but it's worthwhile reading. 

If you want a spiel of what it's like to be a in a catch-22 for college, continue reading. It does get a bit dark, but it's noteworthy to read it. 

If you want to read a positive story, then scroll down to Graduation--June 8, 2016. There are fun pictures down there. :D

Enjoy reading.

College Acceptance (late May)

This is the moment when each person finally gets to confirm which school they are going to (unless something happens like UC San Diego updating your application on June 8, 2016, the day you graduated...) Anyway, I can distinctly remember the dread of waiting from the colleges I had applied and facing the high expectations from my parents. 

Back in March, I only got accepted into UC Santa Barbara out of the eleven schools I have applied and was wait listed for UC Davis, UC San Diego, UChicago, and UC Irvine (I never got a response from them). 

Once March ended, my parents were still not happy at the results. Arguments arose between my parents and me, mainly over my decision to declare Biology as my major and to not spend innumerable number of hours on my college applications. I can distinctly recalled the night when I first learned I was wait listed from UC Davis. I'm not sure if this is accurate, but by declaring Biology or another capped major, I was placed in a more competitive pool and more likely to get rejected compared to someone who has done a lot more stuff than me.

While my parents continued to argue as if that would change the past, I locked myself in my bedroom and just cried. My father's words, "You disobeyed me" echoed in my head, and another dark thought crept in my mind. I told one of my friends if he could called me and later that night he did. Over the phone call, I kept telling him, "I'm scared. I'm scared. I don't want to be here, I honestly feel that my parents valued me based off the colleges I got into. I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do." When it was March 24, 2016, my family learned I was rejected from UC Berkeley, and the same argument arose again.

The next day, I wrote in my journal...



                "4 rejected, 4 wait listed, 3 more to go. Hmm, I feel like I'm in a tight knot position like ( :D) who has two accepted schools as well as ( :D)'s AP Chemistry classmate last year who was wait listed to UCs and then got into UCLA after being wait listed from it. It feels I'm dangling between a hope of a miracle and despair. But I need to keep believing in God. I cannot give up on Him, and I cannot give up on myself. I need to have faith and take the risk. What do I have to lose? Go to Ohlone and take the placements and registration forms. [I actually am doing this, and I'm fine with it now. Hey, I got to spend a few months at home with my friends and be chill before I transitioned to my college in the spring semester]. Gap year? Honestly, I'm shooting for UC Davis at this point. May 1 to June. One month and and a half of waiting. Wait, Hope, Pray.

                I guess I'm still holding onto God because I know that not trusting in God is something I can't imagine nor refuse to imagine because I will be someone I will not want to be.

                Okay back to UC wait listed essays. At least the garden meeting cheered me up. I hate being valued by colleges as if it determines my entire life course. I'll talk with you later."

-Deborah Chen

Once April began, I have tried my best to not let the fear and uncertainty to follow me because it was not a comfortable feeling to carry around at school. While I heard about my peers getting into the colleges I wanted to get into, I felt an odd mix of  joy and jealousy towards them, because a part of me felt that I was left out. Yet, I remembered my mom confidently telling me that God has a great school for me in plan once May comes along. When she told me that, I felt it would UC Davis because I felt really confident that I will be accepted into that school.

Over time, I wrote my wait listed essays for UC Davis and UC San Diego and submitted them before April 15, 2016. I made preparation to settle at UC Santa Barbara, but I felt I would be at UC Davis. But, of course, my parents wanted me to appeal for UC Berkeley, so I quickly wrote an appeal essay and submitted it too. When May rolled in, I decided to send my AP scores this year to UC Davis. Later on the same week, I checked my email and learned that I did get into UC Davis on May 6, 2016. I was screaming and shouting, " I got into UC Davis! I got in! Thank you God!" and jumped around the house. It was so exciting for me to see a Congratulations email from UC Davis. While I wanted to submit my SIR within the same hour, my parents told me to wait for my other wait listed colleges. Nevertheless, I submitted my SIR one week later and then spent the next three days filling out online forms for housing, health insurance, orientation, etc. I later learned that my friends also were accepted, and I made plans to have all three of us to be roommates. It really did felt exciting for me, yet I still felt that lingering "what if I got into UC Berkeley?" inside of me. I tried to push it aside, but it kept creeping in the back of my mind. By the time, I was convinced that I have my next few years planned, I learned that sometimes life does not work like that at all.

I shall continue on this story with something I wrote on the day I went to Senior Ball. 

Written on May 28, 2016 Saturday

For those who have talked with me for the past few days, you may already noticed that I was in a dilemma. Four days ago, something arrived in my email.

Tue, May 24, 2016 at 4:21 PM

An Update to your UC Berkeley Application

............

I never expected that I will be spending the next three days debating intensely over which college I should go to. I asked my counselor, my biology/AP Environmental Science teacher, my AP English teacher, over twenty friends through Facebook and in person, and my family over which one was best for me.

Update:
I ended up deciding to go to UC Berkeley over UC Davis. It was one of the hardest decision I had to make in my life because I want to go to a school for genuine reasons and not out of prestige or family pressure. After talking with 20+ people, I decided to block out the noise and visit the campuses to get a nice feel of the universities. At UC Berkeley, I felt I would have more opportunities to explore and expand my interests there in the humanities field and meet people with similar interests as me compared to what I found at UC Davis. There's a lot of activity going on in UC Berkeley, and it seemed quaint in that kind of sense. I don't know what will happened, but I would still say that both universities are terrific and still love to visit UC Davis (and maybe bring my friend's hammock, so that we can doze the day away).

Honestly a lot of my friends and teachers felt that I would be better at UC Davis, especially when I do plan to become a podiatrist in the future. I'm more of the relaxed, laid back person who loves nature. However, I work hard and find myself doing a lot of academic work in my free time, mainly because I cannot relax unless I'm convinced there is nothing for me to do. After I made my decision, I felt that my friends were looking at me with sad eyes while a few looked at me with genuine joy. I can still remembered how a friend of mine reacted when I told him I decided to go to UC Davis at school. Even though he rejected UC Berkeley to go to University of Washington, he was not happy that I was potentially doing the same thing he was doing, since he believed that I deserved to go to Berkeley. After I visited the UC Berkeley's campus and paid my SIR, I was wondering if I had made the right decision. On the day of prom, he coincidentally ran past my house, and I called him out. After he used my laptop for AP World History group work (since his little sister and her friend were using all the computers in his home), I told him my decision. He immediately told me, "Really? That's great!" and I felt that his reassurance is all I needed to hear.






 Maybe that is what life is about? Taking risks and having faith that in the end, and everything will be fine. Keep trusting in God because you never know what will happen in life, and it's an encouraging feeling to know that He is there for you even if it feels everything in life is shooting you down. You'll be surprise of how much things in life can change, and it's up to your discretion to whether or not the change is good, bad, or eh.

Moreover, I wanna share you guys my stories as a reminder that you have to look things at the long term and keep believing. I'm afraid that there are others who were in a similar positions as me would take drastic measures to get away from them. I almost did, and it was a close call. What stopped me was when I remembered that my family, friends, teachers, neighbors, etc do not want me to be a position where I think it's better for me to just poof away. They care about me and I care about them, and that's should be enough of a reason for me to endure a little longer until things calm down. After moving away from it, I looked back and realized how many fun, positive things I have experienced since then. Yes, there is the occasional crisis every now and then, but I believe the positive experiences and attitude we carry makes the difference.

So....................here's a positive message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Graduation--June 8, 2016

Excerpt from my red tiny notebook, which serves as my journal at school. I also will not include real people's names because that's not respectful to them, and I'm too lazy to write them out. :D Also I'm cutting out info from the notebook, since I am still infected by senioritis. :D

            "My last day at high school.

And I still have a lingering thought from what happened yesterday.

During 3rd period, I was visiting my friend's AP Chem class. Surprisingly, one of my friends was there and playing Exploding Kittens, a card game. He was mainly focused on learning the game, and I thought it was best to let him play without me distracting him. Once I returned to my classroom, I worked on my Berkeley and Ohlone transfer situation, since I'm figuring out which major I want to declare in: Molecular Environmental Biology, Integrated Biology, and Molecular and Cell Biology. The same friend who was playing the card game came in and I was surprised he was standing to me.

"Hey"-Friend

"Hi, how come you're here?"-me

"I want to say I'm sorry for not paying attention to you when I was playing the game."-Friend

"Oh, it's okay dude."-me

Even thought I did not expect him to say that to me, I was glad he came to see me and reach out to me. That made me really happy. 

Anyway, back to the last day of high school. I was in my 6th period class, and my AP English teacher was retiring. During the party, I had a private conversation with her, and she told me...

     "You're a deeply good person, you know? You're hardworking, you always gave everything your best, you're sincere, sweet and environmentally conscience. Don't forget that. I shall keep this together (referring to the gift I gave her) and will write you a thank you note. Uh, I'm trying not to cry."

Later on, she addressed the class with a kind, heartfelt message:

         As Michelangelo once said cue on par one, "I'm still learning." Never stop learning. It's not for grades. It's not for degrees. As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." So keep questioning, That is my best hope for you, and I love you guys.

After I reflected on my years I have spent in this high school, I later wrote in my journal...

       "I miss Mission. The people really made it a place that I love. Even though I have felt a bit out of place at a few times, it has been a remarkable ride here. Yeah, I'm graduating with no regrets. This has been a fun ending for senior year, especially today. Especially the final day, since there is no final. I got pretty well grades, but who cares about that? All the memories here are what matters, and God let us have them and enjoy them. 

    

         Thank you God for a wonderful year! I know that I should finishing writing about the Ashland field trip, Prom, and extra things, but I admit it has been a wonderful ending. I enjoyed the memories and the visits from friends and teachers. I look forward to the future, and I hope everything will be alright. I know you'll keep me in my journey of life. I hope to continue to grow into the godly woman you want me to be. I know I'm afraid of the future and the loss of opportunities and the things I took for granted. But I enjoyed high school. Now I end with a song called "See you again." 

"It's been a long day without you, my friend.

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

We've come a long way from where we began.

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again.

When I see you again.

After I left the school, I was talking with my kouhais (people who are an year or more younger than me). I can remember one of my Physics friends driving past the school. She rolled down her window and shouted out, " I love you Deborah!", and I shouted back, "I love you (name)!" It really made me smile a lot, even though I was rushing back home to get my gown on for my graduation ceremony. The moment I got home, it took me 10 minutes to get all my preparations, and I was out the door in my mom's car. When I arrived at another high school where the ceremony was held, I waited for my friends who were already wearing their caps, gowns and cords. We chilled around and goofed around as we waited to be seated at the ceremony. It was a bit boring to sit in a chair in the hot sun for two hours, listening to inspirational speeches and the names of my classmates being called out. Good thing I had two great friends who kept poking my sides to keep me awake. (Can you sense my sarcasm here?) The best part of the ceremony was when I got to hug my teachers and see their joy for each and every one of us. After the ceremony, I took a lot of selfies with my friends and classmates and ate at Sweet Tomatoes with my family. It was a tiring day, and it did not hit me that I graduated high school. Hahahahaha. 

Now pictures while I still believe I'm going back to high school in the fall. Old habits die hard.

yeah, I wrote that on my friend's white board. Well he's a teacher, but I never had him as a teacher. Ehhhh....

Go class of 2016.

Okay, I should be resting my brain from remembering the past few months. Goodnight!

“This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.”-T.S. Eliot

On June 8, 2016, I graduated Mission San Jose high school.


Yet, I cannot shook off that fact.
  I cannot believe that I may not see the faces that I have seen for years within a few months.
  I cannot believe how the world can change so suddenly, only to reveal how vulnerable and fragile we are.  

         While I am processing the times when I spent with them during karaoke night and the Grad Nite Disneyland trip, I felt a sense that I was in a dream, a dream that has a chance of ending. With the news of Christina Grimmie's sudden death and the mass shooting in Orlando, the dream to continue living on earth has ended for many others. I cannot believe that while I was spending my time at Disneyland, such awful events has already happened. While I am having fun, someone is dying, and this sad truth is always happening.

Why?

Within our souls, we repeats the question over and over again, and it comes back unanswered in our head. In the end, we may never know. Even if we do know, the sad heartbreak still lingers in our hearts, and it cannot erase the pain away.  The regrets, the tears, the stifled cries, the moment when we fall apart comes crashing down--for now.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"-Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2, 4.

We know that eventually we would heal from the loss, but when? I guess it depends on whether or not you want to and if you are ready to accept what has happened. At least, we are never alone in this situation, and we should not be alone since we have a common end.
"Death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart" -Ecclesiastes 7:2. Looking back on the verse and history, we can no longer assume we will live long. We cannot predict our future or take our lives and the people (and animals) around us for granted. Even though we assume that we would live long enough to have jobs, raise a family, and be grandparents, we cannot imagine that can happen as a guarantee with the state of this world. The moments that we are enjoying together should be considered be as a blessing.

As an encouragement, I shall end this post from a favorite manga I enjoyed, Full Metal Alchemist.
"No matter how often we get beaten down, become discouraged, lose our way, come close to failing, and even if we know if's for superficial reasons, we keep fighting on, we find strength in each other."-Edward Elric.

Keep praying and show that you care to everyone.
Keep trusting in God even if the world fall apart.
And no matter what, don't lose sight of what and who is important to you.