Hello everyone!
For those who are wondering about how things are going in my life, I guess I reached a point where I'm questioning what is I want to do and how do I represent Christ. I am also questioning how complacent I am whenever people mock or ignore Christianity. I am scared about voicing these ideas out loud. I know I cannot do it in Berkeley, online, or with some friends of mine because the ideas I have are bound to be heavily debated and I know I'll be judged heavily for them. Most of the times I do not voice them because I feel I do not have the "right" or position to say them because I'm not perfect; I have flaws that contradicts what I say and do. A common word to describe that description is hypocritical, which is also an adjective that many people accuse Christians are. So...what should I do?
Well...these ideas came from a good talk. A good talk among an incredible teacher and his wife and an amazing friend with a strong faith in Christ. A talk that involves ideas that would bring us all heavy bashing onto us from others. A long talk in which we become vulnerable with each other and relate to each other.
Will you listen to our talk?
Before the talk
Rewind a few months ago up to the beginning of sophomore year: the year where I struggle with organic chemistry, biology, physics, calculus (yeah, get those prerequisites out!). I was not in a good walk of faith because I felt burned out by work and often did not talk out my problems with anyone other than my very close friend, who was not sure how to help me out. I learned that the hard way that keeping things to myself and let me figure out how to fix them ...is not the best way to get help (while I help others, which leaves me feeling even more burned out).
I am part of my Christian fellowship Intervarsity [IV] (not a sport team) which have weekly meetings and Bible studies together, but I did not join them as much. Some were because I didn't want to miss out dinner pm served at 7pm in my apartment ( I know, a really bad excuse), burnt out from school, afraid of the dark and to walk a mile in the dark for the weekly meetings, ...but most of all, I was not as connected to the people. I usually do not get along in large groups because it's easier for me to observe and not interject someone's dialogue. Also I feel like I make things really awkwardly by standing and looking at people or simply finishing what I was being asked and then attempt to follow up the conversation. For instance, at church I was picked to announce the congregation one unique thing about me and I said I'm flexible. To prove it, I did the splits and high kicks in front of my friends out of boredom and from almost falling down into a split pose accidentally. I did the splits in my IV friends' apartment when I visited them and they asked me if I was a dancer or a gymnast. I simply said no without an explanation that I did kung fu because no one asked me. :P
The reason why I want to point this out is because sometimes it's hard to connect with people and find ones you trust to share your ideas with. I admit I was unsure who I can trust or open up to in IV, which led to my absence. Meanwhile, I go to our church called Christian Layman Church [CLC] to help with the sound system and I feel a separation from my fellowship because I have a responsibility to fulfill that requires a lot of time. Even with these kinds of emotions, I still bundle them in and pretend to move on without really reflecting on them. Slowly I asked people in the fellowship to have one on one conversations or hang outs, and it was wonderful to meet up and share with each other our walks of faith. Gradually, I begin to push myself to reach out to them and be social! I cooked lunch, swing dance, chill in their apartments, read books and prayers, and simply spend more time with them. I mainly pushed in to be more social and connective in summer when without handling so much work, yet I am still in a complacent position. I still continue to harbor some deep shame in me and fear of sharing my shame and ideas in fear of being judged.
However in our final IV event, our graduating seniors share their testimonies. Some painful, some relatable, some humorous, but all personal. One of them share his shame which are similar to mines, and he said it feels so free to share his struggles to show that being a Christian is not being perfect all the time. Being a Christian means to be truthful and vulnerable, to allow Christ be the light and the one who helps overcome your struggles and be willing to endure the struggles, but to seek help as well. I learn that being a Christian means to be loving and accepting, not judgmental and complacent...which is what I'm working on. I still have a lot of hidden burdens on me...ones that I reveal a little at a time.
During the talk
Fast forward to halfway of summer break last year. I need a break from my apartment...badly. The similar disconnection I had felt at my fellowship was felt in my co-op apartment. Moreover, I want to be in a space that does not remind me of my stress at college, so I took a Bart trip back home. I was picked up by my high school teacher and greeted his wife and a previous student, who is my dear friend from our high school's Christian club. We visited a local buffet and talked about the problems we faced at school and work. My teacher and his wife talked about their extended families' problems such as how one of their nieces decided to be a man but is suffering depression after the gender change. My friend talked about how girls had stalked in his dormitory and even tried to make sexual advances towards him when he never implied any desires for a romantic relationship. I shared my fear of being verbally attacked at Berkeley if I were to voice my ideas, but I mainly listened because I was more surprised that such things had occurred rather than feeling comfortable sharing them. I could tell from the talks as we ate our dinner (and as I prodded my teacher to eat more vegetables) that there's a lot of hidden frustration that we bear. Another thing I shared was that I feel the school I attend is another bubble where only certain ideas and mentalities are allowed, often labeled as a "liberal" environment. Especially with the current political environment, the division and ostracizing has gotten worse to the point I feel most people even myself do not want to hear the other's arguments and reasons because we are willing to stand with our personal beliefs no matter what the costs may be. And...the struggle is real. It feels like most of the dialogue (especially online) is built on a dichotomy, A v.s. B, and so on. However, at the dinner table,we all got to learn from each other and know that it's important to have vulnerable conversations. I was also surprised that my teacher's wife felt restricted to talk about certain topics at work such as Christianity because I thought engineers worked a bit solo (but that assumption is really stemming from me being clueless). After our dinner, we went back home and I struggled with these ideas in my head for a while...and I bet I was not the only one who wrestled with these ideas as well.
After the talk
It's 2019.
I had pushed aside this post for 6 months, but the memory of the conversation would come back again when I wondered when was the last time I had an open talk, in which I felt comfortable enough to share. Ironically, reading back to this post first impressed me that I can write decently and that I have a lot of things on my mind, but I was scared to talk about it. During winter break, a friend from church drove me from home to our church. The 40 minutes talks in the car were precious because other than with my family and two close friends, I don't really get to talk regularly with someone. We learned about each other winter break plans, health issues, favorite songs, and hopes for 2019. On the last ride he gave me, he asked me how was my blog going, and I was surprised because I didn't really think people would remember that I have a blog. I mentioned about this post that I was working on last summer, but that I pushed back on it because I felt the ideas portrayed are controversial. He then shared with me about that is it is natural for us to categorize to make decision-making a bit easier, but that by doing so it can limit the true story behind the label. One example he gave was our school's debate over student senator Chow's statement, and how the way the school and communities handled it didn't allow a common ground for people to be on. Instead it escalated into an one v.s. other side, and he was sad that there was not an opportunity to understand each side well without resorting to ignore the other side had said. I also added that I felt the senator was used as a target for the community's grief that was brought upon them because her statement reminded them of the pain they bear. It also revealed a lot of divisions within the Christian community, and a part of me wanted to leave honestly because I got tired of not trusting anyone who may turn against me for agreeing with them. I felt secluded again and I want to go back home as well, which I did since the Camp Fire aggravated my asthma so badly.
Even now when I took a long break from the chaos, a part of me still feels I have clouded judgement or a view of internal struggles and emotions I faced. Luckily I got closer to my friends in my fellowship and church. Near the end of the semester, I attended a study and worship night and I was genuinely surprised but joyful that one of my friends asked if she could joined me for prayer when it was time to pick a prayer partner (well, mainly because I thought she would pray with her boyfriend), but it was incredibly rewarding to pray and confide with her...I felt needed. I also felt the same when I hung out with a freshman I met at the fellowship and at one of my classes. It was really nice to not feel awkward around someone and to be wanted (gee I sound like an insecure teenager....bc I am :P), but it was more that I trust people more and willing to spend a lot of time with them. I feel I'm learning more what it means to be more willing to be vulnerable and merciful than to be judgmental and self-conscious, which is always important in any kind of conversation.
I guess my point is that talks are important to have, but vulnerable talks are more impactful yet harder to come by because they need room for open understanding and respect. Moreover, they need the right people, right time, and right place. It's why I really enjoy 1, 2 hour blackouts because it's a special time to get together and set aside our distractions.
And if you are interested in what beliefs I do carry, here are a few I'm comfortable of sharing with.
I had pushed aside this post for 6 months, but the memory of the conversation would come back again when I wondered when was the last time I had an open talk, in which I felt comfortable enough to share. Ironically, reading back to this post first impressed me that I can write decently and that I have a lot of things on my mind, but I was scared to talk about it. During winter break, a friend from church drove me from home to our church. The 40 minutes talks in the car were precious because other than with my family and two close friends, I don't really get to talk regularly with someone. We learned about each other winter break plans, health issues, favorite songs, and hopes for 2019. On the last ride he gave me, he asked me how was my blog going, and I was surprised because I didn't really think people would remember that I have a blog. I mentioned about this post that I was working on last summer, but that I pushed back on it because I felt the ideas portrayed are controversial. He then shared with me about that is it is natural for us to categorize to make decision-making a bit easier, but that by doing so it can limit the true story behind the label. One example he gave was our school's debate over student senator Chow's statement, and how the way the school and communities handled it didn't allow a common ground for people to be on. Instead it escalated into an one v.s. other side, and he was sad that there was not an opportunity to understand each side well without resorting to ignore the other side had said. I also added that I felt the senator was used as a target for the community's grief that was brought upon them because her statement reminded them of the pain they bear. It also revealed a lot of divisions within the Christian community, and a part of me wanted to leave honestly because I got tired of not trusting anyone who may turn against me for agreeing with them. I felt secluded again and I want to go back home as well, which I did since the Camp Fire aggravated my asthma so badly.
Even now when I took a long break from the chaos, a part of me still feels I have clouded judgement or a view of internal struggles and emotions I faced. Luckily I got closer to my friends in my fellowship and church. Near the end of the semester, I attended a study and worship night and I was genuinely surprised but joyful that one of my friends asked if she could joined me for prayer when it was time to pick a prayer partner (well, mainly because I thought she would pray with her boyfriend), but it was incredibly rewarding to pray and confide with her...I felt needed. I also felt the same when I hung out with a freshman I met at the fellowship and at one of my classes. It was really nice to not feel awkward around someone and to be wanted (gee I sound like an insecure teenager....bc I am :P), but it was more that I trust people more and willing to spend a lot of time with them. I feel I'm learning more what it means to be more willing to be vulnerable and merciful than to be judgmental and self-conscious, which is always important in any kind of conversation.
I guess my point is that talks are important to have, but vulnerable talks are more impactful yet harder to come by because they need room for open understanding and respect. Moreover, they need the right people, right time, and right place. It's why I really enjoy 1, 2 hour blackouts because it's a special time to get together and set aside our distractions.
And if you are interested in what beliefs I do carry, here are a few I'm comfortable of sharing with.
My beliefs/morals:
- In a way, marriage is a covenant between the bride and the groom such as how Jesus is the groom and we are His brides when Jesus returns in His Second Coming.
- Money is important to have and use, but I feel when people would compete or cheat for money shown by my external family's inheritance (one of my aunts decided to not fulfill my late grandfather's wish to give his last inheritance money to my family who is still in a financial slump. I assumed she gave it to herself), it speaks how the money is used to fill up the gap in their hearts. I would always ask what is the point of all this wealth and material goods when you are dead.
- Education is an important key in doing well in life. It doesn't have to be academic-related or occupational related, because I feel education is simply learning and expanding one's mind and interests in a healthy manner (no late-nighters or caffeinated-jacked up studying sessions). It does not have to follow the traditional K-12, college, post-college, job route. I know some wonderful classmates who served the military, had children or got married, worked full time jobs, changed universities, struggled with family medical issues and still want to go to school despite these types of struggles. It is true that barrier to receive the education is not the same for everyone, but I feel education should be deeply advocated (and not suck students' and families' money in the process. Rip student loans).
