Written on 3/5/2019
Hello everyone!
Thank you for reading my blog post. It's really touching to hear that my friends would take the time to share their thoughts with me and relate to the similar struggles we experienced. I again am surprised of the impact I made onto people, and it's a nice reminder that we can support each other as Jesus has done for us. It also made me reflect on how my relationship with God is like again and be more aware of the changes and decisions I'm making with the people around me and with myself.
After reflecting some of my actions and reasoning, I bear a fear I have that if someone had hurt me before, I assume the person can hurt you again so I then avoid the person. After all, it's better to decrease the chances of someone taking advantage of you. Do not waste your time nor energy on someone who does not appreciate your care nor help. Well, this type of thinking stemmed from past bullying experiences and poor friendships from K-12 school and later branched out to people who seemed to be similar to those who had hurt me.
The problem with this idea is that even when we turned our backs on God, He continued to love us, care for us, and suffer for us even when we did not appreciate Him. So is it okay for me to continue bearing that fear?
Is it okay to be struggling with or is to be complacent with these ideas?
Written 6/4/2019
Hello everyone again!
It is bit awkward to write "Hello everyone" within the same post, but I did it anyway in a different tone.
I'm officially a rising senior, and I'm contemplating on what I should do post-grad and how much I grown since entering college. I know it's a little early to think about post grad in a sense that I have time, but I wrestled again with these ideas of what I wish to bear and to let go.
Recently I talked with my church friend who's interning in the Midwest this summer about my struggle about forgiving people and protecting oneself from exploitation. In the biblical context, we should forgive those who hurt us as many times as needed. An example can be shown in Matthew 18: 21-22 KJV "Then came Peter to Him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven." Even when we turned out back against Jesus, He still bears the price of our disobedience towards God onto Himself with His life. To be able to forgive and to even die for the people who betrayed Him is indeed unfathomable. In human nature, it's really difficult to do so, especially when revenge can sometimes be viewed as glorified or just act or when it's viewed as a way to avoid being hurt again.
Where does the line between forgiveness and self protection lie? Is revenge even worth it? What does us desiring revenge or bearing a grudge tells about us?
I juggled with these questions after avoiding people who made me felt endangered or were willing to slander me in pubic. Obviously personal safety comes first, but the guilt kicks in of leaving no explanation to the person who may be hurt and left wondering what they did wrong. Perhaps I'm a little naive, but I still feel the need to forgive and move on from the pain, instead of letting the pain manifest into revenge and grudges.
I know it's normal to avoid the people who hurt you. To bad mouth them and complain about them to your peers and family members. To ignore them and cut off all contact with them. To imagine that karma would take place to. But where does these actions and feelings then lead to (after getting into a safe environment of course)?
I think a main example of where these feelings and questions stem from trying to help a high school classmate, which ended up hurting me deeply. I try to repress the memories as a way to move forward, but my classmate's plead for forgiveness was left unanswered and ignored during my time of "healing." After a few years of not communicating with the person, I later sent an email saying I forgive the person and my reasons for not answering back after realizing it is time to move on and praying about it with my Christian mentor. The person later replied back asking if we could call each other, but my fear kicked in and I declined quickly to call through email. A part of me felt the person and I haven't changed in the way we briefly communicated to each other, and the idea of that we haven't changed as much scared me to the point I questioned if we both actually forgive each other for hurting each other. We didn't email each other since then. The memories still lingered to haunt me, but they're less prevalent since then and I view my old classmate in a more positive light than before after realizing that we'er both human and that we make mistakes.
Alas, I still need to learn about what is forgiveness.
Speeding up to last summer...the summer when I was under a lot pressure still haunts me to the point I would cry if I relive the bad memories.
It was when my cat Lenny passed away after a month of trying to save him from a car accident. It was when I took on two stressful jobs as managers in my apartment without much help from other people who are supposed to help carry my load in a "team effort." And since I was the only manager who spoke Chinese, I had to talk to most of the Chinese tenants who moved in and ensure they understood the apartment agreements despite the language and cultural barriers. I also got threaten four times by tenants over rooms conflicts, and I had to request the central apartment organization for help.
It was when my late grandfather passed away. I haven't seen him since my grandmother passed away a few years ago, and since then I have been pleading with my family to go see him. Because my family has no other external family to rely on and needed my help with Lenny, I came home every weekend to help out except that one weekend... The one weekend when I stayed at my apartment to help with work was the last weekend he was alive...and I still regret not visiting him.
It was when I saw how dark my mom's siblings become when they fought over the inheritance once it was up for grabs. Even when my family was financially struggling, my mom's sibling refused to give the full inheritance portion to my family, which was one of my late grandfather's last wishes.
On top of it, I was taking two summer classes too and these classes were my escape from the pressure. I really enjoyed learning about biology and music with my friends and professors. Despite the struggles I have, I seemed to come off energetic and happy mainly because I wanted to be at a place away from problems.
So, when I learned last month from a friend that someone in my apartment publicly slander me in front of everyone in the apartment as part of a confidential discussion about potential managers. The person said that I am not qualified to handle a maintenance manager because I cannot not do it well and that I handle cannot stress. The person later cussed further about me, and I later confirmed about this slander with another friend who was at the meeting.
I wanted to cry and hurt this person so badly, especially since the person did not help me in the summer even though the person was paid to. Moreover, another person whom I thought care about me agreed with the person in that I cannot handle stress well even though he knew my grandfather passed away and knows the pain of losing his own as well. A part of me wishes the person to eat one's words this summer and realize how hurtful they are, but I also need to acknowledge my emotions and actions as well were not on par due to unforeseen circumstances. Moreover, I also have slandered privately about another manager whom I repeatedly asked about her unfilled responsibilities that were later pushed onto me. Now, I act aloof towards the person and annoyed whenever the person tries to butt in conversations with other people in my apartment to only talk to the other person. You can tell my language is tinged with anger and biased, which is why I wonder why I haven't learned to not hold grudges and instead of reminding myself to forgive. But in the meantime, I moved out this summer and back home with my family.
Honestly I want to forget it, because I want to focus on my lab internship which involves me commuting 1 hr and half to my school's rival each way Monday to Fridays and leaving me tired. But forgetting it is not the same as forgiving, isn't? And I bet other people feel similar frustrations towards me, huh?
I continue to wrestle with these ideas. A part of me felt this kind of stress could have been avoided by asking for help. I don't as often ask for help out of fear or exploiting people or being a burden towards them. It also hurts to be rejected by people who aren't aware of the situation I'm in whenever I asked them for help while I try to understand and respect the declination.
But life is hard when we don't communicate and understand each other's situation?
Written 6/9/2019
I find it that it is very tempting to be wrapped up in negative thoughts. After reading of the testimonies of my fellowship's graduated seniors, I found how we seem to be okay on the outside but struggle in the inside. It makes me question how hard it is to be vulnerable especially in a large group of people or with people whom you are not familiar with. I guess after reading their testimonies I come to the realization that it's okay to struggle with these feelings and not have them answered immediately. Ultimately, it comes to trusting in Jesus to have Him to be our main source of faith and love. I usually assume life only gets harder...and so far it's true but I'm not alone in this journey.
It feels like I did a 180, didn't I? I guess I'm reminded of how I forgave another friend of mine for hurting my feelings for a while and seeing how he regretted doing so after a year. I was more focused on being friends with him and respecting his wishes that I was glad to forgive him after he expressed his regret to me, because I value the friendship with him more than being afraid of being hurt by him again. Granted, it is easier to forgive when you can see the regret from the other party. However, remembering that how important the relationship is to me and how we should be witnesses of Christ reminds me that forgiving is hard but joyful in the end.
