Getting back into natural history

Hello everyone! 

It has been a while since I last posted on my blog. A lot of crazy things has been happening since senior year started. I learned how to camp for the first time, joined my first team sport, and juggled work, clubs, classes, and personal life.

Long story short, I am feeling burned out, and I know I'm not the only one.

However, I feel I sing a different tune whenever I'm outside with my classmates in my field class which entails learning plants. At first I was daunted by the hiking and unfamiliarity of the plants my professor talked about, but I thought to myself I should learned about plants and their ecosystems before climate change continue to threaten their existence as well as ours. I also pondered on how the public education system I gone through K-12 has not trained teachers to emphasize our environment in terms of learning the different communities plants, animals, rocks (yes rocks because they are cool), and water systems create. I guess you could say I like to go outside a lot as a kid, but I admit I do that I often don't explore outside. 

But now, I want to be outside and I admit I would blab scientific names about a specific plant to my friends who think I am weird and a nerd. I think my classmates are also doing similar things as me because it is refreshing to identify the plant with its unique characteristics instead of grouping it as a simple cool green growing plant. 

It is also amazing to be in places in CA where you can see how it was like thousands years ago in terms of the remaining plants and geologic features left behind. I really wish more people are pushed to go explore and appreciate nature not just for personal relaxation or use but to understand the world we're in and the Native Californians who managed the land we travel on.  Often times, we don't talk about Native Californians and their cultures, and it's a tragedy to not acknowledge their presence and impact in their land. 

I hope that my little spiel can encourage you all to take a moment outside our busy lives of getting XYZ done and traveling from point A to point B to look and appreciate the nature and history around us. Hence, why it's called nature history in my own little words. 

Yes, these are my thoughts before a special day for me. Enjoy the unedited pictures. 

Taken at Big Sur

Taken at Observatory Hill, my favorite spot on campus

Taken at Van Damme State Park

Taken at Sequoia National Park
Admire the alpine field 

It's a Fun Summer

Hello everyone!

Summer break is almost over for the semester kids while the quarter students can kicked back another month before their fall term begins as well. I have to admit I am excited to go back to school and finish my senior year. I am currently eager to take some field study lab trips to some natural sites in CA and to learn about bones.

But it is weird to think about what I'm going to do post-grad and how I'm going to knock some things off my bucket list in senior year such as going to Taiwan in summer 2020, learning how to code, learn to camp, being more involved with my Christian fellowship and focusing more on my relationship with God. I want to lead prayer in my fellowship, and I am nervous since I feel I'm not up to par for the task, yet I feel it's an important aspect of the journey as a Christian.

I am also wondering how I will handle new housemates that are moving into my co-op and avoid less drama or tensions from cliques that can arise. An example is some people in my co-op called me anti-marijuana because I would plead people to not smoke indoors due to my asthma...and the request to breathe clean air (which is enforced by the Berkeley Fire Department) is disregarded because usually the group of people want to adhere to the co-op culture of smoking indoors. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to that at all, but can you do if you want to live in a subsidized student housing.

Moving forward, one thing I want to share with the entire Internet (since the info we plaster online is permanent and searchable) is that connections are valuable. The type of connections I'm referring to more is people and it's amazing how the people we know can lead to opportunities. There's a word for it: networking, but I feel networking is more focused on connecting with people to get mutual benefits without really getting to know the person well. It's as if networking has more a business-like agenda rather than forming a genuine friendship where people are not bounded by a contract. I guess I can demonstrate more by a few stories I have from this summer.

Eye Research

I am currently interning at the Wu lab in Stanford school of Medicine in the Ophthalmology department, and I got to meet such amazing people there. If you want to know what I'm doing, you can check out my team on this website and the project I'm working on.
http://med.stanford.edu/wu/Meet_The_Team.html#current_team

Here are the original pictures of the drawings I made earlier that cannot be seen clearly on the website.

If you want the nitty gritty stuff, I am collecting conjunctiva epithelial cells, limbal epithelial cell and cornea epithelial cells and culturing them to obtain inflammatory and ageing markers, which can be used to understand how diseases and ageing works. It's pretty amazing to learn cool techniques and work with a lot of reagents and materials. Examples include cyrosectioning mice eyes after freezing them with liquid nitrogen, immunostaining cells and imaging them on a microscope, witnessing a rabbit dissection (well it was pretty bloody since we removed its eyes), scraping off donor eyes (well that scared a nearby lab postdoc when he peeked at my work station), and a lot more. The lab has a different atmosphere than Berkeley's. It's more free in the sense that it feels safer, more academically supportive and more resourceful since we are stationed with other labs. Of course, I'm only a rookie taking things at face value, but I do like the trust given me by my lab to make sure I'm handling my experiments well. It can be unnerving the first time, but it's fun to take my time and understand the protocol. It's not fun when I mess up or become really confused, which happens often. However to have my project idea supported about incorporating a semester project into a clinical setting is exciting. I was surprised by how positive the feedback was from my lab when I first proposed the idea, which I won't quite say yet since it's still in the drawing board. Still, the research experience is pretty amazing. The commute to there is tiring though, but hey that's the Bay Area for you. 1-2 hour commute each way everyday is the way to go. :D

People usually asked me how I got in the lab, and I always start with the fact that it was mainly through connections. It is God's grace that I got in a lab, since I was praying about it after I was removed from a lab due to miscommunication with the PI and his postdoc. I was struggling to find a lab for a couple of months of cold calling professors at UCSF and UCB in my junior year, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. The story started with my friend in high school whom I met in 10th grade math class and 12th grade AP english class. He later went to UCB a semester ahead of me, since I am a spring admit. He later advertised his medical club, which I checked out since he was in the club and I was interested in going on medical trips. In the club, I met the president of the club and became friends with him even though we were 2 years apart. He later graduated last year and was a TA in a class called Global Eye Health at UCB. I went to the class's infosession and later applied. I soon got in the class of 12 students, and it was an eye-opening experience (pun well intended). We all taught by Dr. Scott Lee who invited his friend Albert Wu to lecture for us as a special guest. After 3 consecutive quick lectures within two hours, Dr. Wu announced he was looking for a student research assistant in his lab at Stanford. He gave out his business card to those who were interested, and I took one. The next day I emailed to him, had an Skype interview with him, and later joined his lab this summer. In the meantime, my mother was fervently praying I would get in a research lab and that I would not have fainting episodes (which is another story itself). While I traced back those connections, I'm thinking it's amazing how God places people in certain places and times that can lead to such opportunities, but a part of me is warning myself to not take God for granted when He blesses us or not consider Him as someone who we get benefits from.


I feel a way to handle this kind of urge to disregard God is to be humble myself before Him. For me, it's doing community service by serving and interacting with people, people who need help yet help is not given to them.

Eye Screening

My volunteer shirt

This summer I got to volunteer at my church's eye screening in Oakland, CA as a translator and a lensometer user. I helped measured glasses on the first day of volunteering, but my job quickly turned into translating Mandarin to English and a little Spanish to English. There are a lot of elders who speak Mandarin and Cantonese (I sadly do not speak Cantonese) whom I helped translate for and filled out their forms. I was relieved that I took the Eye course at UCB because I got to explain what the medical terms and what the machines were used for to the patients. AT first, it was daunting to practice my Mandarin without a warning and to called for help by a lot of people to help with forms, questions, and requests. As the clinic got fuller, I got more comfortable with the patients as I bowed my head a bit to pay respects to the elders and how they bowed back to me as a sign of gratitude. That gesture really touched me because it is an honor to receive that kind of thankfulness. It was as it we were like family.

I remember for this one patient, I helped her with her entire eye exam from filling out her patient form to getting her checked out of the clinic. I helped her followed the optometrist's instructions as she was measured with the auto-refraction machine, the retinal scan machine, and the eye chart. At the eye chart station, she did not know how to say the English letters, so she drew out the letters with her fingers. After she was examined for bifocals or 老人眼睛, she was happy to know that she can get new glasses in a month. When she smiled and thanked me, it was nice to help be her bridge and communicate with the optometrists and volunteers around her. After I helped her, I was then called again to help another patient with his eye exam whom I helped filled out his form earlier. During the eye exam, it seemed like he had not one in a while since he was not familiar how the eye exam operates such as reading out the charts and choosing which lens were clearer than the other when given that choice. A part of me felt that I took for granted that everyone in the Bay Area knows how eye exam works when that is obviously not the case.

I displayed out the books and stuffed animals as if we're at an elementary school book sale!

I also helped out giving out books, magazines and stuffed animals to patients of all ages. One of the patients Daniel and Abby (not their real names) even accepted a Snoopy doll, two National Geography 2018 magazines about medicine and the Scripture, and a traditional Chinese book. Daniel made a comment on how he was thinking of Snoopy before he came to the clinic. The fact I pointed out a Snoopy doll for him made an unassociated association, which is a phrase he coined to described an association that was not made before yet somehow are connected after an event. Later that day after Daniel and Abbey left, my pastor and some of the volunteer were amazed by Daniel's transformation. When he first came in, he was not close with his sister and was very hesitant about giving out his personal information on the patient forms. Later on in the clinic, he was talking with the volunteers who were wearing name tags, trying to learn everyone's names, and smiling more. I did not know that he was not close with his sister since they seemed to be happier and even nudging each other. Daniel later shared to me as I was showing him books that he felt genuinely cared for in the clinic. that he was not treated as a number or according to an agenda. He confided with me that at food pantries that people there did not treat him well, but at the eye screening, he felt loved. His sister even cried at his changed in demeanor. The moment he put on his new glasses and said, " I can see again" was incredible. The light in his eyes just burst with joy as if he's alive again. I couldn't help but be joyful for him as well and his sister.

Another cool story that my pastor shared with us. One of the patients that we met had perfect vision (which I would like to have). The person already know he can see, but he wanted to check out our eye screening to see what is the true motive of the event. When he waited patiently for his turn on the auto-refraction, he was glancing around and examining the people. After our lovely optometrist checked his eyes, he was given permission to check out the rest of the clinic. It turned that he was a local drug dealer according to one of the patients. My pastor was surprised to hear that but also happy that he came to check our the eye screening to invite his friends over who need glasses or eye examinations. I feel seeing how the screening affected the neighborhood changes the dynamics of the people, which is pretty amazing to witness.

Catching Up with Friends

Because I am home this summer, I am able to catch up with my old friends. It is truly a blessing to spend time with them and listen to how they have been. From nightly walks to playing boardgames, my weekends were pretty fun (and busy at times). Of course, there were hectic times with friends such as changing my mom's car battery and crushing my family's aluminum cans and plastic bottles to deliver to the recycling plant. There were also sad times when I decided to leave a friend group momentarily since I was fed up being ignored. There were also deep times of talking with them to the late of night and being vulnerable to one and another.

I almost forgot what it was like to feel like a kid and be comfortable with myself. I admit I probably surprised my friends when I'm more open or energetic around them compared to me being at school. Usually I'm like that when I'm in a small group of people. It's nice to be more honest and rebuild those connections I left behind. I hope to continue strengthening those connections in the school year :) but I am concerned I may have overpacked my semester as usual. We'll see but I am excited to go back to school for the new adventures in store.

Fallen Away & Returning --- Part 3

Written on 3/5/2019

Hello everyone!

Thank you for reading my blog post. It's really touching to hear that my friends would take the time to share their thoughts with me and relate to the similar struggles we experienced. I again am surprised of the impact I made onto people, and it's a nice reminder that we can support each other as Jesus has done for us. It also made me reflect on how my relationship with God is like again and be more aware of the changes and decisions I'm making with the people around me and with myself.

After reflecting some of my actions and reasoning, I bear a fear I have that if someone had hurt me before, I assume the person can hurt you again so I then avoid the person. After all, it's better to decrease the chances of someone taking advantage of you. Do not waste your time nor energy on someone who does not appreciate your care nor help. Well, this type of thinking stemmed from past bullying experiences and poor friendships from K-12 school and later branched out to people who seemed to be similar to those who had hurt me.

The problem with this idea is that even when we turned our backs on God, He continued to love us, care for us, and suffer for us even when we did not appreciate Him. So is it okay for me to continue bearing that fear?

Is it okay to be struggling with or is to be complacent with these ideas?

Written 6/4/2019

Hello everyone again!
It is bit awkward to write "Hello everyone" within the same post, but I did it anyway in a different tone.

I'm officially a rising senior, and I'm contemplating on what I should do post-grad and how much I grown since entering college. I know it's a little early to think about post grad in a sense that I have time, but I wrestled again with these ideas of what I wish to bear and to let go.

Recently I talked with my church friend who's interning in the Midwest this summer about my struggle about forgiving people and protecting oneself from exploitation. In the biblical context, we should forgive those who hurt us as many times as needed. An example can be shown in Matthew 18: 21-22 KJV "Then came Peter to Him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven." Even when we turned out back against Jesus, He still bears the price of our disobedience towards God onto Himself with His life. To be able to forgive and to even die for the people who betrayed Him is indeed unfathomable. In human nature, it's really difficult to do so, especially when revenge can sometimes be viewed as glorified or just act or when it's viewed as a way to avoid being hurt again.

Where does the line between forgiveness and self protection lie? Is revenge even worth it? What does us desiring revenge or bearing a grudge tells about us?

I juggled with these questions after avoiding people who made me felt endangered or were willing to slander me in pubic. Obviously personal safety comes first, but the guilt kicks in of leaving no explanation to the person who may be hurt and left wondering what they did wrong. Perhaps I'm a little naive, but I still feel the need to forgive and move on from the pain, instead of letting the pain manifest into revenge and grudges.

I know it's normal to avoid the people who hurt you. To bad mouth them and complain about them to your peers and family members. To ignore them and cut off all contact with them. To imagine that karma would take place to. But where does these actions and feelings then lead to (after getting into a safe environment of course)?

I think a main example of where these feelings and questions stem from trying to help a high school classmate, which ended up hurting me deeply. I try to repress the memories as a way to move forward, but my classmate's plead for forgiveness was left unanswered and ignored during my time of "healing." After a few years of not communicating with the person, I later sent an email saying I forgive the person and my reasons for not answering back after realizing it is time to move on and praying about it with my Christian mentor. The person later replied back asking if we could call each other, but my fear kicked in and I declined quickly to call through email. A part of me felt the person and I haven't changed in the way we briefly communicated to each other, and the idea of that we haven't changed as much scared me to the point I questioned if we both actually forgive each other for hurting each other. We didn't email each other since then. The memories still lingered to haunt me, but they're less prevalent since then and I view my old classmate in a more positive light than before after realizing that we'er both human and that we make mistakes.

Alas, I still need to learn about what is forgiveness.

Speeding up to last summer...the summer when I was under a lot pressure still haunts me to the point I would cry if I relive the bad memories.

It was when my cat Lenny passed away after a month of trying to save him from a car accident. It was when I took on two stressful jobs as managers in my apartment without much help from other people who are supposed to help carry my load in a "team effort." And since I was the only manager who spoke Chinese, I had to talk to most of the Chinese tenants who moved in and ensure they understood the apartment agreements despite the language and cultural barriers. I also got threaten four times by tenants over rooms conflicts, and I had to request the central apartment organization for help.
It was when my late grandfather passed away. I haven't seen him since my grandmother passed away a few years ago, and since then I have been pleading with my family to go see him.  Because my family has no other external family to rely on and needed my help with Lenny, I came home every weekend to help out except that one weekend... The one weekend when I stayed at my apartment to help with work was the last weekend he was alive...and I still regret not visiting him.
It was when I saw how dark my mom's siblings become when they fought over the inheritance once it was up for grabs. Even when my family was financially struggling, my mom's sibling refused to give the full inheritance portion to my family, which was one of my late grandfather's last wishes.
On top of it, I was taking two summer classes too and these classes were my escape from the pressure. I really enjoyed learning about biology and music with my friends and professors. Despite the struggles I have, I seemed to come off energetic and happy mainly because I wanted to be at a place away from problems.

So, when I learned last month from a friend that someone in my apartment publicly slander me in front of everyone in the apartment as part of a confidential discussion about potential managers. The person said that I am not qualified to handle a maintenance manager because I cannot not do it well and that I handle cannot stress. The person later cussed further about me, and I later confirmed about this slander with another friend who was at the meeting.

I wanted to cry and hurt this person so badly, especially since the person did not help me in the summer even though the person was paid to. Moreover, another person whom I thought care about me agreed with the person in that I cannot handle stress well even though he knew my grandfather passed away and knows the pain of losing his own as well. A part of me wishes the person to eat one's words this summer and realize how hurtful they are, but I also need to acknowledge my emotions and actions as well were not on par due to unforeseen circumstances. Moreover, I also have slandered privately about another manager whom I repeatedly asked about her unfilled responsibilities that were later pushed onto me. Now, I act aloof towards the person and annoyed whenever the person tries to butt in conversations with other people in my apartment to only talk to the other person. You can tell my language is tinged with anger and biased, which is why I wonder why I haven't learned to not hold grudges and instead of reminding myself to forgive. But in the meantime, I moved out this summer and back home with my family.

Honestly I want to forget it, because I want to focus on my lab internship which involves me commuting 1 hr and half to my school's rival each way Monday to Fridays and leaving me tired. But forgetting it is not the same as forgiving, isn't? And I bet other people feel similar frustrations towards me, huh?

I continue to wrestle with these ideas. A part of me felt this kind of stress could have been avoided by asking for help. I don't as often ask for help out of fear or exploiting people or being a burden towards them. It also hurts to be rejected by people who aren't aware of the situation I'm in whenever I asked them for help while I try to understand and respect the declination.

But life is hard when we don't communicate and understand each other's situation?

Written 6/9/2019

I find it that it is very tempting to be wrapped up in negative thoughts. After reading of the testimonies of my fellowship's graduated seniors, I found how we seem to be okay on the outside but struggle in the inside. It makes me question how hard it is to be vulnerable especially in a large group of people or with people whom you are not familiar with. I guess after reading their testimonies I come to the realization that it's okay to struggle with these feelings and not have them answered immediately. Ultimately, it comes to trusting in Jesus to have Him to be our main source of faith and love. I usually assume life only gets harder...and so far it's true but I'm not alone in this journey.

It feels like I did a 180, didn't I? I guess I'm reminded of how I forgave another friend of mine for hurting my feelings for a while and seeing how he regretted doing so after a year. I was more focused on being friends with him and respecting his wishes that I was glad to forgive him after he expressed his regret to me, because I value the friendship with him more than being afraid of being hurt by him again. Granted, it is easier to forgive when you can see the regret from the other party. However, remembering that how important the relationship is to me and how we should be witnesses of Christ reminds me that forgiving is hard but joyful in the end.

Congratulation Class of 2019!

Hello everyone!

I am a senior at this point since I completed my junior year at Berkeley, but I want to commemorate the class of 2019! I took some graduation pictures for a few of them at Cal, and it's really fun to take candid, professional, and funny poses of them.

Here are the people whom I took pictures of in chronological order from the past two semesters with a little note for each of them:
Martin Ng
Gisselle Godinez
Anh Phu
Wesley Wang and Kyra Gong
Ol' College of Chem Deca group (Berling Chen, Lucy Jiang, Wesley Wang, Kimberly Kang, Michael Xu and more)

Martin Ng

Taken on 12/1/2018

Thank you Martin for being an incredible and supportive friend. Even though I met you an year ago with Anh Phu, I appreciate your sincerity and thoughtfulness. From GMT to NST 121, it has been a blast with you, and I enjoy the ride we together so far. I look forward to another class with you this fall semester (and hopefully gyming bc I'm not fit). Congratulations on graduating! 

P.S. You're a very sweet guy, so don't lose faith in yourself. If you do, Anh and I would buy you boba for strength (but mostly Anh).

Gisselle Godinez

Taken on 1/18/2019
Thank you Gisselle for letting me take your casual grad pictures for you. It is amazing to meet you and talk about Christ while sipping on some boba later on the semester. I know you'll do amazingly well post-grad because we have God on our side. Congratulations on graduating!

Anh Phu

Taken on 3/16/2019

Anh Phu, that is a name I'll definitely remember along Martin Ng. Thank you so much for your kind gestures and sharing your achievements and struggles with me. I can't believe it's been almost an year since I first you and Martin Ng in GMT Peru, and I'm very blessed to have you two as my friends. Thank you for supporting me through MCB 102 study aids, advice in finding research, and for being there for me during tough and fun times.

P.S. Martin and I better be invited at your wedding ;)

Wesley Wang and Kyra Gong

Taken on 5/7/2019

Thank you Wes and Kyra for choosing me to take your couple pictures. It was an honor and a joy to see how much you both love each other. From the little kisses on the forehead to picking each other up (and into the compost bin), it was very heartwarming and encouraging to see as fellow high school sweethearts. Congratulations Wes for graduating and I look forward to graduating same year as you Kyra! ☺

Ol' College of Chem

Taken on 5/11/2019
Note that everyone in the group is in the pictures due to permission
Thank you guys for letting me take pictures of your lovely friend group and even buying me lunch at the Berkeley social club,  which i never knew it was a restaurant before.  I really love witnessing your love towards each other as we took pictures with the dean of college of chem, the Lucy Jiang pose,  a special PI, a running squirrel,  trash bins, and hanging off of Sather Gate, and more.  Congratulations on graduating from Cal! 

Fallen Away & Returning --- Part 2

Hello everyone!

For those who are wondering about how things are going in my life, I guess I reached a point where I'm questioning what is I want to do and how do I represent Christ. I am also questioning how complacent I am whenever people mock or ignore Christianity. I am scared about voicing these ideas out loud. I know I cannot do it in Berkeley, online, or with some friends of mine because the ideas I have are bound to be heavily debated and I know I'll be judged heavily for them. Most of the times I do not voice them because I feel I do not have the "right" or position to say them because I'm not perfect; I have flaws that contradicts what I say and do. A common word to describe that description is hypocritical, which is also an adjective that many people accuse Christians are. So...what should I do?

Well...these ideas came from a good talk. A good talk among an incredible teacher and his wife and an amazing friend with a strong faith in Christ. A talk that involves ideas that would bring us all heavy bashing onto us from others. A long talk in which we become vulnerable with each other and relate to each other.

Will you listen to our talk?

Before the talk

Rewind a few months ago up to the beginning of sophomore year: the year where I struggle with organic chemistry, biology, physics, calculus (yeah, get those prerequisites out!). I was not in a good walk of faith because I felt burned out by work and often did not talk out my problems with anyone other than my very close friend, who was not sure how to help me out. I learned that the hard way that keeping things to myself and let me figure out how to fix them ...is not the best way to get help (while I help others, which leaves me feeling even more burned out). 

I am part of my Christian fellowship Intervarsity [IV] (not a sport team) which have weekly meetings and Bible studies together, but I did not join them as much. Some were because I didn't want to miss out dinner pm served at 7pm in my apartment ( I know, a really bad excuse), burnt out from school, afraid of the dark and to walk a mile in the dark for the weekly meetings, ...but most of all, I was not as connected to the people. I usually do not get along in large groups because it's easier for me to observe and not interject someone's dialogue. Also I feel like I make things really awkwardly by standing and looking at people or simply finishing what I was being asked and then attempt to follow up the conversation. For instance, at church I was picked to announce the congregation one unique thing about me and I said I'm flexible. To prove it, I did the splits and high kicks in front of my friends out of boredom and from almost falling down into a split pose accidentally. I did the splits in my IV friends' apartment when I visited them and they asked me if I was a dancer or a gymnast. I simply said no without an explanation that I did kung fu because no one asked me. :P 

The reason why I want to point this out is because sometimes it's hard to connect with people and find ones you trust to share your ideas with. I admit I was unsure who I can trust or open up to in IV, which led to my absence. Meanwhile, I go to our church called Christian Layman Church [CLC] to help with the sound system and I feel a separation from my fellowship because I have a responsibility to fulfill that requires a lot of time. Even with these kinds of emotions, I still bundle them in and pretend to move on without really reflecting on them. Slowly I asked people in the fellowship to have one on one conversations or hang outs, and it was wonderful to meet up and share with each other our walks of faith. Gradually, I begin to push myself to reach out to them and be social! I cooked lunch, swing dance, chill in their apartments, read books and prayers, and simply spend more time with them. I mainly pushed in to be more social and connective in summer when without handling so much work, yet I am still in a complacent position. I still continue to harbor some deep shame in me and fear of sharing my shame and ideas in fear of being judged. 

However in our final IV event, our graduating seniors share their testimonies. Some painful, some relatable, some humorous, but all personal. One of them share his shame which are similar to mines, and he said it feels so free to share his struggles to show that being a Christian is not being perfect all the time. Being a Christian means to be truthful  and vulnerable, to allow Christ be the light and the one who helps overcome your struggles and be willing to endure the struggles, but to seek help as well. I learn that being a Christian means to be loving and accepting, not judgmental and complacent...which is what I'm working on. I still have a lot of hidden burdens on me...ones that I reveal a little at a time.

During the talk

Fast forward to halfway of summer break last year. I need a break from my apartment...badly. The similar disconnection I had felt at my fellowship was felt in my co-op apartment. Moreover, I want to be in a space that does not remind me of my stress at college, so I took a Bart trip back home. I was picked up by my high school teacher and greeted his wife and a previous student, who is my dear friend from our high school's Christian club. We visited a local buffet and talked about the problems we faced at school and work. My teacher and his wife talked about their extended families' problems such as how one of their nieces decided to be a man but is suffering depression after the gender change. My friend talked about how girls had stalked in his dormitory and even tried to make sexual advances towards him when he never implied any desires for a romantic relationship. I shared my fear of being verbally attacked at Berkeley if I were to voice my ideas, but I mainly listened because I was more surprised that such things had occurred rather than feeling comfortable sharing them. I could tell from the talks as we ate our dinner (and as I prodded my teacher to eat more vegetables) that there's a lot of hidden frustration that we bear. Another thing I shared was that I feel the school I attend is another bubble where only certain ideas and mentalities are allowed, often labeled as a "liberal" environment. Especially with the current political environment, the division and ostracizing has gotten worse to the point I feel most people even myself do not want to hear the other's arguments and reasons because we are willing to stand with our personal beliefs no matter what the costs may be. And...the struggle is real. It feels like most of the dialogue (especially online) is built on a dichotomy, A v.s. B, and so on. However, at the dinner table,we all got to learn from each other and know that it's important to have vulnerable conversations. I was also surprised that my teacher's wife felt restricted to talk about certain topics at work such as Christianity because I thought engineers worked a bit solo (but that assumption is really stemming from me being clueless). After our dinner, we went back home and I struggled with these ideas in my head for a while...and I bet I was not the only one who wrestled with these ideas as well.

After the talk

It's 2019.

I had pushed aside this post for 6 months, but the memory of the conversation would come back again when I wondered when was the last time I had an open talk, in which I felt comfortable enough to share. Ironically, reading back to this post first impressed me that I can write decently and that I have a lot of things on my mind, but I was scared to talk about it. During winter break, a friend from church drove me from home to our church. The 40 minutes talks in the car were precious because other than with my family and two close friends, I don't really get to talk regularly with someone. We learned about each other winter break plans, health issues, favorite songs, and hopes for 2019. On the last ride he gave me, he asked me how was my blog going, and I was surprised because I didn't really think people would remember that I have a blog. I mentioned about this post that I was working on last summer, but that I pushed back on it because I felt the ideas portrayed are controversial. He then shared with me about that is it is natural for us to categorize to make decision-making a bit easier, but that by doing so it can limit the true story behind the label. One example he gave was our school's debate over student senator Chow's statement, and how the way the school and communities handled it didn't allow a common ground for people to be on. Instead it escalated into an one v.s. other side, and he was sad that there was not an opportunity to understand each side well without resorting to ignore the other side had said. I also added that I felt the senator was used as a target for the community's grief that was brought upon them because her statement reminded them of the pain they bear. It also revealed a lot of divisions within the Christian community, and a part of me wanted to leave honestly because I got tired of not trusting anyone who may turn against me for agreeing with them. I felt secluded again and I want to go back home as well, which I did since the Camp Fire aggravated my asthma so badly.

Even now when I took a long break from the chaos, a part of me still feels I have clouded judgement or a view of internal struggles and emotions I faced. Luckily I got closer to my friends in my fellowship and church. Near the end of the semester, I attended a study and worship night and I was genuinely surprised but joyful that one of my friends asked if she could joined me for prayer when it was time to pick a prayer partner (well, mainly because I thought she would pray with her boyfriend), but it was incredibly rewarding to pray and confide with her...I felt needed. I also felt the same when I hung out with a freshman I met at the fellowship and at one of my classes. It was really nice to not feel awkward around someone and to be wanted (gee I sound like an insecure teenager....bc I am :P), but it was more that I trust people more and willing to spend a lot of time with them. I feel I'm learning more what it means to be more willing to be vulnerable and merciful than to be judgmental and self-conscious, which is always important in any kind of conversation.

I guess my point is that talks are important to have, but vulnerable talks are more impactful yet harder to come by because they need room for open understanding and respect. Moreover, they need the right people, right time, and right place. It's why I really enjoy 1, 2 hour blackouts because it's a special time to get together and set aside our distractions.

And if you are interested in what beliefs I do carry, here are a few I'm comfortable of sharing with.

My beliefs/morals:

• In a way, marriage is a covenant between the bride and the groom such as how Jesus is the groom and we are His brides when Jesus returns in His Second Coming.
• Money is important to have and use, but I feel when people would compete or cheat for money shown by my external family's inheritance (one of my aunts decided to not fulfill my late grandfather's wish to give his last inheritance money to my family who is still in a financial slump. I assumed she gave it to herself), it speaks how the money is used to fill up the gap in their hearts. I would always ask what is the point of all this wealth and material goods when you are dead.
• Education is an important key in doing well in life. It doesn't have to be academic-related or occupational related, because I feel education is simply learning and expanding one's mind and interests in a healthy manner (no late-nighters or caffeinated-jacked up studying sessions). It does not have to follow the traditional K-12, college, post-college, job route. I know some wonderful classmates who served the military, had children or got married, worked full time jobs, changed universities, struggled with family medical issues and still want to go to school despite these types of struggles. It is true that barrier to receive the education is not the same for everyone, but I feel education should be deeply advocated (and not suck students' and families' money in the process. Rip student loans).