"Deborah, you're so innocent."
....
What in the world does the word innocent means?
Innocent:
n.
1.A person, especially a child, who is free of guilt and sin [uh, we have sin except Jesus so not it]
2.A simple, unsophisticated, guileless, inexperienced person [ gee, that sounds a bit like me]
3. A very young child [Well, I'm legally an adult, so no]
4.A person with little experience in the world, especially in sexual, evil and unpleasant manners [ok Urban dictionary definition, Lo entiendo]
........
Yep, back to square one.
But by all means, this comment has popped up several times, mainly from my times at high school rather than my one semester at UC Berkeley. (Irony) Honestly, I felt that no one can be called innocent because to be innocent means to have no sin, which only fits one person: Jesus Christ. Of course, I knew that was not the comment most people were referring to. I thought the comment stemmed off my dislike for not cursing, talking about sexual jokes and refraining from pleasurable activities that made me uncomfortable in a moral and health conscious standpoint. At first, I felt the comment "You're so innocent" was proof that there was a barrier between the people I meet and know, so I thought about tearing it down. That went down a path I regret taking, mainly because I realize that the people labeling me as innocent were the ones that I should not impress because they did not care about me. I should not impress anyone nor change for anyone who deems me worthy based on what I do.
Reasons why I choose to not curse is because the words I say reflect my heart. I do say negative things, but I don't want to go down a deep path of self pity and bitterness that drives the ones who do care about me away. I admit I do curse from time to time, but I feel it's because I get easily influence by my environment. Sigh, the UCB Meme page is not the way to go.
As for the sexual jokes or weed jokes, there's more to life than making remarks on being high or having a hookup. I did not know about the terminology surrounding the hookup culture until I realize the people around me were part of it. "I just want to eat you, "He's so hot," I want to swing from her chest."-Just stop. Please just stop because this kind of comments are feeding back into treating people as objects for appetite. Besides, no one always knows that there be a person hurt by sexual assault.
"They're trying to see if they can break your innocence."a friend told me
Sigh, I feel I want to break away from this world into one where everyone is valued. Longing for heaven.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Not a College Freshie anymore
I have not written in a while in my blog. Most of the times I would scribble something down of some time relevant news, but after the election, new year eve and spring break is over....some of the things I scribble down becomes a bit off in terms of the current news.
I already finished my last day of instruction last Friday. A few hours before was the famous SIR deadline (and the day I submitted my appeal essay to UC Berkeley as did a few of my friends). I passed a few important dates to me last year that were mostly painful, since senior year of high school was painful in some ways. One of them was April 17, the day I really wanted to not exist anymore and every time I think about why I did not want to exist, what drove me to that level of desperation, I often find myself with conflicting answers ultimately agreeing that I am glad I am here today instead of having everything stop. I do not have those thoughts anymore at Berkeley. The stress levels here is much better than I what I faced back at high school, mainly because my schedule is light compared to most students. I also love the freedom and independence here: I can do whatever I want without supervision like hang out with friends at a boba place without worrying about making in time for curfew or hanging out with church friends up to midnight. It does not mean I'm partying (I have no party skills whatever) or acting careless on the streets. It means I'm becoming more independent. Oddly, the thought of why I don't want to exist pops up from time to time. Maybe I am afraid circumstances would drive me to the same brink again and I want a solid reason on why I need to continue.
Coming here at Berkeley, I already established unbreakable reasons. There is so much beauty in life that I want to experience and cherish. I don't want to miss something wonderful when there is a chance I can overcome a situation. I don't want to see my friends and family in pain, and if they are in pain, I want to be there to help them out. Life is not always predictable. It does have heartbreaks, family conflicts, uncertain futures, but there is more to life than pain. I would ask God why did this happen, and sometimes I would get answers overtime, though I admit the answers I have may not be completed. Maybe I experience that pain to help someone else get through theirs or convince them to avoid making a decision that would hurt them even more. Maybe I experience that pain as a build of character for the harsher times. Maybe the pain is unavoidable because we live in a broken world of sin, and Jesus went through the most pain experience in the world by bearing all our sin on Him so that we could have a life without pain after we pass away in this world. Suffering is an experience everyone goes through, which makes it an universal emotion. The voice, "No understands me" could be a lie, especially when there are 7,8? billion people on earth who has a good chance they may have experience a similar situation you have-maybe exactly?
The main reason I want to write this out is because I am worried there people who had the same desire of thinking death as an escape, when it should be, Death be not proud. That is a poem by John Donnoe.
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery,
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
Was it coincidental for a high school senior like me to be randomly picked for this poem to analyze? AP LIT! (Literature, not smoking. I cannot handle smoke at all with my asthma)
Ah, mission. Good and bad times. I actually signed up to speak at a mental health panel at my high school on May 16, and I honestly worried I potentially go on a rant or some random side topic about funny high school memories. Even though it seems most people do well in terms of academics at mission, I find people at Berkeley giving me a reaction implying "You been through a lot of competition" whenever I mentioned my hometown name, which then implies Mission. Yep, the work load and the obsession of grades and difficult classes are the trademarks of mission mentality. I recently caught up with a high school friend of mine who asked me, "Do you often hang out with Mission people around here?" I replied, "At first, I want to for a sense of familiarity on the campus, but recently I'm more focused on making more friends. It's still nice to see them and catch up with them like you." When I pondered more on his question, I felt there was a subliminal question asking me, "Are you moving forward from high school?"
I want to say yes. Initially, I want the sense of familiarity and predictability high school has for comfort, but now I want the adventure and pleasant surprises college has. I guess I want to post up pictures showing how much fun I have that I thought I never got to experience before.
January
(I did not post this earlier...so....read it in terms of it's January)
The year of 2017, what lies in store for us, as a community, as a state, and as a nation?
For the nation, we have the inauguration coming up, and I hope a lot of people would be watching and intervening the things coming ahead in the next four years (what a way to spend my undergrad).
Even though the election's result revealed how polarized America is, some comforting words my history teacher offered would be that acknowledge the differences but move past them by channeling your emotions and ideas in a more meaningful way by volunteering and/or leading a community group or organization that overall benefits people who need aid. Another way is to tell your representatives in Congress, State Congress, city council, school council, parents, anyone your concerns on any situation that may negatively affect your community or offer suggestions. I emailed my City Council about the highway traffic on I-680 affecting the city, which is a top priority of my city and they told me about the metering lights they are planning to use in mid-December. Usually this information is hard to tell to the public when there are thousands of residents with their own businesses to do.
this post is not here to just tell you about how to get involve politically.
Lately, 2016 has been getting the bad reputation that it's a pretty bad year. I won't list the events why ( or else we be here crying/ debating whether or not it was bad).
But there is always there the positive side, even if it's hard to find.
I guess I share a few before 2017 starts in a few hours, including New Years resolution that famously rarely comes true.
Good things:
Closer friendships with people who I care about and cares about me. I learned what is consent, trust, and honesty in a painful way, but I am happy to be where I am now with family and friends.
Biking, walking more~experiencing more of my hometown and interests (especially anime and music)
...yeah, I don't really know what my resolutions were besides the generic kinds.
February
March
April
Overall, I want to keep on living because we never know what joy will come along.
I already finished my last day of instruction last Friday. A few hours before was the famous SIR deadline (and the day I submitted my appeal essay to UC Berkeley as did a few of my friends). I passed a few important dates to me last year that were mostly painful, since senior year of high school was painful in some ways. One of them was April 17, the day I really wanted to not exist anymore and every time I think about why I did not want to exist, what drove me to that level of desperation, I often find myself with conflicting answers ultimately agreeing that I am glad I am here today instead of having everything stop. I do not have those thoughts anymore at Berkeley. The stress levels here is much better than I what I faced back at high school, mainly because my schedule is light compared to most students. I also love the freedom and independence here: I can do whatever I want without supervision like hang out with friends at a boba place without worrying about making in time for curfew or hanging out with church friends up to midnight. It does not mean I'm partying (I have no party skills whatever) or acting careless on the streets. It means I'm becoming more independent. Oddly, the thought of why I don't want to exist pops up from time to time. Maybe I am afraid circumstances would drive me to the same brink again and I want a solid reason on why I need to continue.
Coming here at Berkeley, I already established unbreakable reasons. There is so much beauty in life that I want to experience and cherish. I don't want to miss something wonderful when there is a chance I can overcome a situation. I don't want to see my friends and family in pain, and if they are in pain, I want to be there to help them out. Life is not always predictable. It does have heartbreaks, family conflicts, uncertain futures, but there is more to life than pain. I would ask God why did this happen, and sometimes I would get answers overtime, though I admit the answers I have may not be completed. Maybe I experience that pain to help someone else get through theirs or convince them to avoid making a decision that would hurt them even more. Maybe I experience that pain as a build of character for the harsher times. Maybe the pain is unavoidable because we live in a broken world of sin, and Jesus went through the most pain experience in the world by bearing all our sin on Him so that we could have a life without pain after we pass away in this world. Suffering is an experience everyone goes through, which makes it an universal emotion. The voice, "No understands me" could be a lie, especially when there are 7,8? billion people on earth who has a good chance they may have experience a similar situation you have-maybe exactly?
The main reason I want to write this out is because I am worried there people who had the same desire of thinking death as an escape, when it should be, Death be not proud. That is a poem by John Donnoe.
Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery,
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.
Was it coincidental for a high school senior like me to be randomly picked for this poem to analyze? AP LIT! (Literature, not smoking. I cannot handle smoke at all with my asthma)
I want to say yes. Initially, I want the sense of familiarity and predictability high school has for comfort, but now I want the adventure and pleasant surprises college has. I guess I want to post up pictures showing how much fun I have that I thought I never got to experience before.
January
(I did not post this earlier...so....read it in terms of it's January)
The year of 2017, what lies in store for us, as a community, as a state, and as a nation?
For the nation, we have the inauguration coming up, and I hope a lot of people would be watching and intervening the things coming ahead in the next four years (what a way to spend my undergrad).
Even though the election's result revealed how polarized America is, some comforting words my history teacher offered would be that acknowledge the differences but move past them by channeling your emotions and ideas in a more meaningful way by volunteering and/or leading a community group or organization that overall benefits people who need aid. Another way is to tell your representatives in Congress, State Congress, city council, school council, parents, anyone your concerns on any situation that may negatively affect your community or offer suggestions. I emailed my City Council about the highway traffic on I-680 affecting the city, which is a top priority of my city and they told me about the metering lights they are planning to use in mid-December. Usually this information is hard to tell to the public when there are thousands of residents with their own businesses to do.
this post is not here to just tell you about how to get involve politically.
Lately, 2016 has been getting the bad reputation that it's a pretty bad year. I won't list the events why ( or else we be here crying/ debating whether or not it was bad).
But there is always there the positive side, even if it's hard to find.
I guess I share a few before 2017 starts in a few hours, including New Years resolution that famously rarely comes true.
Good things:
Closer friendships with people who I care about and cares about me. I learned what is consent, trust, and honesty in a painful way, but I am happy to be where I am now with family and friends.
Biking, walking more~experiencing more of my hometown and interests (especially anime and music)
...yeah, I don't really know what my resolutions were besides the generic kinds.
 |
| Yep, my first protest that I accidentally walked into because I was following a friend of my roommates. I still do not support that figurehead in the current administration. Environment rules! |
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| I am tiny. Taken by Y and her hair..Good friends |
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| Gracie and her son Jeremy who went missing at March 17, 2017 Friday. This is the last picture I took him......I'm still praying he comes back home. |
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| Out night strolling in a mall |
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| "Be Kind to Yourself" :D good thing to hear after my calculus midterm. |
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| Christina my baby cat (named after Christina Grimmie, who passed away on June 10,2016) |
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| Fogged up the lens when I took this picture at a research camp during my first retreat |
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| Snow, trees, amazing solo walk with God in the snow |
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| Beach on the Bay with Klesis, one of my fellowship groups Yes, I was splashed by the sea....it so cold and powerful |
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| Campfire! So fun and so beautiful like the milkway stars. |
w |
| Met Wesley Chan and Chris from Wong Fu Productions. So worth the trip! |
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| South African (around Cape Town) collection at UC Botanical garden.Planning to work there in the summer if I can get a job. |
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| I look so goofy.......but God and Science! |
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| Friends on my first Cal Day |
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| Goldman Environmental Prize Ceremony. Such amazing people! |
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| Fancy food in the SF City hall |
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| Lights are everywhere |
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| Go Bears! (and Golden State Warriors!) |
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| Diffraction of the headlights |
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| Babies |
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| Oak sapling |
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| Fragrant roses |
Overall, I want to keep on living because we never know what joy will come along.
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