August 28, 2020 Friday 10:16pm
Hello everyone!
I hope you are all doing well in this crazy time that we are living in. I finally updated the font type to Proxima Nova to give this blog post a new fresh look. I admit I am likely not going to post anytime soon this year other than near the end of the year. I have been busy, and I know Facebook is a quick way to showcase updates of everyone's lives, but I feel more comfortable sharing about my thoughts on my blog even though I'm not sure how my information will be used later on. Granted, that is the the same for Facebook and other social media platforms.
Anyway, I will write up an update on my life so far from my last blog post and what I have learned so far during this transition. As a heads up, this blog post is a long bumpy train of thought.
June 2020
My last semester at UC Berkeley was fun. Even though I initially did not plan to take summer classes at UC Berkeley again since Taiwan Study Abroad is my main goal, I enjoyed the 5 online courses that I took, which is around 9 semester units. Before you start to think I'm crazy, I know a friend who took over 30 units this semester, so I'm relatively less crazy than him...or at least I think I am. Anyway, I took Environmental Health Science for my major, Epidemiology (my first and only grad class), Beginner Piano, Intro to CRISPR, and SPUR Independent Research. If you're familiar with UCB's summer schedule, I had a class each Session from A to E. In other words, my classes' start dates were two weeks apart. Only Session A classes end before Session D classes start in July. Granted, I only needed to take one class to graduate, but I want to take fun courses at UCB especially piano because I want to make the most of my last semester and knock off my buckle list classes. I am luckily to have my two gifted friends to teach me the techniques and skills involved in playing piano. I started reading sheet music and practicing my favorite piano piece, Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence by Ryuichi Sakamoto. Even though the piece is pretty advanced for me, I'm determined to at least memorize the piece through practice! I have watched many videos from a YouTube channel called TwoSetViolin created by two violinists who encouraged people to practice and make funny, informative videos about music. They really helped appreciate classical music and encouraged me to not give up practicing piano and guitar, which at times serve as my way to de-stress.
Stress...man, I haven't handled it well when I moved back home to be honest. I felt exhausted from cleaning my parents' storage room from March to May to ensure I have a place to study effectively when school switched from in-person to online instruction. The prolonged cleaning left me with intense wrist pain that lasted a couple of weeks. Moreover, I started looking to use my dental and vision insurance coverage before they end in July 31 as well switching over to a new medical insurance. Meanwhile, I looked into buying a car for my potential job in UCSF, but I never knew used hybrid cars are expensive! Overall, it was a long process of figuring things out that I took for granted as a college student.
Sigh...It was hard to adjust my routine with my family's routine, especially with the financial stress that my family is facing. I love my family, but I longed for the freedom I had in living away from them during my time in college. Even though I have friends who tell me that I'm an adult, I learned that I need to respect my parents more because they are my parents. It reminded me of one of God's Ten Commandments: Honor your father and your mother. After all, they're not going to always be around me later on in life. I also learned after talking about my family situation to older women in my church that my parents are also adjusting to having me move back home. It's hard for them to not see me as a child and to recognize I am an adult, even though I want to be seen an adult. In other words, my family and I were entering this transition of me moving from college to post grad, from me being a dorky college student to a college graduate seeking full time work.
Transition.....those are the wonky time periods that I struggle a lot with. I felt like I could not take a break and that I had to know all of the answers immediately to make the "right" decision or else I screw up my life. I am grateful that my Christian fellowship Intervarsity gave us graduating seniors a parting book called After College: Navigating Transitions, Relationships and Faith by Erica Young Reitz. The book was a quick read for me, but it really asked me to question my assumptions about my post-grad life. I always thought that transitioning life from college to college graduate was going to be smooth, because I had a set plan to graduate normally, study abroad in Taiwan, work/volunteer at the Wu lab in Stanford, take the MCAT and apply for medical/podiatry school. However, plans change. I admit I was very disappointed that my transition as well my friends' transitions were very bumpy, especially when my friends could not find jobs. When I hear about their potential backup plans, I never thought about how difficult it is to apply for jobs because I assumed that we would graduate in a good economy, not during this lock-down stagnant economy. Even so, reading the book reminded me that God is still sovereign. I feel I keep repeating the phrase "God is still sovereign" to help me calm down as I juggle the possibility of pursuing Masters of Public Health, missionary trips, moving to a job site, commuting, da da la da. I just wonder how long will I continue struggling during this transition period.
July 2020
There were some great moments this month.
I got to connect with my professor from Environmental Health Science and made new friends. I graduated by completing my last major requirement class! I started working on my independent research project with ArcGISPro. I practiced driving on the highway after a 4 year hiatus. I got connected to my church's women bible study and young adult home group. I got ClearConnect aligners to correct my teeth alignment from my incredibly sweet dentist. I got my family a compost bin using the gift money I got from participating in the Safe Campus study with UCB and received a negative COVID testing. I got the Gilman Scholarship! As for my family and friends, we started getting closer again during shelter in place. We started watching Lord of the Rings series so that I can be caught up on the references and not give up reading the book series.
There were also some not so great moments.
I lost my medical scribe job offer and forfeited my UCSF job, so I had no backup of what to do after I finished my classes. I got terrified of driving on the highway when I didn't make three smooth lane changes, but no one got hurt. I relived the loss of not being able to go to Taiwan when I received the Gilman Scholarship. I got into an argument about paying for the aligners that it became my main financial responsibility, even though $3.2k was a lot for me to pay. I felt so lost. . . and just cried in what I should do because I realized I'm not sure what I want anymore. I talked to my friends, advisors, and counselors on what I should do and most of the times I was looking for someone to tell me what to do who is not myself. So many "I" statements are being used here, because I felt I didn't know who I am during this period of confusion. I make one plan; it changes the next plan so I make another plan...and it changes the next day. There were many nights of me looking up virtual study programs to use the Gilman Scholarship while I filled out job applications and programs such as the AmeriCorp, prepared for job interviews, studied for my summer classes, and wondered what God wants me to do. I then realized that God is still sovereign despite of my confusion and that there is only so much I can control in my life...and it's best for me to release that control over to God because He knows what is best for me.
Overall, it was a hectic month. I often kept up with my 4 high school friends and meet up in person (gasp, I know but I got later tested negative for COVID in early Aug so don't worry). It was relaxing to watch Lord of the Rings and having boardgames nights with them. I do admit there were times I would hang out with them to escape my home and to distract myself from my rambling, tumbling thoughts that seeped my energy and sleep away for a couple of nights. Near the end of July, I was more settled down and returned to my chill self after I decided to pursue a virtual internship with the backing of the Gilman Scholarship in my hometown.
But of course, plans can change the next day.
August 2020
Finals. My last finals at Berkeley.
I was so excited to finish studying and taking my finals. I passed my piano final with flying colors, especially when I memorized the pieces and yet mess up twice during my performance due to my nervousness. I also was excited to finish my research project, which involved me analyzing residential pools belonging to owners who violated EBMUD's excessive water policy during the CA drought season in 2015-2016. I bumped into so many technical difficulties when I tried to deep learning marked pool images on ArcGISPro that the technical support reported an official defect to the developers and forwarded my notes to them. The CRISPR course was also fun to sit in and listen to the different applications of CRISPR ranging from ethics, plants, regulations, etc. And last of all, my graduate epidemiology course in which I got to connect with the graduate student instructors and classmates. The funny thing is that when I took the final, it was when the heatwave was starting to build up, so I took my exam online in a hot room for 4 hours. Right after I finished my exam on August 13, I just went to my friends' house and chill there. It was relieving to be free of school for once and I believed I can sleep in, at least for a week before I started go back into job searching.
Nah. What is rest these days?
Remember what I said before?
PLANS CAN CHANGE THE NEXT DAY!
August 14, 2020 10:39am I woke up to a phone call, wondering if it's a job offer. It was my professor from my eye decal that I took Spring 2019. I was surprised that he had my number and remembered I applied for a position in his medical fellowship at his clinic in March. He informed me that there is an open spot in the fellowship and that he wanted me to join after getting approval from everyone in his clinic and fellowship. I was in stupor because I thought it was already pretty late to be accepted. I originally was on the waitlist in April and assumed the fellows were already decided by then. I already dismissed the possibility of me joining the fellowship because I thought I was not qualified and I was unwilling to move near Pinole. But at the moment, it felt everything slowed down while I was talking with my professor. I moved up from my bed to my desk to grab any available notepad and pencil and slowly walked to the hallway in disbelief, because earlier I was offered and rejected a job offer within a week from another medical clinic. I didn't want to get my hopes up and be crushed again. He then told me that he really wanted me to join the medical fellowship and is sad to hear I was waitlisted. He added on that he really want to help me to get into medical school and help me with my hope of being a medical missionary, which is something in the back of my head that I want to do but know that I'm likely not going to be paid nor be approved by my parents or potential husband. Honestly, I remembered telling my professor about it back in Spring 2019 and thought, "Oh? How do I know if God wants me to be one while I'm also envisioning myself in a suburban home in the Bay area with children and my future husband. I am likely going to give up that lifestyle, but I don't know if I'm ready. But I really enjoyed working in another country with people who need the medical assistance and public health intervention. But how do I know I'm not acting out of vanity?" After that quick flashback to the phone call, I said, "I'll talk to my parents about the possibility of commuting and moving that weekend", and that I will get back to him about my decision over the weekend. After we ended the call, I simply sat the carpeted floor of my house and looked at what I wrote down on my notepad, but all I got was a heavy decision resting on my shoulders. I went downstairs and talked to my dad, and he immediately said no as I expected because Pinole is too far from our hometown and I'm too inexperienced in driving by myself on the highway. I squatted down and told him there are no other jobs available and I would benefit from this medical fellowship to have a higher chance to get in medical school, which is not easy to get in. He understood, but he was worried I would not be able to be financially independent. Then start the housing-commuting option search in which I asked my friends. I often joke myself as a leech, since I'm using my friends as sources of info and help a bit more than I give at times sadly (ex. food). Later on I mentioned about this position to my friend in church and asked if I should take it. She then wondered if it was the same doctor whom she brought her friend to as my professor. I remembered thinking in my head at that moment, "God, you usually tell me to do something if there is a serendipitous connection or something repeats without me ever mentioning it. If it is the same doctor, I'll take it but I'm scared." She then confirmed it was the same doctor. So I texted my professor yes on Sunday. That Sunday night, my mom and I also slept downstairs on the couches since it was too hot upstairs due to the heart wave. That night I decided to pack my 3.5 years of stuff from college, but I overestimated that I had a lot of junk. It was odd to sleep around the boxes that I brought from college and to think I am unpacking and repacking things again.
On the following Sunday morning (Aug 16, 2020), after a blistering heat wave, my mom and I woke up to a thunderstorm. Of course, since one of my dreams is to take a picture of the lightning and I could not sleep, I spent two hours taking pictures of it outside. Yes, outside in the middle of thunderstorm even though I am unwise to stand between two metal objects near trees in my backyard...so I moved to front of the house to take pictures instead. I admit it was beautiful to see the lightning, and sunset except when the lightning was really close to me and later caused Taiwanese hot humid weather and then the CA fires. I had to shut myself in my room because my asthma flared up again.
After a long chain of asking and replying, I decided to move to Richmond on August 23 Sunday and bus to work. Thinking about paying my own rent, my ClearConnect bill, my internship fees until I get reimbursed, etc etc etc, I felt overwhelmed and the whole time I was scared. During my first week of training, I questioned myself do I want to be a doctor, how can I learn so much info, will I crash during work from waking up at 6:45am everyday, etc etc etc. I appreciate my fellow coworkers being supportive and nice to me, but I feel stretched thinly when I'm scheduled for a main position next Friday instead of two weeks from today after handling my family's business for 2 hours or more when I get back from work from Aug 20 to 26. But I'm taking the time to learn the in's and out's of the clinic and working on being as professional and efficient as I can be quickly. I'm also learning to cherish my free time, such as catching up with friends or writing up this blog post or crashing my Christian fellowship's club meeting to see how everyone was doing even though I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep without caffeine. Even so, I rather talk with my friend, especially one who's curious about who is God and Jesus than sleep because I don't want to let these precious moments slip away. But even so, I know I need to sleep.
Overall, I want to write down my thoughts and process them out since I have been holding them inside my head for such a long time. It is exciting to be in a new area and scary, especially when I saw a really bad car accident on San Pablo Avenue on Aug 28 on the way back from work. I guess in a way, this blog post is for me to also encourage whoever reads this to also talk to me, since I'm worn thin. It's Aug 29 1 am right now, so I spent around 2 hours and 15 minutes writing this all out.
I also want to add one more note about my thoughts on how 2020 is not giving us a break and my general thoughts about 2020. I remembered talking to my pastor back in Feb 2020 that the last thing I heard from God was, "This world is going to end." Of course, my immediate thought is that Jesus is coming back and I hope my non Christian friends can be saved. Now looking back, I'm thinking it could also mean that the normal life we have has already ended and the life won't be the same after this pandemic. Also back in Jan, I remembered waking up from a dream of my cats dying as I cried out with tears from the grief, even though I was not worried about their death. It seemed really out of the blue, so I brought it up at the morning prayer meeting with my fellowship that there was one word that was very clear: grief; that there will be great grief this year. Yet despite this negative foreshadowing, in the beginning of 2020, my church and I sang a song called, "Jesus at the Centre" by Darlene Zschech. Despite all the crazy things that are happening, the phrase, "Jesus be the center of it all" resonated with me about this year with a simple message: God is still sovereign.
So to blame on 2020 makes me think we haven't fully recognized where we are at now. And blaming on the year seemed to be a popular complaint, especially with the memes around 2016. I really do feel that events like these are going to happen more often ( or at least more reported), and we should really think about what matters to us in life because there is no guarantee we live to old age. Granted, these are pretty morbid thoughts that I'm sharing, but they are important thoughts to consider. I guess that is what I really miss from in person interactions: deep conversations without the fear of someone listening in and to be in the same space as someone.
I hope you all are doing well and please keep in touch with me! I am very lucky to have a full time job where still many of my graduated friends don't have jobs. Also, I wish you luck for those in school and/or having similar struggles as me. Taking life one step at a time is really helpful during this crazy transition.
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