Deborah Chen's Photography: Keep Moving Forward

May 14, 2020 Thursday

I finished my last spring semester finals last night. After cramming in a semester's worth of information and chunking it on my final exam, I felt relieved to be done...and sad.

This Saturday was supposed to be my commencement for the Class of 2020 at UC Berkeley (as well my high school friend's birthday).

This Sunday was also the commencement for College of Natural Resources (CNR)'s Class of 2020, and I think next Monday was supposed to be for the department graduation for Molecular Environmental Biology majors.

However, it'll be the Blockery University's commencement this Saturday (which is still pretty cool, don't get me wrong. I just need to find a compatible laptop to launch Minecraft) and a virtual CNR commencement this Monday. And it looks like in person meetings will be at a halt for the next couple of months.

When I came back home, I was walking around the neighborhood with my neighborhood friend, and we overheard a gentleman's conversation on the phone. He was expressing his sadness for the class of 2020, and I was reminded that we couldn't have a normal graduation or even the security of knowing what may comes next when our after graduation plans also came to a halt. Honestly, I kept pushing away this feeling of loss to focus on schoolwork and senior farewells. However, whenever I see a post on Facebook from my school talking about the loss we have, I couldn't help but cry because I was looking forward to this year so much...even when I graduated high school.

The dreams of having senior hangouts, participating in graduation ceremonies, studying with friends in late night sessions, hiking trips, ...going to Taiwan for the first time to see my family's roots......

And now that finals are over, I could let those feelings I pushed away sink in as I still wondered on what I should do this summer and after graduation. Which summer classes should I take and drop? Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again? Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when? Should I pursue podiatry or medical school? What do I want to?

Eventually, I will have to answer those questions and I hope that God will help me guide in answering them because I really need guidance and a reminder that what is important is that we're still alive and that people are fighting for others to be alive. Looking back to times when people couldn't graduate or attend their ceremonies because of unforeseen circumstances, drafting, etc. reminds me that we are still fortunate enough to be alive and still experience some closure for our academic achievements.

Earlier this month, I was caught in an argument with a friend of mine who wished the lockdown to be lifted up immediately for economical reasons, while I argued that it shouldn't for epidemiological reasons. Our argument eventually came down to having a life but not being able to enjoy it for a while or risking one's life to enjoy life, and I personally said I rather have a life because situations like the pandemic is not permanent. The effects of it may be permanent, but the decision of how we wish to live our lives and how important our life is are up to us.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling along, but I am planning to go back to Berkeley to grab the last of my belongings and move out of my co-op as well take graduation pictures with my friends and cherish our last time together in undergrad.

May 27, 2020 Tuesday

Wow, I really did have a cluttered mind earlier in this earlier post. I realized that over the years I am treating this website as a journal entry than a photography blog. I think it mainly comes from the fear of my photographs being used without my permission and the desire to share my jumbled thoughts and reflections on what I'm going through. I would say at the moment, my thoughts are clearer than two weeks ago, especially when some of my earlier questions have been answered. So...what happened in the last two weeks?

I officially moved out of Berkeley (Thank God) and now at home (Help me God). I also got to meet up with friends, walk around campus, and take graduation pictures. I celebrated graduation with my friend as we watched the live stream Minecraft commencement and agreed that we will show up for our physical commencement. I read The Book Thief in 3 days and cried at the one scene and compared it to the movie adaptation. I hiked Grizzly Peak with my high school friend to fulfill his 4 year promise that he'll take me hiking around Berkeley if I choose to go to Berkeley back when we were in high school. I ate a farewell dinner with residents in my co-op. I visited SF for my job interview with my friends, got the job, and survived a potential car accident in Berkeley in a friend's car (curse the evil speeding black truck driving past pedestrians crossing a street in a busy intersection). Needless to say, it was an eventful week.

Now at home, I am taking summer classes and cleaning out my family's house and recycling my dad's old work files from 20 years ago. I stumbled on some jewels of my parents' life such as my dad's driver licence booklet in Taiwan and my mom's pencil pouch. I also stumbled on papers that were peed on when a raccoon sneaked in the house :( Earlier before summer school started, my friends and I hung out at one of their homes where we played Undertale. It was fun playing through the battles and puzzles. We laughed at the funny side scenes, notably Undyne's cooking lesson and the date with Papyrus. Maybe I should draw out fan art for them?

Anyway, I have to admit that God is amazing in helping me answer my questions that have been swarming my mind earlier. I sadly admit that I haven't been dutiful keeping up on connecting with God without accountability with my fellowship and my church. Not having a physical interaction with other people really affects me in a way that I had not expected, which leads me to turn to online social media, Youtube and email for something new. Hopefully, I will be less online and more intentional with my relationship with God and my family.

To answer those previous questions,

Which summer classes should I take and drop?

I added Epidemiology (my only grad class) and dropped Pro-typing and Fabrication. I'm likely drop to independent research as an academic credit because I do not have $419 on me, but I can still do the research.

Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again?

Oh, boy. On May 25, I submitted my withdrawal and it was processed on Tuesday morning. Then the UCEAP announced all the year long and fall study abroad programs are suspended...so yes, the program was cancelled on me again and I forfeited my UCEAP Promise scholarship.

Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when?

I am joining the Raffai Lab with Anh Phu and Martin Ng in August after I finish my summer classes and walk out with my degree.

Should I pursue podiatry or medical school?

I don't know, but I at least narrow down to those two. I thought about grad school and talked with my grad friends and professors, and it seems like I'm not as interested in the grad school life. I also thought about MD-PhD and realized that I may not want to be the head of my own lab with a specific research topic in mind....but I don't know. I still like the two options of med or pod school.

What do I want to?

I want to sleep, not melt in this heat, hang out with friends, pass my classes, graduate, drive on the highway with a car and covered by car insurance, and have a place to study at my house.

As for now, I want to keep chugging along and enter the post-grad life, so wish me and the class of 2020 luck!

Now, graduation pictures!!!