The Room Between Life and Death

 The Room Between Life and Death

“I'm scared.

Why does my knee hurt?”

Tears flow down his cheeks

Dripping and staring at the eyes of his EM physician

“You were dead and brought back to life,” she explained

Stunning disbelief filled his weary eyes

The thought he almost died again crushed him

As scarring remnants of his piercing knife wound - to his heart - glistened maliciously

This time the culprit was unknown opioids given to him

The silent killer almost struck again

I stood in the room 

The room between life and death 

In one room someone codes and passes away

In one room someone's life is saved

Its walls soak in the untold memories and feelings of passersby

And remained unchanged and apathetic

It soon dawned upon me that this room among many others

Are my silent, observing teachers to the fragility of life and death

The ICU revealed another room where death awaited a comatose patient

Her husband slumped in the corner and prayed she would recover

He wanted her back home away from this cold, colorless room

But sadly he accepted he would be alone in its shadows

Stoically, he masked his grief when he greeted the chaplain and me

Until a gentle hug from me chipped his shield

His makeshift dam broke suddenly

Out came his tears, his cries, his pain 

Echoing in the room and out to the hospital floor

Gripping my white coat and my small shoulders

Trembling, searching for answers and comfort

I cannot help but cry and wonder

How can medicine bring healing to something inevitable?

After all, death awaits for us all

Yet in resistance to death stands life

Little and grand joyful moments of resilient life

A playful fist bump for the patient who lives again

Ending with a triumphant firework as we awaited his discharge

A delicate drawing of an ephemeral butterfly

Stenciled with the name of his beloved wife and his own as an outlasting tribute

I do not know what my journey in medicine will be like

What I know is that it will be a fulfilling one

An evergoing balance between life and death

Until I join my room prepared by my Maker for the life to come

Two Years Too Long

My White Coat Ceremony on 7/29/2023.

Taken by Loyola Stritch School of Medicine's Photographers

Let's start two years ago...

March 22, 2022

And I think that you’d agree, a lot of life to see, 

A lot of mountains fall before they find the sea 

And if the season questions whether life you need

                                             Each day’s a second, and it’s about to breathe 

From Time of Your Life - DAN ft. Alex Hwang (Run River North)

There's something about these lyrics that resonated with me. Maybe it's because I feel there's always something happening in life. Or maybe it's a simple reminder to breathe. 

I do find myself wondering how our experiences help us gain some perspective, as duly noted in the mini-series Strangers Never Again directed by Wong Fu Productions. I also wonder how these perspectives and experiences help us handle weird situations that we find ourselves in.  

To provide a little context before I delve deeper into my train of thought, I want to share a personal situation that spans almost a year. 

I entered a lawsuit...and I was the one who filed it.

What happened in a nutshell is I bought a used car from a used car dealership, and there were problems with the car and how the dealership handled some of these problems. After I shared my concerns with a dear friend of mine, they advised me to bring my car to a third-party mechanic for an inspection.

I have only shared my situation with a few of my close friends, church, family, and my coworkers. 

September 8-10, 2023

But now, I guess I'm ready to share more about it and other things with the world as I sit in Chicagoland, thinking about how much has happened since I first wrote this little blog post. I admit I honestly want to forget about this little blog, thinking no one would really read it or that the things I write are a bit too personal to share and I want more time to process them. My blog posts are often a way for me to reflect on what has happened, but I still imagine the day in which someone reads them and potentially uses them as a weapon against me. I mean, everything says on the internet forever. Even so, I want to share my voice and reclaim some of the experiences I shared, which is an idea that Michelle Obama shared in her book Becoming. More importantly, I want to grow from my experiences to have a better understanding of the beautiful world we live in and of myself too. (One could say my school's emphasis on reflection has rubbed me off, hahaha). It is also why I want to share my white coat ceremony picture before I continue my previously mentioned story. 

Back to where I left off a year and a half ago, I took my car to a lovely third-party mechanic who told me that my car's catalytic converter was damaged to my disbelief. What likely happened was that someone stole half of the catalytic converter, and the previous car owner took this car to a shop. Someone in this "shop" used half of a random catalytic converter from Canada and bolted it to the car with wires. Honestly, it is better to share about it through a picture shown here. 

Damaged Catalytic Converter. 

Sad photo taken by Deborah Chen

It was then I contacted the Bureau of Automotive Repairs (BAR) under CA's Department of Consumer Repairs in July 2021. The two people whom I worked with are truly incredible, lovely people who spent countless hours investigating and advocating for me as well as the lovely 3rd party mechanic. Still, I need to fork over $2,500 (which was how much I earned in a month from my job at the time pre-taxed) to have my car's catalytic converter replaced with the proper one, so I can still go to work to help patients and pay my rent. From August 2021 to October 2021, the BAR representatives talked to the used car dealership. They discovered two violations in which the dealership did not inspect the car before selling it to me and the dealership's mechanic did not fully disclose the issue with the catalytic converter when I took my car for a maintenance check at the dealership after I bought the car. Moreover, the dealership only stated to the BAR representatives that the dealership would take back my car for free, meaning they would get a repaired, functional car to sell for a higher price and I would have no car.

Yeah, that's not happening. 

Meanwhile, I was preparing to take the MCAT in September 2021, and I had to handle a family health emergency the week before my exam. I'm thankful to God for His support and that I got a decent MCAT score despite 3 weeks of cramming. I mean, after all, I'm at medical school now. However, at this point in time... I never really talked about what happened afterward.

After I received the phone call from the BAR representatives who told me that the dealership was not willing to financially compensate me, I went to my friend's house to hang out. While I was eating dinner with my friends and their parents, I told everyone what had happened regarding my car. After I finished sharing my story, I then clearly said out loud, "I have to sue them [the dealership]." Everyone at the dinner table was quite alarmed and tried to dissuade me. I started getting a painful headache and excused myself to the bathroom...but I didn't make it to the bathroom. Instead, I had a full-blown panic attack as I leaned against the hallway wall and then on the floor. My arms and legs felt numbed and tingly as I gasped for breath because my asthma was then triggered. I never wanted to experience that ever again as my friends and their parents quickly rushed over to help me. Even so, I know I will experience one again, but I know I'm not alone. 

In October-December 2021, I filed a small claims case to the dealership's agent of service (someone who is designed to receive court paperwork and represents the business or person of interest) after talking with my friends, church, and a process server (a hired professional server who delivers the small claim case paperwork to the agent of service. In other words, servers serve the agent of service. Fun legal jargon). Never had I imagined I would sue a business at the age of 22. I knew I wanted to get this legal case done early within the statute of limitations ( 4 years for this kind of contract for this specific county), so I could focus on getting into medical school without this case dragging on. Every time I visited the court, I had to take paid time off from work and drive two hours away to where the court proceedings would be held to submit the paperwork or prepare for court. Every time I called the BAR representatives or anything related to my car during my lunch break at work, I ended up crying and feeling overwhelmed. My colleagues, my friends, my family, everyone...grew worried for my well-being. I knew this case was affecting me, but I felt I needed to push on to prevent the dealership from pulling the same violations on other customers like me. So I pushed on.

Unfortunately, I pushed on too much and hurt someone close to me. The sad thing when one has a court case is that many resources are pulled in. Money, time, energy, and most of all: people's support. One of my dear friends supported me so so much from the beginning, and I kept asking for more from them in my desperation. After they wanted a break from me, it was then I realized...that no one court case is worth hurting someone. It was a wake-up call. At that moment, I honestly thought of calling the case off after they told me how they felt, but I knew I could not give up after losing so much.

In February 2021, my father, pastor, friend, and the two BAR representatives were with me in court...and I was the first to go. It is really odd to see my name on the courthouse's first-floor TV monitors with all the court cases going on that day. I never imagined seeing my full name vs. the dealership in tiny, white text. Even so, we all went up the elevator to the prospective courthouse. I had two binders full of evidence from car documentation, pictures, and more. I also brought my laptop of video clips from my car's dash cam to attest to some of the points I made. For example, the car made a very loud noise when I was driving before I had the catalytic converter repaired. I shared this evidence with the defendant, who was a manager aka someone higher up in the dealership. He shared with the judge and me that he was not informed of this case until two days before the court date and if the dealership did anything wrong to a customer, they would make amends.....

Hmm...

Oddly enough, in his copy of the documentation, there was an internal paper stating that my car had an "after-market catalytic converter" on the day I brought my car for a maintenance check, yet I was never informed of this information that day as proven the documentation they provided to the customer aka me. While I gave my story of what happened to the judge, I felt nervous and definitely talked quickly and forgot to state "Your Honor" once too many times. Apparently, I provided too much info than needed according to the judge, but better be more prepared than none. The judge also confirmed that there was no arbitration in the used car contract. If there was one, I would first have to go to the used car dealership's version of a legal court system before filing a small claims case, which would likely not be in my favor.

After I spoke, one of the two BAR representatives spoke on my behalf, and then later my dad. For any witnesses, they are told to wait outside the courthouse until they are called in. The only one who did not have to wait was my pastor who watched and prayed for me throughout the whole ordeal. As for the plaintiff (aka me) and the defendant, they cannot talk to each other in the courtroom and can only talk to the judge or through a translator.

When it came to the defendant's turn, I do not recall too much other than a couple of things he stated: 

• The defendant was only informed of this case two days ago
• The plaintiff (me) was asking for too much money
• My car's current market value was around $5k at the time (as he showed documentation of the Prius's current price without any markups)
• The sales representative who offered the car to me is one of the best employees they have
• No comment. 

These statements were in response to when the judge asked him the following:

• Why did no one at the dealership offer a proper resolution to the plaintiff?
• How could this contract and service (or lack of proper service) be offered especially when "it's illegal"? 
• [I admit I was pretty happy when the judge said those two words to the defendant]
• What would the dealership do if they received a car that needs repair? 
• Defendant: "I'm not sure what you mean, Your Honor."
• Would the dealership fork up the cost to repair a used car? 
• Defendant: "No comment" 
• Could you please repeat that again for me?
• Defendant: "No comment, Your Honor."

Believe me when I said I was in more disbelief of what the defendant said that his main concern was finance when a couple minutes ago he stated he would like to make amends if they did anything wrong to a customer. Yeah...only if you're court-ordered. 

After our judge heard our case, we waited a month to hear back on the results. It was quite awkward to wave the defendant and his colleague goodbye as my dad, my friend, my pastor, and I walked out of the courthouse. On the way home, I treated my dad and friend to In & Out as a treat, and we discussed how the overall case felt. I was not done yet with the case. One of my lawyer friends recommended I email the defendant to settle (the defendant and plaintiff agreed on a financial compensation or written agreement before the judge officially delivered the results of the small claims case). So I did email the defendant, who conveniently did not provide any email on the dealership's website, but I already figured out that the dealership used a first and last name @ something for all of their employees. 

Silence, just like when I asked for compensation before I served them the case via a process server. At least I received my binder full of documentation after the judge finished reviewing them, which apparently cost the courthouse $11 for the postage.

A month later, the letter from the judge came. 

I won.

I didn't receive all the money I wanted to ask for, but it was still a hefty portion along with the legal fees including the fee to submit the small court case and the fee to hire the process server. I quickly emailed the defendant that I won and would like my paycheck. Lo and behold, he emailed in a few hours with documentation that he sent out the check. I then signed some paperwork and I later received my check a few days later. I was happy to deposit the check through my bank app and wasn't surprised the bank took a while to verify the check. After all, it is not often a 22-year-old gets a court-issued check from a car dealership.

But overall, it was a victory. One that I definitely wrote in my secondaries for medical schools haha. My friends, my church, my colleagues, my family, and more all rejoiced that it was over and it was in my favor. I didn't know that some of my friends shared about me and my legal case, and I was still ripped off from this deal. The weird thing was that while it was over, I still felt overwhelmed and stressed. I don't cry about it at all today as I still do whenever I recall the time I had to walk to a hotel, find housing twice, and get threats from my unpleasant ex-landlord and colleagues in Dec 2021 and Jan 2022. Yes, I still refer to my car as my lawsuit car, my dumb Prius, or Jade. However, my performance at work and outlook only life...still were not as great as I wanted them to be. I knew it was time for the next steps of my career.

So... I happily quit my job in May 2022 and did my Master of Public Health (MPH) at UC Davis from July 2022 to June 2023. I also was a bridesmaid for one of my college friend's wedding. I also applied for medical school from June 2022 to January 2023.

BEST DECISIONS I EVER MADE AFTER GRADUATING UNDERGRAD

Okay, maybe not applying to a lot of medical schools because it cost dried up my work savings, but I was pretty happy during my MPH. It was honestly a time of peace, exploration, fun, and relationship-building with what I love and with the people I love. Just ask me, and I would go on and on about how much I enjoyed it. I finally got to live a normal apartment life with fantastic, lovely women. Only once was there an indoor smoking case in an on-campus apartment, which was cracked hard by a lot of people. I got to meet so many lovely professors, classmates, and students who wanted to learn and have fun despite the obstacles we all faced. I got to make an impact on my students as a chill TA. I did not have professors or classmates giving me discriminatory or discouraging remarks about my ethnicity or religion like I had experienced in my undergrad. I honestly wondered if I should have done my undergrad at UCD, but I was also happy with some of the friends and professors I know and the learning opportunities I had in my undergrad. Moreover, I was making more money without being so stressed. I actually had health, vision, and dental insurance. I could get my asthma medications for a cheap price of $5, not $250-500. (I don't have this insurance anymore sadly after I graduated haha). I had control of my schedule, so for the first time, I had opportunities to do fun things. 

I got to go to my first concert, which was Big Time Rush (BTR) with Spencer Sutherland. I later went to see MAX with my close friends from my MPH to celebrate my birthday. My roommate, TA, and I saw Yo-Yo Ma, Emmanuel Ax, and Leonidas Kavakos perform at the Mondavi Center under a student discount. My roommate and I later saw the Curtis Symphony performed for free. I got to visit my friend's Sikh parade in Yuba City and had delicious food. I visited Sutter Fort to revisit my old 4th-grade field trip memories and walked around the state capitol. I still wanted to visit the inside of the capitol. My friends and I had weekly to monthly dinner dates. We even went ax throwing after our stats final, because we wanted to get our frustration from that final out in a healthy fun way. Karaoke, KBBQ, bounce houses, late night R and SAS coding sessions, practicum cramming, boba hangouts, spicy chicken dinners/lunches, walks along the arboretum, hiking with my roommates, seeing snow on the mountains, biking in the rain (ok, it was not as fun walking into class with wet pants and shoes), chilling with our MPH coordinator in the MPH office, fun pop-up Saturday flee markets, horseback riding, wheel-throwing, black and white film photography, glass making, hot pot nights, shadowing at the UCD Health center, chilling at my pastor's house with the Intervarsity Grad Studies group...Honestly, I really loved my time there. It was also nice to be awarded by the faculty for my "Excellence in Public Health Sciences." I definitely did not expect that hehe. Meanwhile, I was preparing to go to Chicago for medical school and kiss goodbye to my waitlist position at UCSD (because it was clear that I was not getting off that waitlist once it was June 1, 2023, the final day to confirm one's enrollment to medical schools). I got to present my practicum on telehealth in UCD Health's pediatric ward and other Northern California hospitals. I was so happy to see my pastor and his family visiting from Taiwan after I saw them off back in 2021.

There are more fun pictures here taken by Dr. Brad Pollock from our graduation ceremony. He takes good pictures!!

 https://bradpollock.smugmug.com/Miscellaneous/UC-Davis-MPH-Graduation-2023/n-xRM5H8/

Me! Photo taken by Dr. Brad Pollock

Me again from the side.
Photo taken by Dr. Jeffrey Hoch.

It was very peaceful. I was not afraid of being robbed at gunpoint as someone was in front of my old apartment where my undergrad was. I was not worried about having a break-in as I had experienced. Nonetheless, what happened in April to two dear community members and one injured one...definitely took a hit on everyone. To see one of my dear students in tears...to see the fear among my classmates, peers, and roommates. It's odd that I was not as scared as I had been in my undergrad, but it was even more devastating to see how there were so many missed opportunities to prevent the deaths of these two beloved individuals. It took me back to the grief and anger one of my dear college friends had felt when his dentist was shot and killed in Oakland in July 2022...and to watch the video clip of how her life was taken away. I can never forget her screams. My friends' grief. The fear my Asian American church felt when one of our members was attacked that same day my friend's dentist was killed in the same city. My student's tears as one of her friends whom she grew up with did not get to graduate with her because his life was taken. I also lost an elementary school friend this January. I remembered listening to BTR songs in her car...

So when I graduated, I definitely had a lot of feelings. Excited, Sad, Content, Scared. Many more fun memories during my first trip to Asia in which my friends and I went to Japan. SO FUN! Many more when I caught a bad flu and had to miss out on my dear friends' wedding and hanging out with my church. NOT FUN! I regret I couldn't really have closure before I flew off to Chicago in July to move into my new apartment. I admit I was not feeling excited to start medical school because I was so homesick and sick from my lingering 3 to 4 weeks of flu. It was my first time living outside of my home state, so I definitely felt out of place. When I first came to my new bedroom, my dear friend who lived in Chicago gave me some of his things. When I looked through a box, I found a box of uncooked shrimp chips and recognized it from my hometown's grocery store...and I just broke down and cried. I actually cried a lot the first month because I carried a lot of mixed feelings and frustration about getting sick and other things in my mind.

Luckily, little by little I stepped out of my comfort zone to accustom to the area and my school. I'm grateful to my new landlord, roommate, neighbors, friends, professors, classmates, and chaplains for welcoming and supporting me. From going on a retreat for the first-year medical students aka M1s to going on little outings, I was slowly opening up more. The tears are still there but my confidence is coming back. I'm excited that I went on a camping trip, saw BTR (definitely thought of my late friend), MAX, JAX, Ed Sheeran, Khalid, and Cat Burns; went on an architecture boat tour with a great friend, ate at Szechuan Bistro in Chinatown with another great friend, and much more to come. I'm excited to see Twoset Violin, Hasan Minaj, Owl City, and maybe if I'm really lucky Taylor Swift next year (but her tickets are $1.2k-2k for Indianapolis so...not likely haha). I got to practice suturing and using wire, catheter, and sheath in a vascular surgery simulation device. I'm also excited to volunteer with Medical Chinese, teach Medical Spanish for beginners, shadow doctors, play guitar, sing, find a church and Christian fellowship community, and so much more. Throughout all of these things, God is still here and present with me. I honestly haven't been focusing on Him a lot, but looking back on the last two years...He is still a wonderful God who loves me dearly. I hope to serve Him well throughout my time here and to where He calls me to be.

Therefore to wrap up this long two-year update, I will conclude with the next verses of one of my favorite rap songs that I began with.

I’m exactly where I need to be, 

Every single hand on the clock was feeding me

Every single hit I took was healing me, 

Found there was  purpose in the defeat of me

From Time of Your Life - DAN ft. Alex Hwang (Run River North)

P.S. I will be happy to rap this song for you haha.

A Car, An Apartment, A COVID Vaccine Shot

My work picture! Taken by Jenny Nguyen

For over an year, my alarm clock has been set to start my day at 7am (if I chose to wake up that early hehe). Wake up for my 8am statistics lectures in the beginning of Spring 2020 semester. Wake up to study for midterms in the quiet mornings when I moved back home in April 2020. Wake up for my online commencement in May 2020. Wake up to ride the bus for my first full time job as a medical assistant. Wake up in a hotel room, waiting for my COVID test results after I was forcefully relocated in fear of having COVID. Wake up in a new apartment in Berkeley after I moved twice, because my previous roommates were afraid that I as a medical assistant will spread COVID to them even though I tested negative and obtained the vaccine. Wake up to drive my first used car to work and later to get my Moderna vaccine shot. 

Wake up...because I am learning how precious time is. This thought popped up when I stumbled upon a prompt from NPR (National Public Radio), which asked how our relationship with time has changed during the pandemic. I muzzled on this question and reflected on how has changed within one year. 

One year ago, I was having a blast in my last spring semester. I was hanging out with my friends, classmates, professors, church, and more through spontaneous movie nights, spicy noodle challenges, dinner nights, hiking trips, and the best of all: late night talks. I never realized I took for granted the ability to physically meet people. When my university notified everyone that all activities were online, time became distorted while I interacted with my peers who are constrained into tiny, digital boxes on Zoom. My 7am alarm clock quickly became a reminder of what my old routine was like before the pandemic, and a part of me did not want to accept the reality we were living in. After watching my college's online commencement, I felt my time in undergrad was cut short as if we were on a very long spring break instead of capping it off with a celebration full of tears of joy and warm embraces from my friends, family and professors. Time later on became divided into large blocks at my new full time job. I wish someone told me adulting was this difficult. It is a struggle to wake up in the mornings and stay awake from 6:30 am to 11:30 PM without caffeine. By December 2020, I pretty much settled in my new post undergrad life. However, I have this superstition that my life is too peaceful, something bad would happen.

And...

Sadly the superstition still holds up. I want to shake off this negative view I have and share my story with a clear mind, hence why it took me a month or two to feel comfortable sharing about what has happened to me. I have hinted at this earlier, but yes I did came into contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19 before Christmas 2020. Thank God my test came out negative at the time, but it was not an easy ordeal to go through. Telling everyone including my coworkers, landlords, housemates, family, friends, church and more about this news is not a fun thing to share. While I understand that everyone is afraid and concern for their health as well as the health of those who interacted with them, I wish there were more words and actions of kindness instead of fear. 

From the moment I received the news that a friend I have seen recently had tested positive for COVID-19 to the moment I received the negative test results has not been fun. Because I work in a medical office that serves predominantly senior citizens, I was afraid I was possibly link to many people's illness and deaths including our beloved patients and colleagues. The fear greatly left me sleepless. It was the first time I cried for hours, from 10pm-4am. I slept/fainted around 4am-6am then cried more 6am-10am. I started quarantining myself in my single room in a house of four people (two landlords, housemate and me) and wore my N95 mask when I left my room and used the bathroom. I checked my phone and answered texts and emails to update everyone I came into physical contact. Some harsh words were delivered to me from a few people whom I told the news, especially when they were visiting friends, family and loved ones during the holiday season. Some kind words reassured me momentarily before the fear overtook me again. 

I admit my faith was really small, smaller than a mustard seed. Even now, I feel ashamed of not having much faith in my situation and not checking in my friend who tested positive. After my landlord took me to get the drive through COVID test, I felt it was the last time I would ride in their car. I was right. Later that day, my friend who tested positive for COVID and I remotely watched a Christmas movie called It's a Wonderful Life the night after the news. I finally felt a sense of peace again. I slept for 10 hours...only to wake up the next morning to be informed that I have to move out by 4pm, 5pm according to my landlords because I cannot fully quarantine myself from everyone in the house I lived in. They said they had given the same instruction to the other housemate (who has a car, I don't have a car). Then they offered to drive me to the hotel or Bart station around my departure time. My heart sunk and I really wished I signed a physical lease with the landlord when I heard this plead, since I knew this request was not allowed legally. Yet, I felt so drained and distraught that I complied with it, especially when I internalized that I was a liability, a threat, a burden. I shared this news with my friends and colleagues who all said this request is not allowed under California's tenant laws... but I felt so powerless. With the help of a friend, I found a local hotel and I packed what I could carry...since I had a sinking feeling I would have not have a ride judging on the odd request from my landlord. When I finished packing, I was told 15 minutes before 5pm via text that my landlords could not drive me and requested me to order a Lyft/Uber instead. I laughed in my head while I read the Lyft/Uber policies that I should not order a ride if I believe I tested positive for COVID-19. I texted back to one of the landlords that I can't order a ride and that my only option is to walk 1 hour at dark to the hotel.

Did anyone stop me? No. Was I in the right mind? No. 

I picked up my backpack, 2 bags of luggage and a plastic bag of chicken noodle soup and walked for one hour from Richmond, CA to Pinole, CA from 5pm-6pm. The moment I walked away from the house, I felt angry and really hoped someone would stop me, but I knew no one would. Only one of the landlord knew about that I was walking while everyone else assumed I got a car ride or something. While I was walking towards the hotel, I debated if I would be better off sleeping in a local park with cats or at an abandoned building. I had to remind myself that I already booked a hotel room, so I have to get to the hotel no matter what. I noticed immediately that many drivers, including a bus driver from the C3 Costa Community WestCat, all stopped and stared at me in shock while I crossed the main streets. People who are waiting at the bus stops did the same thing. After all, it is not normal to see a women with luggage walking at night. Did I mentioned that at a highway intersection, I had to wait for all the cars to make their right turns, leaving me the choice to run across the highway intersection in the dark? Of course, I ran out of time when I was halfway across the intersection when the ongoing traffic light turned green, but no one moved their car since I bet the drivers all thought who's this crazy person? 

Even so, I knew God is protecting me throughout this ordeal. I'm thankful that no one ran over me with their cars and trucks nor was I mugged or worse. I am also thankful for being greeted kindly by a nice gentleman who is facing homelessness during my walk. Even without explanation, I felt understood by him and was comforted by him. Ha, I did not realized I could have been this close to not having a home.  

When I arrived at the hotel check in window, I just cried and felt overwhelmed. I checked into my hotel room and felt paranoid that the hotel room may have SARS-COVID-2 lingering in the air. I just simply sat on a table for an hour, then disinfected the room for an hour, then took a shower, then ate a can of chicken noodle soup since it was all I can bring with me on my walk, then video called my friends while I frantically checked for my COVID test results. I reserved this hotel room from December 21 to 24 in case the COVID test results comes out late...or worse. The next three days was a period of waiting, painful waiting yet hopeful waiting. My church later found out about my situation, and they prayed for me and provided me dinner the next day. My high school friends also got me snacks and water while I slept, watched Natsume Yujin-Cho, video called friends, ate dinner and snacks, drew and read the bible. It was strange to attend my high school friend's engagement announcement call while I sat in the hotel, thinking when is my COVID test result coming out. I also checked in my housemate to see how he was doing, but I was surprised he was still living in the house and going to work as if nothing has happened. Something felt wrong, since it seemed like he was not order to move to another location to quarantine like me, even though we shared the same bathroom and are equally exposed. He also did not know that I walked over to the hotel and empathized with me. I did not tell my family about my situation, because I already made them so worried about the COVID test. When I got finally got the negative COVID test result on Dec 23 evening, I cried tears of joy and relief while I shared the news with everyone. I thought I could go back to my original housing situation and go back to normal...

Remember I wrote earlier that I booked the hotel room to Dec 24 in case something worse has happen? 

Well, in hindsight I should have chose my words with more consideration. I texted one of the landlords, who is aware I walked to the hotel, if I can return to the house...but I heard no reply for a couple of minutes, which seemed really odd to me. I then called and asked if it was possible to be compensated for the hotel expenses and for a ride. Granted, I should have not said this...since they lashed out at me for asking such a request and other things. I just simply listened as they said they were afraid of someone in their house getting from COVID. However, the lashing got worse when they said I should pay for their sick leave cost of $6000k if they got sick (even they worked from home while I work minimum wage as an in-person medical assistant), that my family is not responsible of me, that I have to stay at the hotel and cool our heads etc. I apologized for upsetting them, but it was already too late.

After they hung up on me, I called my father and told my family the truth while I looked at sublets in Berkeley. My family confirmed with me that I have to move out, since it became clear I am not wanted at the house even when I tested negative for COVID and that it is illegal to temporarily evict a tenant due to a health issue and not another tenant with the same level of risk. My church also heard this news and graciously covered my hotel expenses as well supported me in finding a new place. My wonderful father, who works 24/7 as a self employer to support my family, reorganized his work schedule to drive an hour over to Pinole to pick me up on Dec 24. Funny in how I saw one of my patients at the hotel while I waited for my father. After my dad picked me up, he drove over my old place and explained I was moving out to both landlords and to do a prorated refund and deposit return. It became clear that the one who lashed out at me did not tell the other landlord the entire story including the part in which I walked to the hotel for an hour in the dark. I have to admit it was very satisfying to hear the other landlord said, "I see [Deborah]'s point" while the one who lashed at me let out a huge sigh of regret. After I said goodbye to everyone, I moved back home and celebrated my brother's birthday and Christmas while sleeping in another room to complete my quarantine. Still, I had a new dilemma, commuting from my hometown to Pinole, which is 1 hour one way. I only had one week of work off, and I spent it waiting for my COVID test result in an unideal manner. My dad decided it was time for me to get an used car, so we started car searching. Meanwhile I was frantically looking for a new place in Berkeley. Luckily, I only had to Lyft once to Pinole on Monday and then moved into a new apartment in Berkeley in an apartment the next day. Still it was not easy to inform my colleagues, but I really hope everyone had a better holiday week than me. When I moved in to the new place in Berkeley, I thought I finally settled in! 

ha.

nah.

Apparently, my roommates in the apartment were not aware I work as a medical assistant, even though I brought it up to the person in charge of the sublease. In short, I was asked to move out after I moved in for a week, but I got a full refund, so hey that's better than my last place. Luckily, I found another place for a cheaper cost, bigger space, and with my Christian fellowship friends. Plus I bought my first used car with my savings. While my dad drove the car for some repairs for two weeks, my lovely, kind coworkers drove me to work and back until my car was ready. I practiced driving around in my hometown, and I drove my car up to Berkeley. Frankly, I prefer to not drive in the rain and missed 2, 3 exits on the highway and almost get rear ended, but I will get better with practice.

Things have settled down for now...finally. 

I survived the first week of driving to work by myself. I started teaching a UCB class that I took as an undergrad with my colleagues. I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine on Jan 25, 2021 and waiting for my second one on Feb 27, 2021. I'm getting along with my apartment mates, and I'll start preparing for the MCAT and med/pod school app process.

But honestly, it's all thanks to God helping me with this process. I know there is the saying that everything happens for a reason, but it makes me curious to know the reason is. What I do know, that I have much more room to grow in terms of my faith and my confidence in God as well investing in myself and my support system. I am indebted to everyone who has supported me through such a stressful time. And for those who had no idea what I was going through, I'm doing much better now. Of course, life has its way in making sure I'm on my tippy-toes, but it is nice to have a break from the chaos.

I just want to share my story with you all to remember to be kind and loving towards one and another, even yourself. I know this pandemic does not bring the best out of everyone, but it is a good reminder to continue on loving others and ourselves. 

My Diploma ;)

My DIPLOMA. MY DIPLOMA. 

I never imagined that yesterday November 30 during my mundane lunch breaks I would find an email announcing my diploma is coming. I was so excited to the point I told my coworker who also went to Cal, but I quickly forgot about the email once my lunch break ended and the rush of patients came in.

After I checked my email tonight (December 1, 2020), I finally found the email again. How funny that it seemed like a week ago for me when it was only a day, but when I downloaded my diploma....I never imagined (well maybe I did back when I daydreamed of graduating back when I was a freshman in college) that I would cried, squealed, clasped my hands to my face and stare at my digital diploma on my 5 year old laptop covered in stickers that I collected throughout senior year of college. I was so proud and relieved when I stared at the text "COLLEGE OF NATURAL RESOURCES" after bracing myself the fear it would be marked as Rausser, whom I do not know nor wish to name my college after him since I believe my college should not be labeled under a person's name since college belonged to all of us. The little text of "DISTINCTION" reminded me that despite after going through a tumultuous spring semester and jam packed online summer semester at home, the hard work, the suffering, the nights full of learning and talking with my classmates, professors, GSIs, friends, family, church and God were all well spent. 

I know it's only a few pixels on my screen, a digital file on my aging computer, but when I shared it with my family...I can't helped myself in being proud and wrapping up my time at Cal this year, our year as class of 2020. My mom was also so happy to hear this news as well, and that made my day. I let her know that my physical one is coming in the mail in the next few weeks. I didn't imagined myself writing a blog post on it, since I haven't touched my blog in a few months ever since I started working. I still wished I was a student and to have those fun senior memories, to have commencements and simply walk and cry with my classmates and friends, but I can at least savor these special moments. 

Thank you everyone for believing in me. 

GO BEARS! CONGRATS CLASS OF 2020!

Liberation is Free Indeed

 Hello everyone! 

I want to share with you all a very cool book written by a friend Nikole Lim called Liberation is Here. Her book talks about her stories as a freelance filmmaker intertwining with the stories of some brilliant women who are sexual assault survivors in Kenya and Zambia. Inspired by their stories, Nikole co-founded Freely in Hope, "a nonprofit organization seeking to restore dignity to survivors of sexual violence by providing educational opportunities and platforms for women to fulfill their dreams." 

Book order: 

https://www.ivpress.com/liberation-is-here

Book launch party:

https://www.freelyinhope.org/events/launchparty/

Freely in Hope: 

https://www.freelyinhope.org

Cover taken by Nikole Lim

I first met her and a scholar from Freely in Hope in my church Christian Layman Church, and I was struck by how God's presence is very powerful through the two women. So, when I saw that Nikole was writing a book about it on Inter varsity Press, I quickly ordered it in May and was so eager to receive it in August. Granted, I only read the first chapter and wanted to write down so many ideas flowing in my head only to move to my new place for work. I'm hoping that as I catch up on work, I can take the time to read the book and share my thoughts down here. 

Chapter 1 

8/15-9/19

I actually re-read it, since when I first got the book back in August 13. I just graduated from UC Berkeley and I wanted to relax and enjoy a good book. When the lightning storms were coming in that night, I was reading the book in my family's storage room. Man the first chapter had a lot packed in. The chapter title, "She Reminds Me of You" resonated with a lot of my conviction to help people who may be in similar situations as me if we swapped places, similar to what the author Nikole Lim had felt from her dear grandfather. I enjoyed reading about her upbringing and her thoughts as a young Asian American women growing up in the Bay Area as well her passion to tell stories and photography. I can definitely relate to her, and it's funny how I'm currently in the city she grew up in for my new job. 

Chapter 2

8/15-9/19

I read it right after chapter 1 and I'm revisiting it with admiration. It opens up about Nekesa and her story situated in Kenya and how it later intertwined with Nikole's. I have to admit even though it's been a month since I last read it, I still remember some of the details in the chapter and could felt a glimpse of the feelings during Nekesa's stories; and those feelings still leave me feeling in awe of her. I don't wanna spoil everything since a summary can't do justice to her story nor was this blog meant to be a summary of the book. But let's just say, it gives me hope; hpe that despite the world we live in is not just,  it can be just through Jesus. 

Chapter 3-13

8/20

I feel like I can't put this book down once I picked it up again.

There are moments in the book in which I felt the raw emotions, especially when I share the "cinematic imagination" mentioned in one of the chapters. Reading Nikole's and the scholars' stories made a conviction in me to seriously consider of Christian medical missionary or at least a career focused on global public health. I know it seems weird to add that in, but there are turning points mentioned in these chapters that me admire these brilliant women despite all the difficulties that they have to face. There seems to be an assumption or pressure to not showcase the difficulties in order to keep the "strong, independent women" image when in reality, we are all struggling at times. I feel that struggle and I bet many people do too. And the book displays the struggle incredibly, vividly well while entwining God's grace and His gospel among the women's lives. I think I can demonstrate a little bit by sharing some of my favorite quotes from the book so far:

"I am no longer a victim, but a survivor." She continued with Hope on her lap, "My dream is to help other girls see this within themselves- that's why I want to study social work. I want to help survivors know that they are no longer victims too. I want them to see me and say, 'If she can make it, then I can also make it." Her eyes welled up. (pg 52)

"Telling your story is the first step to healing," she concluded (pg 64)

"It seems the work of justice cannot be fulfilled in the absence of suffering." (pg 103)

She said, "Do you know what stopped me from taking my life? After I cut myself, I realized that my blood was the blood of Jesus. Because he loves me, I need to love myself and others. I'll see you when we finally meet with God one day." (pg 45)

"My dream is to be doctor so that I can be an example to other girls and show them that women can be influential and save lives. We don't have to stay at home to serve men--- we can be outstanding in any occupation we choose" (pg 59)

"It seems that unfair things in our lives pave the way for good things to come. We must stay strong, persevering as we wait for it. Without faith, there is so much in this world to fear. In fear, there is no joy in living. Joy is what keeps me going. I don't have to be uptight, life is too short not to laugh" (pg 108)

Chapter 14-19

8/20-8/24

The ending kindled and stoke the flames of hope within men as I hope the same for you.

I think overall the last couple of chapters show how much the women have grown as well how sexual assaults and trafficking are internationally involved. It also showed me how to handle with anger towards unjust actions and transform it through healing and justice, rather than lashing out and hurting others. Overall, it's a wonderful book and I really recommend it. I want to share a couple of my favorite quotes once one more time.

"I now know why why you were so angry as a child. You knew that all was not well with the world, but you didn't now how to respond. And so you would react in tantrums and yelling, fighting and screaming. but somehow, you've been able to channel your anger towards something meaningful-towards justice" (pg 133)

"Mom, just love me. You've taught me  everything I need to know. I have to fight this one on my own" (pg 132)

"Don't give up on me. Even beautiful things can break if they're overused and mistreated. I break a lot, but I am strong. I know my purpose. That is what keeps me going. This hope is the water, the bond that keeps rejoining the broke but beautiful pieces of me." (pg 156)

If you have read the book, please do let me know what you think. Also feel encouraged to donate to their organization to support them. 

Book order: 

https://www.ivpress.com/liberation-is-here

Book launch party:

https://www.freelyinhope.org/events/launchparty/

Freely in Hope: 

https://www.freelyinhope.org

It's Hard...Yet God is Still Sovereign

August 28, 2020 Friday 10:16pm

 Hello everyone! 

I hope you are all doing well in this crazy time that we are living in. I finally updated the font type to Proxima Nova to give this blog post a new fresh look. I admit I am likely not going to post anytime soon this year other than near the end of the year. I have been busy, and I know Facebook is a quick way to showcase updates of everyone's lives, but I feel more comfortable sharing about my thoughts on my blog even though I'm not sure how my information will be used later on. Granted, that is the the same for Facebook and other social media platforms.

Anyway, I will write up an update on my life so far from my last blog post and what I have learned so far during this transition. As a heads up, this blog post is a long bumpy train of thought.

June 2020 

My last semester at UC Berkeley was fun. Even though I initially did not plan to take summer classes at UC Berkeley again since Taiwan Study Abroad is my main goal, I enjoyed the 5 online courses that I took, which is around 9 semester units. Before you start to think I'm crazy, I know a friend who took over 30 units this semester, so I'm relatively less crazy than him...or at least I think I am. Anyway, I took Environmental Health Science for my major, Epidemiology (my first and only grad class), Beginner Piano, Intro to CRISPR, and SPUR Independent Research. If you're familiar with UCB's summer schedule, I had a class each Session from A to E. In other words, my classes' start dates were two weeks apart. Only Session A classes end before Session D classes start in July. Granted, I only needed to take one class to graduate, but I want to take fun courses at UCB especially piano because I want to make the most of my last semester and knock off my buckle list classes. I am luckily to have my two gifted friends to teach me the techniques and skills involved in playing piano. I started reading sheet music and practicing my favorite piano piece, Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence by Ryuichi Sakamoto. Even though the piece is pretty advanced for me, I'm determined to at least memorize the piece through practice! I have watched many videos from a YouTube channel called TwoSetViolin created by two violinists who encouraged people to practice and make funny, informative videos about music. They really helped appreciate classical music and encouraged me to not give up practicing piano and guitar, which at times serve as my way to de-stress. 

Stress...man, I haven't handled it well when I moved back home to be honest. I felt exhausted from cleaning my parents' storage room from March to May to ensure I have a place to study effectively when school switched from in-person to online instruction. The prolonged cleaning left me with intense wrist pain that lasted a couple of weeks. Moreover, I started looking to use my dental and vision insurance coverage before they end in July 31 as well switching over to a new medical insurance. Meanwhile, I looked into buying a car for my potential job in UCSF, but I never knew used hybrid cars are expensive! Overall, it was a long process of figuring things out that I took for granted as a college student.

Sigh...It was hard to adjust my routine with my family's routine, especially with the financial stress that my family is facing. I love my family, but I longed for the freedom I had in living away from them during my time in college. Even though I have friends who tell me that I'm an adult, I learned that I need to respect my parents more because they are my parents. It reminded me of one of God's Ten Commandments: Honor your father and  your mother. After all, they're not going to always be around me later on in life. I also learned after talking about my family situation to older women in my church that my parents are also adjusting to having me move back home. It's hard for them to not see me as a child and to recognize I am an adult, even though I want to be seen an adult. In other words, my family and I were entering this transition of me moving from college to post grad, from me being a dorky college student to a college graduate seeking full time work. 

Transition.....those are the wonky time periods that I struggle a lot with. I felt like I could not take a break and that I had to know all of the answers immediately to make the "right" decision or else I screw up my life. I am grateful that my Christian fellowship Intervarsity gave us graduating seniors a parting book called After College: Navigating Transitions, Relationships and Faith by Erica Young Reitz. The book was a quick read for me, but it really asked me to question my assumptions about my post-grad life. I always thought that transitioning life from college to college graduate was going to be smooth, because I had a set plan to graduate normally, study abroad in Taiwan, work/volunteer at the Wu lab in Stanford, take the MCAT and apply for medical/podiatry school. However, plans change. I admit I was very disappointed that my transition as well my friends' transitions were very bumpy, especially when my friends could not find jobs. When I hear about their potential backup plans, I never thought about how difficult it is to apply for jobs because I assumed that we would graduate in a good economy, not during this lock-down stagnant economy. Even so, reading the book reminded me that God is still sovereign. I feel I keep repeating the phrase "God is still sovereign" to help me calm down as I juggle the possibility of pursuing Masters of Public Health, missionary trips, moving to a job site, commuting, da da la da. I just wonder how long will I continue struggling during this transition period. 

July 2020

There were some great moments this month.

I got to connect with my professor from Environmental Health Science and made new friends. I graduated by completing my last major requirement class! I started working on my independent research project with ArcGISPro. I practiced driving on the highway after a 4 year hiatus. I got connected to my church's women bible study and young adult home group. I got ClearConnect aligners to correct my teeth alignment from my incredibly sweet dentist. I got my family a compost bin using the gift money I got from participating in the Safe Campus study with UCB and received a negative COVID testing. I got the Gilman Scholarship! As for my family and friends, we started getting closer again during shelter in place. We started watching Lord of the Rings series so that I can be caught up on the references and not give up reading the book series. 

There were also some not so great moments. 

I lost my medical scribe job offer and forfeited my UCSF job, so I had no backup of what to do after I finished my classes. I got terrified of driving on the highway when I didn't make three smooth lane changes, but no one got hurt. I relived the loss of not being able to go to Taiwan when I received the Gilman Scholarship. I got into an argument about paying for the aligners that it became my main financial responsibility, even though $3.2k was a lot for me to pay. I felt so lost. . . and just cried in what I should do because I realized I'm not sure what I want anymore. I talked to my friends, advisors, and counselors on what I should do and most of the times I was looking for someone to tell me what to do who is not myself. So many "I" statements are being used here, because I felt I didn't know who I am during this period of confusion. I make one plan; it changes the next plan so I make another plan...and it changes the next day. There were many nights of me looking up virtual study programs to use the Gilman Scholarship while I filled out job applications and programs such as the AmeriCorp, prepared for job interviews, studied for my summer classes, and wondered what God wants me to do. I then realized that God is still sovereign despite of my confusion and that there is only so much I can control in my life...and it's best for me to release that control over to God because He knows what is best for me. 

Overall, it was a hectic month. I often kept up with my 4 high school friends and meet up in person (gasp, I know but I got later tested negative for COVID in early Aug so don't worry). It was relaxing to watch Lord of the Rings and having boardgames nights with them. I do admit there were times I would hang out with them to escape my home and to distract myself from my rambling, tumbling thoughts that seeped my energy and sleep away for a couple of nights. Near the end of July, I was more settled down and returned to my chill self after I decided to pursue a virtual internship with the backing of the Gilman Scholarship in my hometown.

But of course, plans can change the next day.

August 2020

Finals. My last finals at Berkeley. 

I was so excited to finish studying and taking my finals. I passed my piano final with flying colors, especially when I memorized the pieces and yet mess up twice during my performance due to my nervousness. I also was excited to finish my research project, which involved me analyzing residential pools belonging to owners who violated EBMUD's excessive water policy during the CA drought season in 2015-2016. I bumped into so many technical difficulties when I tried to deep learning marked pool images on ArcGISPro that the technical support reported an official defect to the developers and forwarded my notes to them. The CRISPR course was also fun to sit in and listen to the different applications of CRISPR ranging from ethics, plants, regulations, etc. And last of all, my graduate epidemiology course in which I got to connect with the graduate student instructors and classmates. The funny thing is that when I took the final, it was when the heatwave was starting to build up, so I took my exam online in a hot room for 4 hours. Right after I finished my exam on August 13, I just went to my friends' house and chill there. It was relieving to be free of school for once and I believed I can sleep in, at least for a week before I started go back into job searching.

Nah. What is rest these days?

Remember what I said before?

 PLANS CAN CHANGE THE NEXT DAY!

August 14, 2020 10:39am I woke up to a phone call, wondering if it's a job offer. It was my professor from my eye decal that I took Spring 2019. I was surprised that he had my number and remembered I applied for a position in his medical fellowship at his clinic in March. He informed me that there is an open spot in the fellowship and that he wanted me to join after getting approval from everyone in his clinic and fellowship. I was in stupor because I thought it was already pretty late to be accepted. I originally was on the waitlist in April and assumed the fellows were already decided by then. I already dismissed the possibility of me joining the fellowship because I thought I was not qualified and I was unwilling to move near Pinole. But at the moment, it felt everything slowed down while I was talking with my professor. I moved up from my bed to my desk to grab any available notepad and pencil and slowly walked to the hallway in disbelief, because earlier I was offered and rejected a job offer within a week from another medical clinic. I didn't want to get my hopes up and be crushed again. He then told me that he really wanted me to join the medical fellowship and is sad to hear I was waitlisted. He added on that he really want to help me to get into medical school and help me with my hope of being a medical missionary, which is something in the back of my head that I want to do but know that I'm likely not going to be paid nor be approved by my parents or potential husband. Honestly, I remembered telling my professor about it back in Spring 2019 and thought, "Oh? How do I know if God wants me to be one while I'm also envisioning myself in a suburban home in the Bay area with children and my future husband. I am likely going to give up that lifestyle, but I don't know if I'm ready. But I really enjoyed working in another country with people who need the medical assistance and public health intervention. But how do I know I'm not acting out of vanity?" After that quick flashback to the phone call, I said, "I'll talk to my parents about the possibility of commuting and moving that weekend", and that I will get back to him about my decision over the weekend. After we ended the call, I simply sat the carpeted floor of my house and looked at what I wrote down on my notepad, but all I got was a heavy decision resting on my shoulders. I went downstairs and talked to my dad, and he immediately said no as I expected because Pinole is too far from our hometown and I'm too inexperienced in driving by myself on the highway. I squatted down and told him there are no other jobs available and I would benefit from this medical fellowship to have a higher chance to get in medical school, which is not easy to get in. He understood, but he was worried I would not be able to be financially independent. Then start the housing-commuting option search in which I asked my friends. I often joke myself as a leech, since I'm using my friends as sources of info and help a bit more than I give at times sadly (ex. food). Later on I mentioned about this position to my friend in church and asked if I should take it. She then wondered if it was the same doctor whom she brought her friend to as my professor. I remembered thinking in my head at that moment, "God, you usually tell me to do something if there is a serendipitous connection or something repeats without me ever mentioning it. If it is the same doctor, I'll take it but I'm scared." She then confirmed it was the same doctor. So I texted my professor yes on Sunday. That Sunday night, my mom and I also slept downstairs on the couches since it was too hot upstairs due to the heart wave. That night I decided to pack my 3.5 years of stuff from college, but I overestimated that I had a lot of junk. It was odd to sleep around the boxes that I brought from college and to think I am unpacking and repacking things again.

On the following Sunday morning (Aug 16, 2020), after a blistering heat wave, my mom and I woke up to a thunderstorm. Of course, since one of my dreams is to take a picture of the lightning and I could not sleep, I spent two hours taking pictures of it outside. Yes, outside in the middle of thunderstorm even though I am unwise to stand between two metal objects near trees in my backyard...so I moved to front of the house to take pictures instead. I admit it was beautiful to see the lightning, and sunset except when the lightning was really close to me and later caused Taiwanese hot humid weather and then the CA fires. I had to shut myself in my room because my asthma flared up again.

Lightning!

Gracie!

    Quercus agrifolia at sunset

Then the next day, I got the acceptance from the medical fellowship on Monday afternoon. The manager called first me if I can start working, and I said Sept 2nd. She agreed and forwarded me the contact info of a coworker who can help me with the commute until I find a place. Then my professor called me if I can start working on Tuesday August 18. I said no immediately because I have no ride set up and he suggested Thursday August 20...and I timidly said yes. 

After a long chain of asking and replying, I decided to move to Richmond on August 23 Sunday and bus to work. Thinking about paying my own rent, my ClearConnect bill, my internship fees until I get reimbursed, etc etc etc, I felt overwhelmed and the whole time I was scared. During my first week of training, I questioned myself do I want to be a doctor, how can I learn so much info, will I crash during work from waking up at 6:45am everyday, etc etc etc. I appreciate my fellow coworkers being supportive and nice to me, but I feel stretched thinly when I'm scheduled for a main position next Friday instead of two weeks from today after handling my family's business for 2 hours or more when I get back from work from Aug 20 to 26. But I'm taking the time to learn the in's and out's of the clinic and working on being as professional and efficient as I can be quickly. I'm also learning to cherish my free time, such as catching up with friends or writing up this blog post or crashing my Christian fellowship's club meeting to see how everyone was doing even though I'm running on 5-6 hours of sleep without caffeine. Even so, I rather talk with my friend, especially one who's curious about who is God and Jesus than sleep because I don't want to let these precious moments slip away. But even so, I know I need to sleep. 

Overall, I want to write down my thoughts and process them out since I have been holding them inside my head for such a long time. It is exciting to be in a new area and scary, especially when I saw a really bad car accident on San Pablo Avenue on Aug 28 on the way back from work. I guess in a way, this blog post is for me to also encourage whoever reads this to also talk to me, since I'm worn thin. It's Aug 29 1 am right now, so I spent around 2 hours and 15 minutes writing this all out. 

I also want to add one more note about my thoughts on how 2020 is not giving us a break and my general thoughts about 2020. I remembered talking to my pastor back in Feb 2020 that the last thing I heard from God was, "This world is going to end." Of course, my immediate thought is that Jesus is coming back and I hope my non Christian friends can be saved. Now looking back, I'm thinking it could also mean that the normal life we have has already ended and the life won't be the same after this pandemic. Also back in Jan, I remembered waking up from a dream of my cats dying as I cried out with tears from the grief, even though I was not worried about their death. It seemed really out of the blue, so I brought it up at the morning prayer meeting with my fellowship that there was one word that was very clear: grief; that there will be great grief this year. Yet despite this negative foreshadowing, in the beginning of 2020, my church and I sang a song called, "Jesus at the Centre" by Darlene Zschech. Despite all the crazy things that are happening, the phrase, "Jesus be the center of it all" resonated with me about this year with a simple message: God is still sovereign. 

So to blame on 2020 makes me think we haven't fully recognized where we are at now. And blaming on the year seemed to be a popular complaint, especially with the memes around 2016. I really do feel that events like these are going to happen more often ( or at least more reported), and we should really think about what matters to us in life because there is no guarantee we live to old age. Granted, these are pretty morbid thoughts that I'm sharing, but they are important thoughts to consider. I guess that is what I really miss from in person interactions: deep conversations without the fear of someone listening in and to be in the same space as someone. 

I hope you all are doing well and please keep in touch with me! I am very lucky to have a full time job where still many of my graduated friends don't have jobs. Also, I wish you luck for those in school and/or having similar struggles as me. Taking life one step at a time is really helpful during this crazy transition.