Watch Me Grow & Fly

It seems I have made a tradition to update my blog once an year haha, and a lot has happened since then. 

I'm currently a third year medical student, and in two years I will be earning my MD degree. It is definitely surreal thinking about how far I have gone in this journey with the support of my loved ones and God. I admit like for many others in this journey, it has not been easy. 

But I don't think I really shared how hard it has been unless you personally saw me going through it, bits and pieces, snapshots of what I went through and how I changed and continued to be myself.

Yes, I am grateful for the amazing opportunities and experiences I learned. Living in Chicagoland, meeting new people, traveling around the world, learning so many interesting things. And as with life, there are some unpleasant things I experienced, and I'm still learning to let them go so I can continue to grow and forgive myself. 

So I can be finally free and be in peace.

3/14/2025 Lunar Eclipse taken without a tripod

But what exactly am I talking about?

Well it started with the idea of reconciliation, which means "the restoration of friendly relations." from Oxford Dictionary. The etymology of it means" to bring together again, regain, or win over again." 

I learned about it through one of the 7 sacraments in the Catholic Church, and it's one of my favorite lessons other than learning that Sacramento, CA's namesake is sacrament. Trust me when I said my mind was blown away. 

But back to topic, I was also in awe of the idea you can be at good terms with someone you have been at odds with for such a long time. To me, it seem impossible, foolish even, to try make peace with someone after numerous failed attempts because I often left feeling disappointed for hoping such peace could be restored when it doesn't happen. I do speak from a perspective where I had faced quite a bit of trauma and those experiences shaped me to be on survival mode as a result even when things are peaceful. I know reconciliation is not impossible with God, but I often questioned how much energy I can invest in a fight before I get tired myself. After all, I have limitations like any other person. Still, I don't want to give up without putting up a good fight and understanding what I was going through internally.

As a way of making sense of those thoughts, I included a short excerpt of a letter I once wrote last October. I admit...I'm very impressed with my writing skills. 

But a cute picture for a fun little break. After all, this is a photography blog.

12/14/2024 A squirrel in a pumpkin. Derp.

"I don’t think I really clarified what was going through my mind [in April and May 2024], and I myself didn't know either during that time until sitting down and looking back on it retrospectively. Long story short, a lot of stuff happened. I really do believe April is my unlucky month. On April 5, [one of my friends told about their suicidal ideation, and it was a recurring occurrence that left me heartbroken and helpless. I did not know what to do, let alone support myself] after I failed the first two exams in two classes back in late January. The fear of failing both classes and remediating, being pulled out of honors program & ISI trip to Bolivia, canceling the nonrefundable plane ticket to Taiwan, the disappointment of not visiting my parents’ home country before it gets invaded by China or whatnot. The fear kicked in hard, which scared me because I thought I was strong enough to not let failed academics get to me. 

But I want to lean on [my support system]. I want to be free from this darkness, and I admit I want to cry about this for a very long time. I wanted a tight hug and felt it was going to be alright. I don't want to be alone with these thoughts from 2am-6am for weeks, thinking how can I escape from this? When is it going to get better? I know it will but when? I want to be checked in as a reminder I'm not alone. Even so, a part of me felt I should keep it to myself because I didn't want to get hurt from opening up...

Even so, I continued on, getting ready for the solar eclipse on April 8 and the upcoming GI exam on April 9. I was so excited because I love learning about astronomy and the amazing, beautiful glorious world God has created. It's why I love nature. It's as if nothing could taint His creation and it brings me peace and wonder. When I was walking over to the [park where the Solar Eclipse party was held], I ran into my sweet landlord who looked sad. I already knew what she was going to say when she held the letter in her hand, stating she and her husband were selling where my roommate and I were living. I knew she and her husband did not want to sell, but I understand why. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking I should not think I would have the luxury of staying in a place for more than a year. Since 2020, I have moved at least once a year, even kicked out, and it caused a lot of stress on me because there were times I didn't know where I was going to live. I seriously debated sleeping in my car at one point, and I thought I couldn't go back to that kind of position again. And yet, I felt I was back, once again. I frantically started thinking of backup plans. Is [this place] open? Are there open spots at another apartment for my roommate and me? Where can I store my stuff? How am I going to coordinate moving with the endless stream of exams? Am I really going to have to move all of my stuff in one day before I fly out to Bolivia? How could my landlords tell my roommate and me so late? Her Step 1 is in 3 days? My exam is tomorrow. I don't have a good feeling about what is to come. 

I then decided to text everyone I know as I walked over to the Oak Park library, asking [if they know any openings?] Can I store my stuff at your house? Can I store my car at your parking garage? Can I have your other landlord's number to take a look at the apartments? I then decided all of this can wait one more day because I want to enjoy the solar eclipse and study with my friend and pass my exam. I recalled my friend suggesting I asked another friend if their family could rent out an extra room to me as a backup, but I decline because I don't want to have the awkward dynamics of having a friend as my landlord. I have been kicked out of a townhouse from a family before. I then kept my mind on the solar eclipse, listening to my friend telling me about the beeswax conspiracy and another lovely old couple celebrating that this solar eclipse may be their last one. It just seemed so funny to me that my mind was racing while life went on, and yet it reminded me life is short and to enjoy the moment. 

4/8/2024 Solar Eclipse Time Lapse in Oak Park, IL

And so I did, crammed for my life, took the exam the next day, and got a 92% despite having diarrhea during the exam. I then went back to finding housing, packing for moving, packing for Bolivia and California, and studying for the next exam. But it was a week before the next wave of exams, so I went off to enjoy life through spur-of-the-moment Panera hangouts, H-mart shopping trips with another friend, and other things. I still felt anxious, but things were going smoothly until we got our Step 1 book and…the letter from [a schoolwide] retreat on April 19. 

I dreaded getting the letter back because [I wrote a lot about ] a lot of negative emotions and memories I carried when I first moved to Oak Park, IL last July 2023. I remember feeling so alone in my apartment, so tired from being sick from Influenza B for 3 weeks on my first night on July 15, 2023. I'm thankful for my neighbor helping me move the remainder of my belongings and for my friend giving me his furniture, especially his mattress and Asian food because I want a sense of home and familiarity. And I was hungry. I questioned why I was still sad before starting medical school. I’m so close. Keep holding on. I also felt hurt that I didn’t have my loved ones from CA to go to my white coat ceremony because of cost, fear of airplanes from 9/11, other things. I’m grateful my friend agreed last minute to come to my ceremony because he also felt sad that no one else from CA came. I also regretted that I didn't have much closure from the friends I had back in California and I was still processing the tragic things that recently happened during my grad school at UC Davis. 

In August 2022, I remember my friend texting me that his dentist was killed in Oakland. That same day, one of the members at my church was attacked after service, but other members intervened so they were all safe. Still, I was grieving as I watched the news footage of his dentist, screaming for her life before she was shot. I can still hear it. I still remember my friend's rage, his grief, and my church friends’ grief because they also knew her.  

A couple of months later, at my school's hometown, which is known to be very safe, I learned that two people had been stabbed to death nearby. One of the victims was a friend of one of my friends at Intervarsity Grad, a Christian fellowship. One was a graduating senior, with a job lined up. He was one of my students' closest friends whom she had grown up with him. I still remember in the Intro to Public Speaking class how she cried over Zoom during her speech about how her family members really looked forward to graduating college and get their first job, because that opportunity was robbed away from her friend. She was looking forward to graduating with him and celebrating their accomplishments together. But she can’t. She will never be able to. 

Nowhere felt safe. And I still ask God why they died.

[After reading the letter, I did end on a positive note of hope, which caught me off guard. I then continue holding on the hope that things will get better. Still, it was pretty hard to when I encountered more bumps along the road.]

April 30, 2024 -I was at a drive by, where someone in a car shot someone in the foot around 7pm. I was walking back from parking my car at a friend's parking complex, thinking how I can relax that Tuesday evening and prepare for my next exam on Friday. I felt something at the Scoville Park was off, because I was questioning why a group of high schoolers were running away from the park, laughing and not in running clothes. I picked up my pace to cut across the park, which was a good call because I would had been where the victim was shot. He's safe. Still I was within 300 feet of the shooter. 

I remembered hearing the three bullet shots behind me, and me thinking “Ah shoot, this isn’t fireworks. Time to run.” I was even more surprised I didn't flinch. Like in slow motion, I saw a group of people playing tennis, eyes opened with fear, fleeing the park, and I find myself running, keeping an ear open if there was an active shooter on foot following me. 

I then encountered an elderly woman with a dog sitting on a bench at the end of the park, asking me, "Is there a shooting? What's happening?" 

I paused, deciding do I help her and her dog evacuate from the park or leave them behind? I decided if something awful happened to her, I couldn't live with myself as a future physician, even if I have to my life at risk. 

I replied back, "Yes, I don't know where the shooter is, but we need to get out of this park to a safer place" at which her dog quickly followed me. We frantically crossed the street, at which she accidentally dropped her phone and picked up it back up. Meanwhile, I was scanning the area and realized we were the last few people at the park. I brought her near my apartment complex, which was not far from her residence. I urged her to wait and contact her relatives to pick her up once it was safer. Quickly the police came to secure the park, and we both waited nervously. I then thought about relocating because I realized we were at a secluded but interconnected area and someone who may be fleeing would run into us. 

Lo and behold, a high schooler boy ran up and asked the woman and me, "Can you guys give a ride? I'm being chased." 

I replied back, "I'm sorry. I don't have my car with me. Who are you being chased from?" 

No answer, which was not reassuring. Meanwhile the woman started panicking, believing he was the shooter while I felt confused because I felt the boy was not the culprit. Still, we relocated to another location and I felt frustrated of being this situation instead of peacefully studying about fungi and parasites for my Friday exam. Her relative later picked her up, and I entered my apartment complex once the coast was clear to make sure no one would follow and threaten me to hide in the apartment. I went up the staircase, sat in the middle, and cried out as the adrenaline wore off. I thought I really can't catch a break, can I? I told a few friends and my dad, and I took the day off. I don't know how but I still passed my exam on Friday. 

After the shooting, I started saying whenever I faced an uncomfortable situation, “What is the worst thing this person can do to me? What can they do to me? Shoot me? I have been through worse.” Yet when 4th of July rolled around the corner, I relived the shooting in my mind as I felt the panic rose up whenever I heard firecrackers go off. 

May 5, 2024 was when I learned my neighbor died in late April when I was scrolling aimlessly on Facebook. She was one of the people whom I grown up and has been supporting me since high school, and it killed me. I regretted not visiting her when I was home during Spring Break...I was really looking forward to spending time with her in my summer break, teaching her what I learned and how I could had helped her as her doctor. I remembered how she would encouraged me to pursue my career and how proud she is of me to make it this far. She taught me about gardening, supported me though my college and post grad journey, always there to give me food and succulents and life advice. I wished I could have hugged her, but we couldn't during the pandemic. I remember baking banana bread at her house with so much Caprisun in 10th grade, how my mom and I would go on walks with her, how she showed her love for the neighborhood by giving us as much love as she could. How she would laugh, standing on her roof to simply clean it. How she supported me when I asked out my first date. How she supported me during my difficult time, urging me to enjoy life and study hard. 

I broke. I simply broke down and cried for hours, thinking and grieving, “I can handle a lot of stuff, but this is my breaking point. She…was too young….I wanted to be there for her as she has done for me.” I had yet another exam on Friday coming up, and luckily I needed above 53% to pass. I got a 58% hahaha, so I passed barely the first class. But I...still had another exam the next Friday. At which, I asked if I could study with my friends. What end up happening was I bawled my eyes out while my friend hugged me tightly and another placed his hand on my knee, praying. Luckily I needed above 40% to pass the second class, so I quickly took it and left the exam room with a 67%.

[Honestly during this time], I felt I deserve to be alone and to not sleep as much. I mean at this point, I was in 3 weeks of 2-3 hours of sleep and still taking tests. Yet I tried to live like life was normal by attending a graduation ceremony, a surprise birthday party, and at least enjoying the present, but I felt like I was living two lives and that one of them is a lie and the lie was killing me. 

When I looking back at the pictures and videos I took in my M1 year, I came upon the karaoke song at a friend's bday party and listening to “Touch of Heaven”....I felt for the first time in a long time, peace.

I felt comforted that even through all of these emotional turmoil, I know the Lord is still here with me and this will pass and it will be okay. I started remembering my community back at my home church Christian Layman church and the incredible people I met who furiously seek the Lord and support each other. Heck, they helped me found housing, supported my financially, and man, even my pastor sat through my court hearing when I was talking with the judge and the Toyota dealership manager to fight for my money back or also get legal punishment for the company. 

And I’m thinking I can survive this. Just keep holding on. It will pass.

And the hard moments did passed, but the pain still remained. At least I am airing this out, so I can finally get some sleep in and close this chapter to move forward.

12/14/2024 A squirrel jumping into a pumpkin 

I admittedly wrote the events for April 30 and May 5 after Oct 2024 because at the time I wrote the letter, I was 10 pages in and lost a lot of energy. I think this is one of my most emotional raw letters, and I felt I was pretty harsh on myself because I know I did the best I could. 

I repeat.

I know I did the best I could, despite all the cards I have been dealt. And I'm damn proud of myself. I'm grateful meeting my class director before he retired when he shared this truth bomb with me: You did the best you could, and that's what matters.

And it's high time I take care of myself to take care of others and set boundaries, so that I can be the best doctor and person I could be. It's funny how I still think it was 2024 until this May, as if I'm stuck in the past, but I don't have to be anymore. I will be alright. 

So here's a quick list of fun things I done in the last couple of months.

May 2024

• Visited Bolivia at the Susan Hou Centro Medico ISI trip! Met incredible people and saw the Milky Way for the first time.

July 2024

• Visited Taiwan (Taipei, Taichung, Gaohsuing) and met my dad's side of the family for the first time, hung out with friends, and ate food! Also experienced an air raid drill and a typhoon.

Aug 2024

• Started M2 year! Good to see friends again and meet the M1s.

Dec 2024

• Visited NY for the first time and hung out with friends!! Saw the Statue of liberty, 9/11 Memorial, and Wicked. NY Bagels and pizza are the best.

April 2025

• Passed Step 1!!! Praise God!

May 2025

• Started OB-GYN rotation!!

The Room Between Life and Death

 The Room Between Life and Death

“I'm scared.

Why does my knee hurt?”

Tears flow down his cheeks

Dripping and staring at the eyes of his EM physician

“You were dead and brought back to life,” she explained

Stunning disbelief filled his weary eyes

The thought he almost died again crushed him

As scarring remnants of his piercing knife wound - to his heart - glistened maliciously

This time the culprit was unknown opioids given to him

The silent killer almost struck again

I stood in the room 

The room between life and death 

In one room someone codes and passes away

In one room someone's life is saved

Its walls soak in the untold memories and feelings of passersby

And remained unchanged and apathetic

It soon dawned upon me that this room among many others

Are my silent, observing teachers to the fragility of life and death

The ICU revealed another room where death awaited a comatose patient

Her husband slumped in the corner and prayed she would recover

He wanted her back home away from this cold, colorless room

But sadly he accepted he would be alone in its shadows

Stoically, he masked his grief when he greeted the chaplain and me

Until a gentle hug from me chipped his shield

His makeshift dam broke suddenly

Out came his tears, his cries, his pain 

Echoing in the room and out to the hospital floor

Gripping my white coat and my small shoulders

Trembling, searching for answers and comfort

I cannot help but cry and wonder

How can medicine bring healing to something inevitable?

After all, death awaits for us all

Yet in resistance to death stands life

Little and grand joyful moments of resilient life

A playful fist bump for the patient who lives again

Ending with a triumphant firework as we awaited his discharge

A delicate drawing of an ephemeral butterfly

Stenciled with the name of his beloved wife and his own as an outlasting tribute

I do not know what my journey in medicine will be like

What I know is that it will be a fulfilling one

An evergoing balance between life and death

Until I join my room prepared by my Maker for the life to come

Two Years Too Long

My White Coat Ceremony on 7/29/2023.

Taken by Loyola Stritch School of Medicine's Photographers

Let's start two years ago...

March 22, 2022

And I think that you’d agree, a lot of life to see, 

A lot of mountains fall before they find the sea 

And if the season questions whether life you need

                                             Each day’s a second, and it’s about to breathe 

From Time of Your Life - DAN ft. Alex Hwang (Run River North)

There's something about these lyrics that resonated with me. Maybe it's because I feel there's always something happening in life. Or maybe it's a simple reminder to breathe. 

I do find myself wondering how our experiences help us gain some perspective, as duly noted in the mini-series Strangers Never Again directed by Wong Fu Productions. I also wonder how these perspectives and experiences help us handle weird situations that we find ourselves in.  

To provide a little context before I delve deeper into my train of thought, I want to share a personal situation that spans almost a year. 

I entered a lawsuit...and I was the one who filed it.

What happened in a nutshell is I bought a used car from a used car dealership, and there were problems with the car and how the dealership handled some of these problems. After I shared my concerns with a dear friend of mine, they advised me to bring my car to a third-party mechanic for an inspection.

I have only shared my situation with a few of my close friends, church, family, and my coworkers. 

September 8-10, 2023

But now, I guess I'm ready to share more about it and other things with the world as I sit in Chicagoland, thinking about how much has happened since I first wrote this little blog post. I admit I honestly want to forget about this little blog, thinking no one would really read it or that the things I write are a bit too personal to share and I want more time to process them. My blog posts are often a way for me to reflect on what has happened, but I still imagine the day in which someone reads them and potentially uses them as a weapon against me. I mean, everything says on the internet forever. Even so, I want to share my voice and reclaim some of the experiences I shared, which is an idea that Michelle Obama shared in her book Becoming. More importantly, I want to grow from my experiences to have a better understanding of the beautiful world we live in and of myself too. (One could say my school's emphasis on reflection has rubbed me off, hahaha). It is also why I want to share my white coat ceremony picture before I continue my previously mentioned story. 

Back to where I left off a year and a half ago, I took my car to a lovely third-party mechanic who told me that my car's catalytic converter was damaged to my disbelief. What likely happened was that someone stole half of the catalytic converter, and the previous car owner took this car to a shop. Someone in this "shop" used half of a random catalytic converter from Canada and bolted it to the car with wires. Honestly, it is better to share about it through a picture shown here. 

Damaged Catalytic Converter. 

Sad photo taken by Deborah Chen

It was then I contacted the Bureau of Automotive Repairs (BAR) under CA's Department of Consumer Repairs in July 2021. The two people whom I worked with are truly incredible, lovely people who spent countless hours investigating and advocating for me as well as the lovely 3rd party mechanic. Still, I need to fork over $2,500 (which was how much I earned in a month from my job at the time pre-taxed) to have my car's catalytic converter replaced with the proper one, so I can still go to work to help patients and pay my rent. From August 2021 to October 2021, the BAR representatives talked to the used car dealership. They discovered two violations in which the dealership did not inspect the car before selling it to me and the dealership's mechanic did not fully disclose the issue with the catalytic converter when I took my car for a maintenance check at the dealership after I bought the car. Moreover, the dealership only stated to the BAR representatives that the dealership would take back my car for free, meaning they would get a repaired, functional car to sell for a higher price and I would have no car.

Yeah, that's not happening. 

Meanwhile, I was preparing to take the MCAT in September 2021, and I had to handle a family health emergency the week before my exam. I'm thankful to God for His support and that I got a decent MCAT score despite 3 weeks of cramming. I mean, after all, I'm at medical school now. However, at this point in time... I never really talked about what happened afterward.

After I received the phone call from the BAR representatives who told me that the dealership was not willing to financially compensate me, I went to my friend's house to hang out. While I was eating dinner with my friends and their parents, I told everyone what had happened regarding my car. After I finished sharing my story, I then clearly said out loud, "I have to sue them [the dealership]." Everyone at the dinner table was quite alarmed and tried to dissuade me. I started getting a painful headache and excused myself to the bathroom...but I didn't make it to the bathroom. Instead, I had a full-blown panic attack as I leaned against the hallway wall and then on the floor. My arms and legs felt numbed and tingly as I gasped for breath because my asthma was then triggered. I never wanted to experience that ever again as my friends and their parents quickly rushed over to help me. Even so, I know I will experience one again, but I know I'm not alone. 

In October-December 2021, I filed a small claims case to the dealership's agent of service (someone who is designed to receive court paperwork and represents the business or person of interest) after talking with my friends, church, and a process server (a hired professional server who delivers the small claim case paperwork to the agent of service. In other words, servers serve the agent of service. Fun legal jargon). Never had I imagined I would sue a business at the age of 22. I knew I wanted to get this legal case done early within the statute of limitations ( 4 years for this kind of contract for this specific county), so I could focus on getting into medical school without this case dragging on. Every time I visited the court, I had to take paid time off from work and drive two hours away to where the court proceedings would be held to submit the paperwork or prepare for court. Every time I called the BAR representatives or anything related to my car during my lunch break at work, I ended up crying and feeling overwhelmed. My colleagues, my friends, my family, everyone...grew worried for my well-being. I knew this case was affecting me, but I felt I needed to push on to prevent the dealership from pulling the same violations on other customers like me. So I pushed on.

Unfortunately, I pushed on too much and hurt someone close to me. The sad thing when one has a court case is that many resources are pulled in. Money, time, energy, and most of all: people's support. One of my dear friends supported me so so much from the beginning, and I kept asking for more from them in my desperation. After they wanted a break from me, it was then I realized...that no one court case is worth hurting someone. It was a wake-up call. At that moment, I honestly thought of calling the case off after they told me how they felt, but I knew I could not give up after losing so much.

In February 2021, my father, pastor, friend, and the two BAR representatives were with me in court...and I was the first to go. It is really odd to see my name on the courthouse's first-floor TV monitors with all the court cases going on that day. I never imagined seeing my full name vs. the dealership in tiny, white text. Even so, we all went up the elevator to the prospective courthouse. I had two binders full of evidence from car documentation, pictures, and more. I also brought my laptop of video clips from my car's dash cam to attest to some of the points I made. For example, the car made a very loud noise when I was driving before I had the catalytic converter repaired. I shared this evidence with the defendant, who was a manager aka someone higher up in the dealership. He shared with the judge and me that he was not informed of this case until two days before the court date and if the dealership did anything wrong to a customer, they would make amends.....

Hmm...

Oddly enough, in his copy of the documentation, there was an internal paper stating that my car had an "after-market catalytic converter" on the day I brought my car for a maintenance check, yet I was never informed of this information that day as proven the documentation they provided to the customer aka me. While I gave my story of what happened to the judge, I felt nervous and definitely talked quickly and forgot to state "Your Honor" once too many times. Apparently, I provided too much info than needed according to the judge, but better be more prepared than none. The judge also confirmed that there was no arbitration in the used car contract. If there was one, I would first have to go to the used car dealership's version of a legal court system before filing a small claims case, which would likely not be in my favor.

After I spoke, one of the two BAR representatives spoke on my behalf, and then later my dad. For any witnesses, they are told to wait outside the courthouse until they are called in. The only one who did not have to wait was my pastor who watched and prayed for me throughout the whole ordeal. As for the plaintiff (aka me) and the defendant, they cannot talk to each other in the courtroom and can only talk to the judge or through a translator.

When it came to the defendant's turn, I do not recall too much other than a couple of things he stated: 

• The defendant was only informed of this case two days ago
• The plaintiff (me) was asking for too much money
• My car's current market value was around $5k at the time (as he showed documentation of the Prius's current price without any markups)
• The sales representative who offered the car to me is one of the best employees they have
• No comment. 

These statements were in response to when the judge asked him the following:

• Why did no one at the dealership offer a proper resolution to the plaintiff?
• How could this contract and service (or lack of proper service) be offered especially when "it's illegal"? 
• [I admit I was pretty happy when the judge said those two words to the defendant]
• What would the dealership do if they received a car that needs repair? 
• Defendant: "I'm not sure what you mean, Your Honor."
• Would the dealership fork up the cost to repair a used car? 
• Defendant: "No comment" 
• Could you please repeat that again for me?
• Defendant: "No comment, Your Honor."

Believe me when I said I was in more disbelief of what the defendant said that his main concern was finance when a couple minutes ago he stated he would like to make amends if they did anything wrong to a customer. Yeah...only if you're court-ordered. 

After our judge heard our case, we waited a month to hear back on the results. It was quite awkward to wave the defendant and his colleague goodbye as my dad, my friend, my pastor, and I walked out of the courthouse. On the way home, I treated my dad and friend to In & Out as a treat, and we discussed how the overall case felt. I was not done yet with the case. One of my lawyer friends recommended I email the defendant to settle (the defendant and plaintiff agreed on a financial compensation or written agreement before the judge officially delivered the results of the small claims case). So I did email the defendant, who conveniently did not provide any email on the dealership's website, but I already figured out that the dealership used a first and last name @ something for all of their employees. 

Silence, just like when I asked for compensation before I served them the case via a process server. At least I received my binder full of documentation after the judge finished reviewing them, which apparently cost the courthouse $11 for the postage.

A month later, the letter from the judge came. 

I won.

I didn't receive all the money I wanted to ask for, but it was still a hefty portion along with the legal fees including the fee to submit the small court case and the fee to hire the process server. I quickly emailed the defendant that I won and would like my paycheck. Lo and behold, he emailed in a few hours with documentation that he sent out the check. I then signed some paperwork and I later received my check a few days later. I was happy to deposit the check through my bank app and wasn't surprised the bank took a while to verify the check. After all, it is not often a 22-year-old gets a court-issued check from a car dealership.

But overall, it was a victory. One that I definitely wrote in my secondaries for medical schools haha. My friends, my church, my colleagues, my family, and more all rejoiced that it was over and it was in my favor. I didn't know that some of my friends shared about me and my legal case, and I was still ripped off from this deal. The weird thing was that while it was over, I still felt overwhelmed and stressed. I don't cry about it at all today as I still do whenever I recall the time I had to walk to a hotel, find housing twice, and get threats from my unpleasant ex-landlord and colleagues in Dec 2021 and Jan 2022. Yes, I still refer to my car as my lawsuit car, my dumb Prius, or Jade. However, my performance at work and outlook only life...still were not as great as I wanted them to be. I knew it was time for the next steps of my career.

So... I happily quit my job in May 2022 and did my Master of Public Health (MPH) at UC Davis from July 2022 to June 2023. I also was a bridesmaid for one of my college friend's wedding. I also applied for medical school from June 2022 to January 2023.

BEST DECISIONS I EVER MADE AFTER GRADUATING UNDERGRAD

Okay, maybe not applying to a lot of medical schools because it cost dried up my work savings, but I was pretty happy during my MPH. It was honestly a time of peace, exploration, fun, and relationship-building with what I love and with the people I love. Just ask me, and I would go on and on about how much I enjoyed it. I finally got to live a normal apartment life with fantastic, lovely women. Only once was there an indoor smoking case in an on-campus apartment, which was cracked hard by a lot of people. I got to meet so many lovely professors, classmates, and students who wanted to learn and have fun despite the obstacles we all faced. I got to make an impact on my students as a chill TA. I did not have professors or classmates giving me discriminatory or discouraging remarks about my ethnicity or religion like I had experienced in my undergrad. I honestly wondered if I should have done my undergrad at UCD, but I was also happy with some of the friends and professors I know and the learning opportunities I had in my undergrad. Moreover, I was making more money without being so stressed. I actually had health, vision, and dental insurance. I could get my asthma medications for a cheap price of $5, not $250-500. (I don't have this insurance anymore sadly after I graduated haha). I had control of my schedule, so for the first time, I had opportunities to do fun things. 

I got to go to my first concert, which was Big Time Rush (BTR) with Spencer Sutherland. I later went to see MAX with my close friends from my MPH to celebrate my birthday. My roommate, TA, and I saw Yo-Yo Ma, Emmanuel Ax, and Leonidas Kavakos perform at the Mondavi Center under a student discount. My roommate and I later saw the Curtis Symphony performed for free. I got to visit my friend's Sikh parade in Yuba City and had delicious food. I visited Sutter Fort to revisit my old 4th-grade field trip memories and walked around the state capitol. I still wanted to visit the inside of the capitol. My friends and I had weekly to monthly dinner dates. We even went ax throwing after our stats final, because we wanted to get our frustration from that final out in a healthy fun way. Karaoke, KBBQ, bounce houses, late night R and SAS coding sessions, practicum cramming, boba hangouts, spicy chicken dinners/lunches, walks along the arboretum, hiking with my roommates, seeing snow on the mountains, biking in the rain (ok, it was not as fun walking into class with wet pants and shoes), chilling with our MPH coordinator in the MPH office, fun pop-up Saturday flee markets, horseback riding, wheel-throwing, black and white film photography, glass making, hot pot nights, shadowing at the UCD Health center, chilling at my pastor's house with the Intervarsity Grad Studies group...Honestly, I really loved my time there. It was also nice to be awarded by the faculty for my "Excellence in Public Health Sciences." I definitely did not expect that hehe. Meanwhile, I was preparing to go to Chicago for medical school and kiss goodbye to my waitlist position at UCSD (because it was clear that I was not getting off that waitlist once it was June 1, 2023, the final day to confirm one's enrollment to medical schools). I got to present my practicum on telehealth in UCD Health's pediatric ward and other Northern California hospitals. I was so happy to see my pastor and his family visiting from Taiwan after I saw them off back in 2021.

There are more fun pictures here taken by Dr. Brad Pollock from our graduation ceremony. He takes good pictures!!

 https://bradpollock.smugmug.com/Miscellaneous/UC-Davis-MPH-Graduation-2023/n-xRM5H8/

Me! Photo taken by Dr. Brad Pollock

Me again from the side.
Photo taken by Dr. Jeffrey Hoch.

It was very peaceful. I was not afraid of being robbed at gunpoint as someone was in front of my old apartment where my undergrad was. I was not worried about having a break-in as I had experienced. Nonetheless, what happened in April to two dear community members and one injured one...definitely took a hit on everyone. To see one of my dear students in tears...to see the fear among my classmates, peers, and roommates. It's odd that I was not as scared as I had been in my undergrad, but it was even more devastating to see how there were so many missed opportunities to prevent the deaths of these two beloved individuals. It took me back to the grief and anger one of my dear college friends had felt when his dentist was shot and killed in Oakland in July 2022...and to watch the video clip of how her life was taken away. I can never forget her screams. My friends' grief. The fear my Asian American church felt when one of our members was attacked that same day my friend's dentist was killed in the same city. My student's tears as one of her friends whom she grew up with did not get to graduate with her because his life was taken. I also lost an elementary school friend this January. I remembered listening to BTR songs in her car...

So when I graduated, I definitely had a lot of feelings. Excited, Sad, Content, Scared. Many more fun memories during my first trip to Asia in which my friends and I went to Japan. SO FUN! Many more when I caught a bad flu and had to miss out on my dear friends' wedding and hanging out with my church. NOT FUN! I regret I couldn't really have closure before I flew off to Chicago in July to move into my new apartment. I admit I was not feeling excited to start medical school because I was so homesick and sick from my lingering 3 to 4 weeks of flu. It was my first time living outside of my home state, so I definitely felt out of place. When I first came to my new bedroom, my dear friend who lived in Chicago gave me some of his things. When I looked through a box, I found a box of uncooked shrimp chips and recognized it from my hometown's grocery store...and I just broke down and cried. I actually cried a lot the first month because I carried a lot of mixed feelings and frustration about getting sick and other things in my mind.

Luckily, little by little I stepped out of my comfort zone to accustom to the area and my school. I'm grateful to my new landlord, roommate, neighbors, friends, professors, classmates, and chaplains for welcoming and supporting me. From going on a retreat for the first-year medical students aka M1s to going on little outings, I was slowly opening up more. The tears are still there but my confidence is coming back. I'm excited that I went on a camping trip, saw BTR (definitely thought of my late friend), MAX, JAX, Ed Sheeran, Khalid, and Cat Burns; went on an architecture boat tour with a great friend, ate at Szechuan Bistro in Chinatown with another great friend, and much more to come. I'm excited to see Twoset Violin, Hasan Minaj, Owl City, and maybe if I'm really lucky Taylor Swift next year (but her tickets are $1.2k-2k for Indianapolis so...not likely haha). I got to practice suturing and using wire, catheter, and sheath in a vascular surgery simulation device. I'm also excited to volunteer with Medical Chinese, teach Medical Spanish for beginners, shadow doctors, play guitar, sing, find a church and Christian fellowship community, and so much more. Throughout all of these things, God is still here and present with me. I honestly haven't been focusing on Him a lot, but looking back on the last two years...He is still a wonderful God who loves me dearly. I hope to serve Him well throughout my time here and to where He calls me to be.

Therefore to wrap up this long two-year update, I will conclude with the next verses of one of my favorite rap songs that I began with.

I’m exactly where I need to be, 

Every single hand on the clock was feeding me

Every single hit I took was healing me, 

Found there was  purpose in the defeat of me

From Time of Your Life - DAN ft. Alex Hwang (Run River North)

P.S. I will be happy to rap this song for you haha.

A Car, An Apartment, A COVID Vaccine Shot

My work picture! Taken by Jenny Nguyen

For over an year, my alarm clock has been set to start my day at 7am (if I chose to wake up that early hehe). Wake up for my 8am statistics lectures in the beginning of Spring 2020 semester. Wake up to study for midterms in the quiet mornings when I moved back home in April 2020. Wake up for my online commencement in May 2020. Wake up to ride the bus for my first full time job as a medical assistant. Wake up in a hotel room, waiting for my COVID test results after I was forcefully relocated in fear of having COVID. Wake up in a new apartment in Berkeley after I moved twice, because my previous roommates were afraid that I as a medical assistant will spread COVID to them even though I tested negative and obtained the vaccine. Wake up to drive my first used car to work and later to get my Moderna vaccine shot. 

Wake up...because I am learning how precious time is. This thought popped up when I stumbled upon a prompt from NPR (National Public Radio), which asked how our relationship with time has changed during the pandemic. I muzzled on this question and reflected on how has changed within one year. 

One year ago, I was having a blast in my last spring semester. I was hanging out with my friends, classmates, professors, church, and more through spontaneous movie nights, spicy noodle challenges, dinner nights, hiking trips, and the best of all: late night talks. I never realized I took for granted the ability to physically meet people. When my university notified everyone that all activities were online, time became distorted while I interacted with my peers who are constrained into tiny, digital boxes on Zoom. My 7am alarm clock quickly became a reminder of what my old routine was like before the pandemic, and a part of me did not want to accept the reality we were living in. After watching my college's online commencement, I felt my time in undergrad was cut short as if we were on a very long spring break instead of capping it off with a celebration full of tears of joy and warm embraces from my friends, family and professors. Time later on became divided into large blocks at my new full time job. I wish someone told me adulting was this difficult. It is a struggle to wake up in the mornings and stay awake from 6:30 am to 11:30 PM without caffeine. By December 2020, I pretty much settled in my new post undergrad life. However, I have this superstition that my life is too peaceful, something bad would happen.

And...

Sadly the superstition still holds up. I want to shake off this negative view I have and share my story with a clear mind, hence why it took me a month or two to feel comfortable sharing about what has happened to me. I have hinted at this earlier, but yes I did came into contact with someone who tested positive for COVID-19 before Christmas 2020. Thank God my test came out negative at the time, but it was not an easy ordeal to go through. Telling everyone including my coworkers, landlords, housemates, family, friends, church and more about this news is not a fun thing to share. While I understand that everyone is afraid and concern for their health as well as the health of those who interacted with them, I wish there were more words and actions of kindness instead of fear. 

From the moment I received the news that a friend I have seen recently had tested positive for COVID-19 to the moment I received the negative test results has not been fun. Because I work in a medical office that serves predominantly senior citizens, I was afraid I was possibly link to many people's illness and deaths including our beloved patients and colleagues. The fear greatly left me sleepless. It was the first time I cried for hours, from 10pm-4am. I slept/fainted around 4am-6am then cried more 6am-10am. I started quarantining myself in my single room in a house of four people (two landlords, housemate and me) and wore my N95 mask when I left my room and used the bathroom. I checked my phone and answered texts and emails to update everyone I came into physical contact. Some harsh words were delivered to me from a few people whom I told the news, especially when they were visiting friends, family and loved ones during the holiday season. Some kind words reassured me momentarily before the fear overtook me again. 

I admit my faith was really small, smaller than a mustard seed. Even now, I feel ashamed of not having much faith in my situation and not checking in my friend who tested positive. After my landlord took me to get the drive through COVID test, I felt it was the last time I would ride in their car. I was right. Later that day, my friend who tested positive for COVID and I remotely watched a Christmas movie called It's a Wonderful Life the night after the news. I finally felt a sense of peace again. I slept for 10 hours...only to wake up the next morning to be informed that I have to move out by 4pm, 5pm according to my landlords because I cannot fully quarantine myself from everyone in the house I lived in. They said they had given the same instruction to the other housemate (who has a car, I don't have a car). Then they offered to drive me to the hotel or Bart station around my departure time. My heart sunk and I really wished I signed a physical lease with the landlord when I heard this plead, since I knew this request was not allowed legally. Yet, I felt so drained and distraught that I complied with it, especially when I internalized that I was a liability, a threat, a burden. I shared this news with my friends and colleagues who all said this request is not allowed under California's tenant laws... but I felt so powerless. With the help of a friend, I found a local hotel and I packed what I could carry...since I had a sinking feeling I would have not have a ride judging on the odd request from my landlord. When I finished packing, I was told 15 minutes before 5pm via text that my landlords could not drive me and requested me to order a Lyft/Uber instead. I laughed in my head while I read the Lyft/Uber policies that I should not order a ride if I believe I tested positive for COVID-19. I texted back to one of the landlords that I can't order a ride and that my only option is to walk 1 hour at dark to the hotel.

Did anyone stop me? No. Was I in the right mind? No. 

I picked up my backpack, 2 bags of luggage and a plastic bag of chicken noodle soup and walked for one hour from Richmond, CA to Pinole, CA from 5pm-6pm. The moment I walked away from the house, I felt angry and really hoped someone would stop me, but I knew no one would. Only one of the landlord knew about that I was walking while everyone else assumed I got a car ride or something. While I was walking towards the hotel, I debated if I would be better off sleeping in a local park with cats or at an abandoned building. I had to remind myself that I already booked a hotel room, so I have to get to the hotel no matter what. I noticed immediately that many drivers, including a bus driver from the C3 Costa Community WestCat, all stopped and stared at me in shock while I crossed the main streets. People who are waiting at the bus stops did the same thing. After all, it is not normal to see a women with luggage walking at night. Did I mentioned that at a highway intersection, I had to wait for all the cars to make their right turns, leaving me the choice to run across the highway intersection in the dark? Of course, I ran out of time when I was halfway across the intersection when the ongoing traffic light turned green, but no one moved their car since I bet the drivers all thought who's this crazy person? 

Even so, I knew God is protecting me throughout this ordeal. I'm thankful that no one ran over me with their cars and trucks nor was I mugged or worse. I am also thankful for being greeted kindly by a nice gentleman who is facing homelessness during my walk. Even without explanation, I felt understood by him and was comforted by him. Ha, I did not realized I could have been this close to not having a home.  

When I arrived at the hotel check in window, I just cried and felt overwhelmed. I checked into my hotel room and felt paranoid that the hotel room may have SARS-COVID-2 lingering in the air. I just simply sat on a table for an hour, then disinfected the room for an hour, then took a shower, then ate a can of chicken noodle soup since it was all I can bring with me on my walk, then video called my friends while I frantically checked for my COVID test results. I reserved this hotel room from December 21 to 24 in case the COVID test results comes out late...or worse. The next three days was a period of waiting, painful waiting yet hopeful waiting. My church later found out about my situation, and they prayed for me and provided me dinner the next day. My high school friends also got me snacks and water while I slept, watched Natsume Yujin-Cho, video called friends, ate dinner and snacks, drew and read the bible. It was strange to attend my high school friend's engagement announcement call while I sat in the hotel, thinking when is my COVID test result coming out. I also checked in my housemate to see how he was doing, but I was surprised he was still living in the house and going to work as if nothing has happened. Something felt wrong, since it seemed like he was not order to move to another location to quarantine like me, even though we shared the same bathroom and are equally exposed. He also did not know that I walked over to the hotel and empathized with me. I did not tell my family about my situation, because I already made them so worried about the COVID test. When I got finally got the negative COVID test result on Dec 23 evening, I cried tears of joy and relief while I shared the news with everyone. I thought I could go back to my original housing situation and go back to normal...

Remember I wrote earlier that I booked the hotel room to Dec 24 in case something worse has happen? 

Well, in hindsight I should have chose my words with more consideration. I texted one of the landlords, who is aware I walked to the hotel, if I can return to the house...but I heard no reply for a couple of minutes, which seemed really odd to me. I then called and asked if it was possible to be compensated for the hotel expenses and for a ride. Granted, I should have not said this...since they lashed out at me for asking such a request and other things. I just simply listened as they said they were afraid of someone in their house getting from COVID. However, the lashing got worse when they said I should pay for their sick leave cost of $6000k if they got sick (even they worked from home while I work minimum wage as an in-person medical assistant), that my family is not responsible of me, that I have to stay at the hotel and cool our heads etc. I apologized for upsetting them, but it was already too late.

After they hung up on me, I called my father and told my family the truth while I looked at sublets in Berkeley. My family confirmed with me that I have to move out, since it became clear I am not wanted at the house even when I tested negative for COVID and that it is illegal to temporarily evict a tenant due to a health issue and not another tenant with the same level of risk. My church also heard this news and graciously covered my hotel expenses as well supported me in finding a new place. My wonderful father, who works 24/7 as a self employer to support my family, reorganized his work schedule to drive an hour over to Pinole to pick me up on Dec 24. Funny in how I saw one of my patients at the hotel while I waited for my father. After my dad picked me up, he drove over my old place and explained I was moving out to both landlords and to do a prorated refund and deposit return. It became clear that the one who lashed out at me did not tell the other landlord the entire story including the part in which I walked to the hotel for an hour in the dark. I have to admit it was very satisfying to hear the other landlord said, "I see [Deborah]'s point" while the one who lashed at me let out a huge sigh of regret. After I said goodbye to everyone, I moved back home and celebrated my brother's birthday and Christmas while sleeping in another room to complete my quarantine. Still, I had a new dilemma, commuting from my hometown to Pinole, which is 1 hour one way. I only had one week of work off, and I spent it waiting for my COVID test result in an unideal manner. My dad decided it was time for me to get an used car, so we started car searching. Meanwhile I was frantically looking for a new place in Berkeley. Luckily, I only had to Lyft once to Pinole on Monday and then moved into a new apartment in Berkeley in an apartment the next day. Still it was not easy to inform my colleagues, but I really hope everyone had a better holiday week than me. When I moved in to the new place in Berkeley, I thought I finally settled in! 

ha.

nah.

Apparently, my roommates in the apartment were not aware I work as a medical assistant, even though I brought it up to the person in charge of the sublease. In short, I was asked to move out after I moved in for a week, but I got a full refund, so hey that's better than my last place. Luckily, I found another place for a cheaper cost, bigger space, and with my Christian fellowship friends. Plus I bought my first used car with my savings. While my dad drove the car for some repairs for two weeks, my lovely, kind coworkers drove me to work and back until my car was ready. I practiced driving around in my hometown, and I drove my car up to Berkeley. Frankly, I prefer to not drive in the rain and missed 2, 3 exits on the highway and almost get rear ended, but I will get better with practice.

Things have settled down for now...finally. 

I survived the first week of driving to work by myself. I started teaching a UCB class that I took as an undergrad with my colleagues. I got my first dose of the Moderna vaccine on Jan 25, 2021 and waiting for my second one on Feb 27, 2021. I'm getting along with my apartment mates, and I'll start preparing for the MCAT and med/pod school app process.

But honestly, it's all thanks to God helping me with this process. I know there is the saying that everything happens for a reason, but it makes me curious to know the reason is. What I do know, that I have much more room to grow in terms of my faith and my confidence in God as well investing in myself and my support system. I am indebted to everyone who has supported me through such a stressful time. And for those who had no idea what I was going through, I'm doing much better now. Of course, life has its way in making sure I'm on my tippy-toes, but it is nice to have a break from the chaos.

I just want to share my story with you all to remember to be kind and loving towards one and another, even yourself. I know this pandemic does not bring the best out of everyone, but it is a good reminder to continue on loving others and ourselves.