Keep Moving Forward

May 14, 2020 Thursday

I finished my last spring semester finals last night. After cramming in a semester's worth of information and chunking it on my final exam, I felt relieved to be done...and sad. 

This Saturday was supposed to be my commencement for the Class of 2020 at UC Berkeley (as well my high school friend's birthday). 

This Sunday was also the commencement for College of Natural Resources (CNR)'s Class of 2020, and I think next Monday was supposed to be for the department graduation for Molecular Environmental Biology majors. 

However, it'll be the Blockery University's commencement this Saturday (which is still pretty cool, don't get me wrong. I just need to find a compatible laptop to launch Minecraft) and a virtual CNR commencement this Monday. And it looks like in person meetings will be at a halt for the next couple of months. 

When I came back home, I was walking around the neighborhood with my neighborhood friend, and we overheard a gentleman's conversation on the phone. He was expressing his sadness for the class of 2020, and I was reminded that we couldn't have a normal graduation or even the security of knowing what may comes next when our after graduation plans also came to a halt. Honestly, I kept pushing away this feeling of loss to focus on schoolwork and senior farewells. However, whenever I see a post on Facebook from my school talking about the loss we have, I couldn't help but cry because I was looking forward to this year so much...even when I graduated high school. 

The dreams of having senior hangouts, participating in graduation ceremonies, studying with friends in late night sessions, hiking trips, ...going to Taiwan for the first time to see my family's roots......

And now that finals are over, I could let those feelings I pushed away sink in as I still wondered on what I should do this summer and after graduation. Which summer classes should I take and drop? Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again? Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when? Should I pursue podiatry or medical school? What do I want to? 

Eventually, I will have to answer those questions and I hope that God will help me guide in answering them because I really need guidance and a reminder that what is important is that we're still alive and that people are fighting for others to be alive. Looking back to times when people couldn't graduate or attend their ceremonies because of unforeseen circumstances, drafting, etc. reminds me that we are still fortunate enough to be alive and still experience some closure for our academic achievements. 

Earlier this month, I was caught in an argument with a friend of mine who wished the lockdown to be lifted up immediately for economical reasons, while I argued that it shouldn't for epidemiological reasons. Our argument eventually came down to having a life but not being able to enjoy it for a while or risking one's life to enjoy life, and I personally said I rather have a life because situations like the pandemic is not permanent. The effects of it may be permanent, but the decision of how we wish to live our lives and how important our life is are up to us. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling along, but I am planning to go back to Berkeley to grab the last of my belongings and move out of my co-op as well take graduation pictures with my friends and cherish our last time together in undergrad. 

May 27, 2020 Tuesday

Wow, I really did have a cluttered mind earlier in this earlier post. I realized that over the years I am treating this website as a journal entry than a photography blog. I think it mainly comes from the fear of my photographs being used without my permission and the desire to share my jumbled thoughts and reflections on what I'm going through. I would say at the moment, my thoughts are clearer than two weeks ago, especially when some of my earlier questions have been answered. So...what happened in the last two weeks?

I officially moved out of Berkeley (Thank God) and now at home (Help me God). I also got to meet up with friends, walk around campus, and take graduation pictures. I celebrated graduation with my friend as we watched the live stream Minecraft commencement and agreed that we will show up for our physical commencement. I read The Book Thief in 3 days and cried at the one scene and compared it to the movie adaptation. I hiked Grizzly Peak with my high school friend to fulfill his 4 year promise that he'll take me hiking around Berkeley if I choose to go to Berkeley back when we were in high school. I ate a farewell dinner with residents in my co-op. I visited SF for my job interview with my friends, got the job, and survived a potential car accident in Berkeley in a friend's car (curse the evil speeding black truck driving past pedestrians crossing a street in a busy intersection). Needless to say, it was an eventful week. 

Now at home, I am taking summer classes and cleaning out my family's house and recycling my dad's old work files from 20 years ago. I stumbled on some jewels of my parents' life such as my dad's driver licence booklet in Taiwan and my mom's pencil pouch. I also stumbled on papers that were peed on when a raccoon sneaked in the house :( Earlier before summer school started, my friends and I hung out at one of their homes where we played Undertale. It was fun playing through the battles and puzzles. We laughed at the funny side scenes, notably Undyne's cooking lesson and the date with Papyrus. Maybe I should draw out fan art for them?

Anyway, I have to admit that God is amazing in helping me answer my questions that have been swarming my mind earlier. I sadly admit that I haven't been dutiful keeping up on connecting with God without accountability with my fellowship and my church. Not having a physical interaction with other people really affects me in a way that I had not expected, which leads me to turn to online social media, Youtube and email for something new. Hopefully, I will be less online and more intentional with my relationship with God and my family. 

To answer those previous questions, 

Which summer classes should I take and drop? 

I added Epidemiology (my only grad class) and dropped Pro-typing and Fabrication. I'm likely drop to independent research as an academic credit because I do not have $419 on me, but I can still do the research. 

Should I study abroad in Taiwan in the fall or will it get cancelled on me again? 

Oh, boy. On May 25, I submitted my withdrawal and it was processed on Tuesday morning. Then the UCEAP announced all the year long and fall study abroad programs are suspended...so yes, the program was cancelled on me again and I forfeited my UCEAP Promise scholarship.

Should I join my friend's lab or my old lab, if I'm allowed to and when? 

I am joining the Raffai Lab with Anh Phu and Martin Ng in August after I finish my summer classes and walk out with my degree. 

Should I pursue podiatry or medical school? 

I don't know, but I at least narrow down to those two. I thought about grad school and talked with my grad friends and professors, and it seems like I'm not as interested in the grad school life. I also thought about MD-PhD and realized that I may not want to be the head of my own lab with a specific research topic in mind....but I don't know. I still like the two options of med or pod school. 

What do I want to? 

I want to sleep, not melt in this heat, hang out with friends, pass my classes, graduate, drive on the highway with a car and covered by car insurance, and have a place to study at my house. 

As for now, I want to keep chugging along and enter the post-grad life, so wish me and the class of 2020 luck!

Now, graduation pictures!!!

Pictures taken by my good friend Navin Utain whom I met at CalSo

:)

Navin Utain and I near one of the Memorial Seals

View of the bay from Grizzly Peak

And of course, my cats! Here's Christina.

Felicia and Christina

Gracie

Hidden in the Hills

Hello everyone! I realized that today is Saturday and that Spring Break is relatively over or indefinitely continued until the end of the semester. I also realized it was 4 years ago that I was rejected from UCB today :P hehehe
I want to share my first essay for my class, Art of Scientific Writing (IB 101), which is a small fun class that I highly recommend. The reason I want to share this essay now is because I feel reminiscent of my childhood as I cleaned out my family's old stuff in our storage room. I also am excited by how springtime is bringing a lot of life in this crazy time we are in. I hope you all enjoy reading it.

My earliest and fondest memories of my childhood home in Fremont, California is when I snuck outside to run up the verdant hills that nuzzled the end of my court. I do not recall when I first strolled up those hills, but I vividly remember feeling joyful when I walked through the enveloping, dense grass. The world seemed bright and boundless just like the hills. I pretended that I was an explorer searching for adventure and a path to Mission Peak, Fremont’s iconic summit and hiking spot. I often daydreamed what it would be like to climb up from the hills to Mission Peak and go paragliding while I watched paragliders floating down from the peak in streams of colors. I also wondered what caused the geologic scar-like feature on Mission Peak. Is Mission Peak secretly an extinct volcano that caved in one side? Why does the scar look flat but so linear? Little did I know that I was looking at Mission Peak’s landslide scars caused by the 1998 El Niño rains and uplifting forces from the Calaveras and Hayward Faults. I also did not know that these geologic forces created the hills that spurred my imagination and later became my source of comfort when I moved houses in 2004. 
Moving to a new neighborhood was difficult for me because I was thrown into an unknown territory. I relocated to a house adjacent to three public schools ten miles away from my old home. The hills that once were so close to me were now an unreachable backdrop from my new house. I was grateful to see them in the far distance, but I felt trapped, especially when I was bullied in elementary school. I found my solace in Mission Creek, a local creek in front of my new house. To my amazement, there was always a symphony in the creek. At night, there were owls hooting and frogs ribbiting. In the morning, scrub jays squawked and mourning doves cooed their sad songs. My sense of curiosity was rekindled and grew in Mission Creek, especially when my science teacher taught natural history lessons at the creek. Unfortunately, I started to lose my curiosity once my elementary school removed the field science program due to budget cuts and liabilities. Observing birds through binoculars was replaced by detailed drawings of birds in textbooks. During high school, I was discouraged to question the textbooks to maximize my grades, not my understanding of the material. When I went to UC Berkeley, I asked myself multiple times why I was interested in science whenever I lost my interest in courses full of mindless memorization. Frustration arose when I was instructed to memorize amino acids and chemical reactions because I felt I was graded based on accuracy, not out of interest. I knew it was time for me to go back to my roots. 

When I came back to visit my old neighborhood fifteen years later, I walked to the hills as if I was under a trance. The grass was still a green, wavy sea rustling with life but was marked with barbed wire to deter nearby cattle and trespassers. Of course, I climbed over the wires and walked higher and higher until I could see both my old neighborhood and my current one on top of the hill. I soon discovered they were connected to each other because Mission Peak and the hills are the watershed that channel springwater to Mission Creek. I cried from the love this place had given me when I realized that these three key places are always there to beckon me home, especially the hills. These places compel me to explore the world with eyes of wonder and never let systematic barriers extinguish my curiosity and love for nature. 

Source of the springwater!

Go outside to explore nature more! I'll teach you some plants :D

Thoughts of class of 2020/2021?

School is online... (March 10, 2020)
For the rest of the semester? (March 13, 2020)
....

2 weeks later, I'm back home for spring break and still preparing back up classes for summer and potentially the fall semester if my summer classes once again goes up into the flames of unforeseen circumstances. My original plans for the semester were  a). attend the remainder of my classes in person b). walk in May in my commencement with the class of 2020 and c). attend my summer abroad program in Taiwan. Alas, none of them are happening...and I think the worse part is not being able to say goodbye to people who may not return for personal reasons. I remembered when I first learned that classes will be online up to Spring break, I was a little relieved to catch some sleeping time and schoolwork after I pushed them off last week, which was the first week of March. That week ,before any news of online classes or any viral outbreaks, was rough after I realized that my summer abroad program can be canceled.


Monday, March 2nd:
I hastily meet up with my study abroad adviser to talk about my backup study abroad program, which is applying for Fall 2020 at National Taiwan University. I learned that I need to apply for the FASFA today since today was the deadline for FASFA in California. Meanwhile ,I rushed to finish my Gilman Scholarship  essays for my summer abroad program, which was due tomorrow. I later skipped one of my classes to meet with the study abroad financial adviser about the fall program cost and then rushed to my major adviser to talk about my eligibility to do a fall program and moving my expected graduation date, which is possible since I'm a spring admit on my 7th semester and the College of Natural Resources guarantees me 8 semesters for my undergrad. I later called my dad for some tax information when I filled out the FASFA, explained why I need to make a backup, and how it is not my fault for expecting a pandemic to cancel my program and postponing my graduation. I also accidentally submitted my Gilman scholarship application empty-handed and emailed the organization to re-open my application...and I felt so sad that my dream to go to Taiwan was being crushed. I have no energy to go to my Christian fellowship meeting that night, since all I wanted to do was cry in my room.

Tuesday, March 3rd:
I woke up, thinking it's the due date for the scholarship and I was relieved to know my application was re-opened. I spent the next few hours drafting my essays in my room and in my ecological genetics class. I also went to submit my ballot for the primaries in one of the student dorms. I must have been so tired to almost out my ballot in the trash can next to the voting place signage, but luckily I looked instead to realize it was indeed a trash can. After waiting 30 minutes to see if I could get a presidential ballot without forfeiting my hometown ballot, I learned I cannot at all unless I am in my hometown, so I just submitted my ballot and bought lunch. I felt hopeful and relaxed to eat outside, and then I realized I forgot to do one of my homework assignments for my Art of Scientific Writing course that is due today...so I hastily did it in class and got the research book Waste by Kate O'Neil, who is my Global Theme Housing program professor back in my freshman year. I needed for my assignment. I felt sheepish of my half-finished outline for my midterm paper while my dear professor looked at my outline. I'm thankful he reassured me that it was good when deep down I felt that I disappointed him. Meanwhile, my classmates got news that Berkeley has a first confirmed case of the Coronavirus-2019. Everyone was scared that it was already on campus and glad we had no class on Thursday to support graduate students's wage increases in light of their living costs and tuition. Back in my co-op, I quickly typed up my Gilman scholarship essays and completed my Visual Communication and Design project. To see my work presented in design class later that night made me confirmed that it was a rush job but it was full of potential for me to work on a later day. After I got back from class at 7pm, I ate some dinner and have one of my dear friends helped me edited my scholarship essays. After I sent in my application, I felt relieved...but I knew I have to complete my Berkeley study abroad application for the fall semester and other scholarship essays for the fall, which I received tonight...and it's due on Thursday....Thank God my group project midterm for Principles of Drug Action was completed on Sunday since it was due on Wednesday.

Wednesday, March 4th:
After looking at the fall program's course list, I realized I need to have the courses approved by my college's adviser and let my major adviser know what I am planning, so I sent out an email to them at 1:30am. I then went to bed and woke up at 8am for my Public Health Biostatistics course... but I was too tired to go and instead waited to submit my online participation quiz. After going to another class, I later met up with the study abroad peer adviser about applying for the fall semester and then talked to a Peace Corp recruiter, since I'm interested in the program but unsure if I should join. When I got back home, I quickly wrote my essays for study abroad. After finishing them, I felt exhausted and realized I still have to redesign my design project and complete my essay outline...

Thursday, March 5th:
I submitted my two applications for the National Taiwan University's Fall program for my study abroad adviser and later met with my major adviser about what has happened. It was wonderful to talk with her and to confide in her my hectic week as well keeping on track to graduate. I later on met with my study abroad adviser who told me the potential costs of both programs and that by May 1st, I need to withdraw from the Fall program to avoid necessary and expensive costs. I was winding down and getting back to school work while the graduate student protest was going on that day. I later started on my scholarship essay for the UCEAP promise award and have my friends edited it as well.

Friday, March 6th:
I got an email that I'm accepted in the Fall Taiwan program! I got a verification email about my summer program and how I need to take the next pre-departure requirements. Things felt calmer. I enjoyed my tap dancing class even though I was confused on the steps. I later went to an orchestra concert with my dear friend and comforted him when the concert didn't meet his expectations. I randomly ran into a dear friend of mine who also was sad by the concert but happy to run into me. Overall it was fun and I wished to have more moments like these. If only I knew how fleeting it was going to be.

Monday,  March 9th:
I woke up 5 minutes too late for my public health stats quiz. I was distraught and turned my attention to my design innovation guest speaker class. (If you have been keeping track, I'm in 7 classes this semester:D ) I was happy to submitted my UCEAP promise scholarship essay and to enjoy my Monday. I really related to the guest speaker from his time at UC Berkeley, post undergrad, grad school, and all these cool amazing things he had done. I also got to have a wonderful time with Christian fellowship as we discussed logistics coming up and share each other's personality types. Even so, we got an email that starting tomorrow up to Spring break, all classes except small person class sizes are online. In light of this news, I spent the night writing my midterm paper about electronic waste and thinking how I can sleep in.

Tuesday, March 10th:
Everyone was not as proactive during their first day on online classes. I'm definitely one of them. It was odd to have the whole day free up, so I decided to think about 3D printing, laser cutting, drawing, designing, sleeping in, cleaning my room and hanging out with friends. After all, I assumed this next two weeks will be the only time we have online classes, right? Plus the idea of sitting in front of a computer does not spark joy into me, since I enjoy going outside. I later hung out with my dear friend and tried out late night food at the dining commons for the first time. I never thought that it would be the last time I get to hang out with her this semester.

Friday, March 13th:
There is a news report that we have our 1st confirmed case of the virus in our student community. The panic is increased as the student was in a large student gathering. The idea of social distancing is heightened as my friends keep posting memes about the virus. After hearing about this news, I decided to go hang out with some friends that night and serendipitously helped another friend with her car. It was a fun spontaneous night where I got to watched Officespace and learn how to play guitar. I later learned that night  the Jacobs Makerspace was closed up to Spring break, leaving me sad that I cannot continue 3D printing, which I did for the first time on March 11th.

The next few days I got lazy, but I continued practicing guitar and having my co-op friends teach me their tips. The days were fill with cooking, work, washing dishes and pots in my co-op and hanging out with friends for the last time. There were jokes on how the Zoom stocks will rise while the airplane stocks will plummet...which did happened.

Monday, March 16th:
I'm cleaning dishes while my co-op friend said classes are all online. I asked him that it has to be a joke, and when he showed me the email, I was devastated...There was also news of a lock down coming. I knew that people would be trying to move out of their apartment and dormitory quickly before it was too late to go back home. Commencement was also postponed, and it felt like we couldn't do anything other than practice public health guidelines of staying away from each other and being sanitary.

Thursday, March 19th:
I was on a Zoom lecture with my Art of Scientist Writing class when I learned that my summer abroad program was cancelled once Taiwan closed its borders to all international travel. I was heartbroken and cried from the news while my co-op friends, my professor and my classmates reassured me. I asked my biostats professor to move my midterm for biostats from tomorrow to April 1st, since there were two options. Either way, I felt I didn't know what to do other than sign up for summer classes.

Wednesday, March 25th:
I'm back home for spring break and told my family the plans I have. I already enrolled in summer classes, but there are also rumors that it may be cancelled or moved completely online. Some of the courses I signed up are in person labs, so I'm again skeptical if it will happened while a part of me remains hopeful and excited. I also contacted the study abroad program about the fall program and that there is a chance it could also be cancelled if this pandemic worsens. Also there is a chance that I could potentially have my degree in Spring 2021 if I go on this program.

I guess I'm trying to regain some routine and keeping myself busy and not glued to the computer screen. I already have some work piled up like my biostats midterm, midterm paper, tap dancing homework, posters and ecological genetics proposal due next week. I also started gardening and continuing drawing and reading a book called Braiding Sweetgrass.

I'm trying to pray more and read my Bible more, since I feel I'm once again slipping away. I am grateful to be home with my family, my cats, my friends, food and the California weather. I am grateful to have my Christian fellowship community and my church family as well. There is still a future to look forward in this crazy times, so I will continue to have hope and ground myself in you, God. I haven't really taken the time to set my thought down since I was so focused on the plans I have in mind and that losing them once again revealed my faith in you is still fragile instead of steadfast. Help us all in these times as well remind us to shine your light for others who need you as well.

In the meantime, enjoy an infographic I made.

Hello 2020

你好大家! Hello everyone! 

I thought that since I hadn't updated this blog in a while, I might share what I have been reflecting on during this past winter break. 

It's hard to believe to that I'll be graduating this year from Cal. An year ago on Jan 17, 2017 I came to Cal as a spring admit. This year, I'll grab my diploma and run away...with pride and joy, of course. But among those 3 years, a lot has changed in my life and those around me and those changes helped me mature as the person I am today. That being said, my perspective of the world has changed as well. 

Taken at Big Sur.
For some reason, I feel peaceful when I look at this picture and reflect what I felt that time :)

I admit I'm bit worried that I may changed too much before and after college. I remember thinking that I will not lose who I am no matter how bad life seems like...and when life does take a turn, I question my priorities and wonder if I'm on the right path. Honestly, not knowing what I want to do at those times tells me that I need to reflect more and to rest. 

I'm very thankful for this winter break, especially after going through one of my hardest and most enjoyable semesters. The semester was mainly difficult because I have to manage my time and stress levels well. It was really fun because I enjoyed learning different kinds of material from my classes last semester, especially on plants and bones. Granted, I scare my friends and my brother whenever I talk about plants to the point they run away from me. 

Nonetheless, it was hard to balance learning about different types of teeth for all vertebrae types on top of memorizing 20+ scientific names for plants and handling a flood situation in my apartment as part of my job within the same week. I had to cut back my other commitments as a trade-off for me to survive my crazy semester, but I felt guilty for doing so. 

I'm really hoping for my last semester at Cal I won't overload myself and cut back my commitments again. I am excited for the spring semester and for the summer. I submitted my application to study abroad in Taiwan for summer semester last week, so I hope I'll get in soon. It has been a dream of mine to visit Taiwan, so I'm looking forward to participate in this program.

I also succumbed to something I promised I would not get into during winter break: anime.

For a very long time, I stopped watching anime from 2017-2019 because I binge too much. So when I started again during winter break, I remember why I enjoyed my favorite anime shows so much. I hope to keep up my enthusiasm similar to the main protagonists, notably from Demon Slayer and My Hero Academia. I'm reminded that even though they face many challenges that impede them, they do not lose their goals or themselves and they continue to strive for their goals, despite how chaotic life is. Seeing their perseverance resonates with what I want to do in my life, even though I honestly would not want to be in their predicament. 

From Demon Slayer...you should watch the anime to see how strong their bond is to each other as brother and sister

Sometimes, I really wonder how chaotic life can be...


Earlier last week, I was biking around my hometown searching for my friend who went missing at 4am. I remember thinking about him all of a sudden the day before he disappeared and feeling that I should visit him soon. I never expected that he was going through a difficult time to the point he wanted to run away with only his house keys the next day. When I woke up at 9am, I learned his father came to my house frantically at 4am asking where his son was, I didn't understand what was happening, but I felt worried and biked off not knowing where to go. My thought was consumed by my desire to find him and when I arrived at one of his friends' houses and discovered he was not there...I broke down in tears. An hour later, I saw his Facebook account was active an hour ago and assumed he was home, but I was wrong. When his dad contacted me again about his whereabouts, I asked my friends whom I haven't talked in a while to help find him for 3 hours. We couldn't find him when it got dark, so we simply waited and prayed for his safety. When I learned he is safe and sound a few hours later, my face flushed and I felt a sense of relief (and an urge to slap him)...but I am still worried about him. I want to see him but I'm not sure what to say to him. 

Before he went back home, I talked to my middle school friend for 3-4 hours to process what I was thinking of through the whole time. Our talk later open us to talk about our families and college experiences. I expressed my desire to have a peaceful life or at least a peaceful week without surprise complications or troubles. She interjected saying my life is chaotic. She recommended I should write a book on the embarrassing, chaotic moments of my undergrad titled "Hello (insert chaotic event here)" I retorted back that no one will read that book. She later said I should start a YouTube channel and post a video titled" My friend went missing." We both laughed at that idea and continue to share more stories. I haven't laughed that much in a while and I'm grateful I got to talk with her, but it has gotten me to reflect back on how I handle my life when chaos does come in my life. 

Usually my view on trouble is to handle it head-on until it goes away, but if it keeps popping up again I will loose my energy and asked people to help me out. If different types of trouble keeps popping up, I'll long for peace and rest while I try to tackle it head-on until I reached my limit. When I do reached my limit, I act irritable and burned out. There were couple times I reached my limit last semester, and I felt I didn't handle my stress well by keeping it to myself until it explodes as a long emotional rant session. I usually avoid it from exploding from hanging out with my friends to keep my mind off my situation and remind myself that what I'm going through will pass. However, I'm wondering if how I handle my stress is healthy. I don't open myself too much because I don't want others to think me in a different light yet I want company. I also wonder if I encounter a lot of problems because I attract trouble or I help my friends who are in trouble, but I later regard this idea a bit self-centered. Or maybe life is just chaotic because that is the world we live in? I'm not sure, but I confidently say life is eventful and that it's nice to know what we overcome.


And if you're wondering what I should write/vlog for my unlikely upcoming book/YouTube channel, I can share a snippet from my freshman year.


Summer 2016
I'm at my CalSo (Berkeley's original 2 days orientation before it was switched to a more pricey Golden Bear Orientation week) in the Letter and Science's adviser office. I brought my paperwork to show that I enrolled in my hometown's community college for the fall and want to verify if these courses qualify towards Letters and Science's 7 breath requirement. However, I mentioned to my adviser that according to my Calcentral account, I have no birthday nor gender and that it stated I'm registered for Fall 2016 when I was accepted to Berkeley as a spring admit. She immediately told me to go the CalCentral office where I waited for 4 hours to get my account fixed. I brought my passport knowing the office will need to verify if I am truly Deborah Chen and not a computer glitch. Judging on everyone's face on what I told them, they were confused and have no idea why my account was this rare case. In the end, I learned that because I attended Calso in the summer, the Calcentral placed me as a fall student to let me attend. Spring admits are supposed to attend their orientation in January (but that option wasn't made available for me at that time). Good thing I didn't have to repeat some parts of my orientation. As for my missing birthday and gender...they have no idea, but the office said that it was the school's first time implementing this system...
But that was not the last mistake...

Fall 2016 
I contacted Calcentral office again because when I pulled up my academic page, it was blank. 

My friend was confused when he said I couldn't find my enrollment time since my page was blank. I panicked since his enrollment is close and mine was coming soon. After a two week contacting the office for this technical issue, I was able to enroll in my classes...and learn the cruelty of being placed last in choosing classes. Being wait listed in a chemistry lab class sucks a lot, but somehow I got in. Praise the Lord!

Spring 2017
Again about Calcentral?? Kinda, but it was on finances! In January, my family learned our aid never reflected that I was living in a dorm, which turned out to be more expensive than my tuition. I tried to get out of the dorm contract, but the two ways to get out of it is to get married or drop out of the university...(and I still have to repeat this to my friends who think they can get out of the contract after signing it). I again waited at the Calcentral office for 2 hours to have my financial aid reflected my living situation. My father also came to bring the tax forms. It was weird to see how quickly one financial adviser added money to the aid package, then have another financial adviser remove the added money, claiming there was not enough money in front of my father and I. We later took out a loan to cover my dorm expenses (which was paid off last semester!!! hahahaha) and submitted for financial re-verification. 

In May, the financial office contacted my family said our re-verification is not approved...which is pretty late to say since the semester was pretty much over at that point and I would receive a new financial aid package for the upcoming year. However, one of the employees named (he shall not be named for privacy reasons) from the office met up with my family and we were able to bypass the 2-3 hour wait at calcentral office by making an appointment with him. We continue to meet up with him whenever we ran into financial problems...

Fall 2017-Spring 2019
Every semester, I visited the kind financial aid adviser to check on my FASFA, financial re-verification, work study, tax form, IRS receipts, and subsidized loan questions...you name it all. When he told me that I was not picked for verification for my senior year, I was so happy because my family and I don't have to go through more pain about obtaining our tax forms and slow office work. Honestly, the adviser was so helpful to my family and me and he enjoyed the cookies I baked for him. 

So guys be friends with your financial aid officer and the school office people. It will save you a lot of pain.

And for my last note, I honestly have no idea what's going to happen for this year, but I might as well enjoy the crazy times I have. :)


Oooh yes, if you want to see the pictures I took from my road trip to Seattle and Vancouver with my two friends, here you go!

Driving through Mount Shasta on a snowy Christmas day

The Space Needle and  Seattle's skyscrapers

I wish I know what species this bird is, but it's beautiful

Peace Arch as we crossed the USA-Canadian border

Light show in Vancouver

Dinner at Sura with my 2 friends. The kimchi is really good

Very tall Douglas-fir trees in another light show at Vancouver

Mystic light balls in the air 

Port in Vancouver

Getting back into natural history

Hello everyone! 

It has been a while since I last posted on my blog. A lot of crazy things has been happening since senior year started. I learned how to camp for the first time, joined my first team sport, and juggled work, clubs, classes, and personal life.

Long story short, I am feeling burned out, and I know I'm not the only one.

However, I feel I sing a different tune whenever I'm outside with my classmates in my field class which entails learning plants. At first I was daunted by the hiking and unfamiliarity of the plants my professor talked about, but I thought to myself I should learned about plants and their ecosystems before climate change continue to threaten their existence as well as ours. I also pondered on how the public education system I gone through K-12 has not trained teachers to emphasize our environment in terms of learning the different communities plants, animals, rocks (yes rocks because they are cool), and water systems create. I guess you could say I like to go outside a lot as a kid, but I admit I do that I often don't explore outside. 

But now, I want to be outside and I admit I would blab scientific names about a specific plant to my friends who think I am weird and a nerd. I think my classmates are also doing similar things as me because it is refreshing to identify the plant with its unique characteristics instead of grouping it as a simple cool green growing plant. 

It is also amazing to be in places in CA where you can see how it was like thousands years ago in terms of the remaining plants and geologic features left behind. I really wish more people are pushed to go explore and appreciate nature not just for personal relaxation or use but to understand the world we're in and the Native Californians who managed the land we travel on.  Often times, we don't talk about Native Californians and their cultures, and it's a tragedy to not acknowledge their presence and impact in their land. 

I hope that my little spiel can encourage you all to take a moment outside our busy lives of getting XYZ done and traveling from point A to point B to look and appreciate the nature and history around us. Hence, why it's called nature history in my own little words. 

Yes, these are my thoughts before a special day for me. Enjoy the unedited pictures. 

Taken at Big Sur

Taken at Observatory Hill, my favorite spot on campus

Taken at Van Damme State Park

Taken at Sequoia National Park
Admire the alpine field 

It's a Fun Summer

Hello everyone!

Summer break is almost over for the semester kids while the quarter students can kicked back another month before their fall term begins as well. I have to admit I am excited to go back to school and finish my senior year. I am currently eager to take some field study lab trips to some natural sites in CA and to learn about bones.

But it is weird to think about what I'm going to do post-grad and how I'm going to knock some things off my bucket list in senior year such as going to Taiwan in summer 2020, learning how to code, learn to camp, being more involved with my Christian fellowship and focusing more on my relationship with God. I want to lead prayer in my fellowship, and I am nervous since I feel I'm not up to par for the task, yet I feel it's an important aspect of the journey as a Christian.

I am also wondering how I will handle new housemates that are moving into my co-op and avoid less drama or tensions from cliques that can arise. An example is some people in my co-op called me anti-marijuana because I would plead people to not smoke indoors due to my asthma...and the request to breathe clean air (which is enforced by the Berkeley Fire Department) is disregarded because usually the group of people want to adhere to the co-op culture of smoking indoors. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to that at all, but can you do if you want to live in a subsidized student housing.

Moving forward, one thing I want to share with the entire Internet (since the info we plaster online is permanent and searchable) is that connections are valuable. The type of connections I'm referring to more is people and it's amazing how the people we know can lead to opportunities. There's a word for it: networking, but I feel networking is more focused on connecting with people to get mutual benefits without really getting to know the person well. It's as if networking has more a business-like agenda rather than forming a genuine friendship where people are not bounded by a contract. I guess I can demonstrate more by a few stories I have from this summer.

Eye Research

I am currently interning at the Wu lab in Stanford school of Medicine in the Ophthalmology department, and I got to meet such amazing people there. If you want to know what I'm doing, you can check out my team on this website and the project I'm working on.
http://med.stanford.edu/wu/Meet_The_Team.html#current_team

Here are the original pictures of the drawings I made earlier that cannot be seen clearly on the website.

If you want the nitty gritty stuff, I am collecting conjunctiva epithelial cells, limbal epithelial cell and cornea epithelial cells and culturing them to obtain inflammatory and ageing markers, which can be used to understand how diseases and ageing works. It's pretty amazing to learn cool techniques and work with a lot of reagents and materials. Examples include cyrosectioning mice eyes after freezing them with liquid nitrogen, immunostaining cells and imaging them on a microscope, witnessing a rabbit dissection (well it was pretty bloody since we removed its eyes), scraping off donor eyes (well that scared a nearby lab postdoc when he peeked at my work station), and a lot more. The lab has a different atmosphere than Berkeley's. It's more free in the sense that it feels safer, more academically supportive and more resourceful since we are stationed with other labs. Of course, I'm only a rookie taking things at face value, but I do like the trust given me by my lab to make sure I'm handling my experiments well. It can be unnerving the first time, but it's fun to take my time and understand the protocol. It's not fun when I mess up or become really confused, which happens often. However to have my project idea supported about incorporating a semester project into a clinical setting is exciting. I was surprised by how positive the feedback was from my lab when I first proposed the idea, which I won't quite say yet since it's still in the drawing board. Still, the research experience is pretty amazing. The commute to there is tiring though, but hey that's the Bay Area for you. 1-2 hour commute each way everyday is the way to go. :D

People usually asked me how I got in the lab, and I always start with the fact that it was mainly through connections. It is God's grace that I got in a lab, since I was praying about it after I was removed from a lab due to miscommunication with the PI and his postdoc. I was struggling to find a lab for a couple of months of cold calling professors at UCSF and UCB in my junior year, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time. The story started with my friend in high school whom I met in 10th grade math class and 12th grade AP english class. He later went to UCB a semester ahead of me, since I am a spring admit. He later advertised his medical club, which I checked out since he was in the club and I was interested in going on medical trips. In the club, I met the president of the club and became friends with him even though we were 2 years apart. He later graduated last year and was a TA in a class called Global Eye Health at UCB. I went to the class's infosession and later applied. I soon got in the class of 12 students, and it was an eye-opening experience (pun well intended). We all taught by Dr. Scott Lee who invited his friend Albert Wu to lecture for us as a special guest. After 3 consecutive quick lectures within two hours, Dr. Wu announced he was looking for a student research assistant in his lab at Stanford. He gave out his business card to those who were interested, and I took one. The next day I emailed to him, had an Skype interview with him, and later joined his lab this summer. In the meantime, my mother was fervently praying I would get in a research lab and that I would not have fainting episodes (which is another story itself). While I traced back those connections, I'm thinking it's amazing how God places people in certain places and times that can lead to such opportunities, but a part of me is warning myself to not take God for granted when He blesses us or not consider Him as someone who we get benefits from.


I feel a way to handle this kind of urge to disregard God is to be humble myself before Him. For me, it's doing community service by serving and interacting with people, people who need help yet help is not given to them.

Eye Screening

My volunteer shirt

This summer I got to volunteer at my church's eye screening in Oakland, CA as a translator and a lensometer user. I helped measured glasses on the first day of volunteering, but my job quickly turned into translating Mandarin to English and a little Spanish to English. There are a lot of elders who speak Mandarin and Cantonese (I sadly do not speak Cantonese) whom I helped translate for and filled out their forms. I was relieved that I took the Eye course at UCB because I got to explain what the medical terms and what the machines were used for to the patients. AT first, it was daunting to practice my Mandarin without a warning and to called for help by a lot of people to help with forms, questions, and requests. As the clinic got fuller, I got more comfortable with the patients as I bowed my head a bit to pay respects to the elders and how they bowed back to me as a sign of gratitude. That gesture really touched me because it is an honor to receive that kind of thankfulness. It was as it we were like family.

I remember for this one patient, I helped her with her entire eye exam from filling out her patient form to getting her checked out of the clinic. I helped her followed the optometrist's instructions as she was measured with the auto-refraction machine, the retinal scan machine, and the eye chart. At the eye chart station, she did not know how to say the English letters, so she drew out the letters with her fingers. After she was examined for bifocals or 老人眼睛, she was happy to know that she can get new glasses in a month. When she smiled and thanked me, it was nice to help be her bridge and communicate with the optometrists and volunteers around her. After I helped her, I was then called again to help another patient with his eye exam whom I helped filled out his form earlier. During the eye exam, it seemed like he had not one in a while since he was not familiar how the eye exam operates such as reading out the charts and choosing which lens were clearer than the other when given that choice. A part of me felt that I took for granted that everyone in the Bay Area knows how eye exam works when that is obviously not the case.

I displayed out the books and stuffed animals as if we're at an elementary school book sale!

I also helped out giving out books, magazines and stuffed animals to patients of all ages. One of the patients Daniel and Abby (not their real names) even accepted a Snoopy doll, two National Geography 2018 magazines about medicine and the Scripture, and a traditional Chinese book. Daniel made a comment on how he was thinking of Snoopy before he came to the clinic. The fact I pointed out a Snoopy doll for him made an unassociated association, which is a phrase he coined to described an association that was not made before yet somehow are connected after an event. Later that day after Daniel and Abbey left, my pastor and some of the volunteer were amazed by Daniel's transformation. When he first came in, he was not close with his sister and was very hesitant about giving out his personal information on the patient forms. Later on in the clinic, he was talking with the volunteers who were wearing name tags, trying to learn everyone's names, and smiling more. I did not know that he was not close with his sister since they seemed to be happier and even nudging each other. Daniel later shared to me as I was showing him books that he felt genuinely cared for in the clinic. that he was not treated as a number or according to an agenda. He confided with me that at food pantries that people there did not treat him well, but at the eye screening, he felt loved. His sister even cried at his changed in demeanor. The moment he put on his new glasses and said, " I can see again" was incredible. The light in his eyes just burst with joy as if he's alive again. I couldn't help but be joyful for him as well and his sister.

Another cool story that my pastor shared with us. One of the patients that we met had perfect vision (which I would like to have). The person already know he can see, but he wanted to check out our eye screening to see what is the true motive of the event. When he waited patiently for his turn on the auto-refraction, he was glancing around and examining the people. After our lovely optometrist checked his eyes, he was given permission to check out the rest of the clinic. It turned that he was a local drug dealer according to one of the patients. My pastor was surprised to hear that but also happy that he came to check our the eye screening to invite his friends over who need glasses or eye examinations. I feel seeing how the screening affected the neighborhood changes the dynamics of the people, which is pretty amazing to witness.

Catching Up with Friends

Because I am home this summer, I am able to catch up with my old friends. It is truly a blessing to spend time with them and listen to how they have been. From nightly walks to playing boardgames, my weekends were pretty fun (and busy at times). Of course, there were hectic times with friends such as changing my mom's car battery and crushing my family's aluminum cans and plastic bottles to deliver to the recycling plant. There were also sad times when I decided to leave a friend group momentarily since I was fed up being ignored. There were also deep times of talking with them to the late of night and being vulnerable to one and another.

I almost forgot what it was like to feel like a kid and be comfortable with myself. I admit I probably surprised my friends when I'm more open or energetic around them compared to me being at school. Usually I'm like that when I'm in a small group of people. It's nice to be more honest and rebuild those connections I left behind. I hope to continue strengthening those connections in the school year :) but I am concerned I may have overpacked my semester as usual. We'll see but I am excited to go back to school for the new adventures in store.

Fallen Away & Returning --- Part 3

Written on 3/5/2019

Hello everyone!

Thank you for reading my blog post. It's really touching to hear that my friends would take the time to share their thoughts with me and relate to the similar struggles we experienced. I again am surprised of the impact I made onto people, and it's a nice reminder that we can support each other as Jesus has done for us. It also made me reflect on how my relationship with God is like again and be more aware of the changes and decisions I'm making with the people around me and with myself.

After reflecting some of my actions and reasoning, I bear a fear I have that if someone had hurt me before, I assume the person can hurt you again so I then avoid the person. After all, it's better to decrease the chances of someone taking advantage of you. Do not waste your time nor energy on someone who does not appreciate your care nor help. Well, this type of thinking stemmed from past bullying experiences and poor friendships from K-12 school and later branched out to people who seemed to be similar to those who had hurt me.

The problem with this idea is that even when we turned our backs on God, He continued to love us, care for us, and suffer for us even when we did not appreciate Him. So is it okay for me to continue bearing that fear?

Is it okay to be struggling with or is to be complacent with these ideas?

Written 6/4/2019

Hello everyone again!
It is bit awkward to write "Hello everyone" within the same post, but I did it anyway in a different tone.

I'm officially a rising senior, and I'm contemplating on what I should do post-grad and how much I grown since entering college. I know it's a little early to think about post grad in a sense that I have time, but I wrestled again with these ideas of what I wish to bear and to let go.

Recently I talked with my church friend who's interning in the Midwest this summer about my struggle about forgiving people and protecting oneself from exploitation. In the biblical context, we should forgive those who hurt us as many times as needed. An example can be shown in Matthew 18: 21-22 KJV "Then came Peter to Him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven." Even when we turned out back against Jesus, He still bears the price of our disobedience towards God onto Himself with His life. To be able to forgive and to even die for the people who betrayed Him is indeed unfathomable. In human nature, it's really difficult to do so, especially when revenge can sometimes be viewed as glorified or just act or when it's viewed as a way to avoid being hurt again.

Where does the line between forgiveness and self protection lie? Is revenge even worth it? What does us desiring revenge or bearing a grudge tells about us?

I juggled with these questions after avoiding people who made me felt endangered or were willing to slander me in pubic. Obviously personal safety comes first, but the guilt kicks in of leaving no explanation to the person who may be hurt and left wondering what they did wrong. Perhaps I'm a little naive, but I still feel the need to forgive and move on from the pain, instead of letting the pain manifest into revenge and grudges.

I know it's normal to avoid the people who hurt you. To bad mouth them and complain about them to your peers and family members. To ignore them and cut off all contact with them. To imagine that karma would take place to. But where does these actions and feelings then lead to (after getting into a safe environment of course)?

I think a main example of where these feelings and questions stem from trying to help a high school classmate, which ended up hurting me deeply. I try to repress the memories as a way to move forward, but my classmate's plead for forgiveness was left unanswered and ignored during my time of "healing." After a few years of not communicating with the person, I later sent an email saying I forgive the person and my reasons for not answering back after realizing it is time to move on and praying about it with my Christian mentor. The person later replied back asking if we could call each other, but my fear kicked in and I declined quickly to call through email. A part of me felt the person and I haven't changed in the way we briefly communicated to each other, and the idea of that we haven't changed as much scared me to the point I questioned if we both actually forgive each other for hurting each other. We didn't email each other since then. The memories still lingered to haunt me, but they're less prevalent since then and I view my old classmate in a more positive light than before after realizing that we'er both human and that we make mistakes.

Alas, I still need to learn about what is forgiveness.

Speeding up to last summer...the summer when I was under a lot pressure still haunts me to the point I would cry if I relive the bad memories.

It was when my cat Lenny passed away after a month of trying to save him from a car accident. It was when I took on two stressful jobs as managers in my apartment without much help from other people who are supposed to help carry my load in a "team effort." And since I was the only manager who spoke Chinese, I had to talk to most of the Chinese tenants who moved in and ensure they understood the apartment agreements despite the language and cultural barriers. I also got threaten four times by tenants over rooms conflicts, and I had to request the central apartment organization for help.
It was when my late grandfather passed away. I haven't seen him since my grandmother passed away a few years ago, and since then I have been pleading with my family to go see him.  Because my family has no other external family to rely on and needed my help with Lenny, I came home every weekend to help out except that one weekend... The one weekend when I stayed at my apartment to help with work was the last weekend he was alive...and I still regret not visiting him.
It was when I saw how dark my mom's siblings become when they fought over the inheritance once it was up for grabs. Even when my family was financially struggling, my mom's sibling refused to give the full inheritance portion to my family, which was one of my late grandfather's last wishes.
On top of it, I was taking two summer classes too and these classes were my escape from the pressure. I really enjoyed learning about biology and music with my friends and professors. Despite the struggles I have, I seemed to come off energetic and happy mainly because I wanted to be at a place away from problems.

So, when I learned last month from a friend that someone in my apartment publicly slander me in front of everyone in the apartment as part of a confidential discussion about potential managers. The person said that I am not qualified to handle a maintenance manager because I cannot not do it well and that I handle cannot stress. The person later cussed further about me, and I later confirmed about this slander with another friend who was at the meeting.

I wanted to cry and hurt this person so badly, especially since the person did not help me in the summer even though the person was paid to. Moreover, another person whom I thought care about me agreed with the person in that I cannot handle stress well even though he knew my grandfather passed away and knows the pain of losing his own as well. A part of me wishes the person to eat one's words this summer and realize how hurtful they are, but I also need to acknowledge my emotions and actions as well were not on par due to unforeseen circumstances. Moreover, I also have slandered privately about another manager whom I repeatedly asked about her unfilled responsibilities that were later pushed onto me. Now, I act aloof towards the person and annoyed whenever the person tries to butt in conversations with other people in my apartment to only talk to the other person. You can tell my language is tinged with anger and biased, which is why I wonder why I haven't learned to not hold grudges and instead of reminding myself to forgive. But in the meantime, I moved out this summer and back home with my family.

Honestly I want to forget it, because I want to focus on my lab internship which involves me commuting 1 hr and half to my school's rival each way Monday to Fridays and leaving me tired. But forgetting it is not the same as forgiving, isn't? And I bet other people feel similar frustrations towards me, huh?

I continue to wrestle with these ideas. A part of me felt this kind of stress could have been avoided by asking for help. I don't as often ask for help out of fear or exploiting people or being a burden towards them. It also hurts to be rejected by people who aren't aware of the situation I'm in whenever I asked them for help while I try to understand and respect the declination.

But life is hard when we don't communicate and understand each other's situation?

Written 6/9/2019

I find it that it is very tempting to be wrapped up in negative thoughts. After reading of the testimonies of my fellowship's graduated seniors, I found how we seem to be okay on the outside but struggle in the inside. It makes me question how hard it is to be vulnerable especially in a large group of people or with people whom you are not familiar with. I guess after reading their testimonies I come to the realization that it's okay to struggle with these feelings and not have them answered immediately. Ultimately, it comes to trusting in Jesus to have Him to be our main source of faith and love. I usually assume life only gets harder...and so far it's true but I'm not alone in this journey.

It feels like I did a 180, didn't I? I guess I'm reminded of how I forgave another friend of mine for hurting my feelings for a while and seeing how he regretted doing so after a year. I was more focused on being friends with him and respecting his wishes that I was glad to forgive him after he expressed his regret to me, because I value the friendship with him more than being afraid of being hurt by him again. Granted, it is easier to forgive when you can see the regret from the other party. However, remembering that how important the relationship is to me and how we should be witnesses of Christ reminds me that forgiving is hard but joyful in the end.